Sunday, June 04, 2006

Did You Manage to Eat?

It is 1.30am.

Tired-More-Now-Than-Usual-Mam gets home.

From the house across the street that has, this evening, been mostly full of other young Mams, Chardonnay, nibbles and conversation regarding shoes, fluffy kittens, pretty sparkly things that make them feel all shiny and my total fantasticness in the fields of fatherhood, raw wit and intellect, searing sexual ability and sheer physical beauty - especially compared with their troll-husbands. I imagine.

She enquires about well-being of small people. I reply that both their heads are hanging by a single thread and their eyes have gone all boogly. As such, I have not been sure what to do.

Tired Mam informs me that this was not funny four years ago. And that it has not aged well.

'Did you manage to eat?' She asks.

I pause. This is a hugely loaded question. Did I manage to eat? Did I manage to eat?

It occurs to me for a second that Tired Mam has spent the evening unable to enjoy herself, plagued with mental scenarios involving me and our kitchen not unlike those in that episode of Father Ted when the house-keeper goes away for an evening and both men are found in the kitchen fiercely clinging to each other as all hell breaks loose wailing 'all I want is some tea' and both close to tears.

Did I manage to eat?

She has imagined me putting cutlery in the microwave to clean them. Of boiling flour. Of attempting to peel an onion with a spoon. Of mistaking olive oil for a refreshing drink and downing the lot. Of finally getting something on a plate only to be unable to eat it because I keep stabbing myself in the cheek with the fork. Of eventually being reduced to licking Country Life butter directly from the foil in order to sustain myself.

'Yes, I managed.'


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Erm. The thing with olive oil did actually happen once.

9 Comments:

Blogger Ranting Dullard said...

My dad went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

4 hours later he was found in the north sea.

8:58 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

my father cooked a lot..i remember everything being beige

2:32 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

RD: Us men should not be too ambitious. Can't remember if I said so at the time, but your post about relationship with father informing relationship with offspring rang many bells. Very good.

C: I cook for my children every day. If she is very lucky, Ieven cook for me & Mrs.Tired. It is never beige.

But by God I remember when my mam had PND and her second husband had to cook for us all. If I never see an all-day-breakfast again I will be happy.

5:57 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

my children were trained at a very early age to forage in the kitchen like bears in a forest..
I worked a night shift from 11 pm to 7 am.3-4 days a week .then I worked a day shift from 7am to 3 pm.5 days a week and i went to school..I was fucking tired...feeding children was not on my to-do list.
my poor children ..
they are all excellent cooks ..

6:52 am  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:16 am  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

my da is tha best cook there is most of his food is red no he's italian not klutzy

3:18 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

whats pnd?

3:42 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Post-Natal Depression.

Actually real, as oppossed to the other depressions.

2:48 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

ohh.. ive had that for 15 21 years ..no take that back ..I just regot it..
Daughters back til august

3:19 pm  

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