Friday, July 21, 2006

Technical Support

The phone rings. Being at a loose end, I pick it up.

Me: Support

Blustery Fellow: Now. Then. What has happened?

I should be used to this. I am not. I look at the wall for a second.

BF: Hello?

Me. Support. How can I help?

BF: Well the bally DVD's broken isn't it? Don't you know?

I rub my eyes. I've not had much sleep of late.

Me: I am assuming you mean the DVD drive of your computer? And not your DVD player.

It's best to be on the safe side. You'd be surprised.

BF: Well bloody obviously. Don't you know? You bloody supplied it.

Me: I don't believe it was me personally sir but I will attempt-

BF: THE WHOLE BALLY SYSTEM'S DOWN. BECAUSE OF THIS BALLY DVD!

This does happen. When attempting to open say, My Computer, your PC will briefly flash all drives associated. If one is malfunctioning - your dvd drive for example - the whole system can lock.

I feel I am Getting Somewhere.

Me: Previous to this have you had any video playback problems? Or has it been problematic reading any kind of data, either from cd or dvd?

I'm thinking about a firmware upgrade.

BF: What the hell are you blithering about man?

Me: *SIGH* O.K. Lets go back a bit. When you say the whole system has gone down, what EXACTLEY do you mean? Do you get a blue screen? Does it just lock? Does it restart?

BF: My Christ young man, I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I just want the DVD to start working so I get the BBC page.

I notice I have been clenching and un-clenching my right fist for some time.

Me: Sir. Are you having trouble accessing the internet?

BF: WHAT HAVE I JUST BEEN TELLING YOU?

Me: Mmmmm. When you say DVD, are you referring to a box between your PC and phone line? What we would call a router?

BF: How in jerry would I know. Good God, what do I pay you people for?

Me: Let's try resetting it.

BF: Settling WHAT?

Me: Sorry. Just turning it of for about five seconds or so.

[pause]

BF: Right. It's off. The screen's black.

Me: You've turned of your PC?

BF: YES. I want the SYSTEM to work. That's what we are trying to do. That's what you said.

Me: Could you turn it all back on again please?

BF: Again? You've only just told me to turn it off. You don't sound very knowledgable young man.

[Pause]

BF: Right. What this time?

Me: The router. A box between your phone line and, erm PC [cough]system could you just turn that off. Just the small box.

BF: Where is the switch?

Me: I'm not sure. Do you know the exact manu- forget it. Just pull out the power cable.

BF: Which-

Me: IT IS THE FU- it has a black cord. The end of it will be cylindrical as opposed to oblong or square. It will not be transparent.

BF: Right. Now what.

Me: Put it back in.

BF: Do you KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOUNG MAN? I'VE ONLY JUST TAKEN IT OUT?!

[Some fumbling sounds]

BF: Right. Now what.

Me: Why don't we try again. Open Internet Explorer.

BF: WHAT?

Me: It's a big blue 'e'

BF: You needn't talk down to me young man.

[Pause]

BF: Doesn't matter. It seems to have sorted itself out. Waste of time this has been. Good day.


Average week: repeat by one hundred.


Worst one:

Phone rings.

Me: Support.

Random Person: I seem to have a bit of trouble with my anti-virus software...

Me: Oh? What do you use?

RP: Norton-

Me: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" IT'S FUCKING SHIT THAT'S FUCKING WHY!!!


Average per week: about a fucking million.


I do not do this for a living any more.

23 Comments:

Blogger Amanda said...

lol. When I was at college (computer studies) I sat by a bloke whose dream job was I.T support, I so hope he got his dream job!! *evil laugh*

1:51 am  
Blogger Sir Stewart Wallace said...

amanda, that is just downright nasty. What did he ever do to you?

Are you trying to make me cry, Tired Dad? You have just described every single day of my working life.

7:01 am  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Oh, how do you people do it...?

10:15 am  
Blogger Ranting Dullard said...

Fuck. I felt depressed just reading that. Go back to killing animals.

11:04 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:44 pm  
Blogger Amanda said...

Whoops, sorry.
bb - how long have you got?

5:41 pm  
Blogger Sir Stewart Wallace said...

amanda - all the time in the world.

6:09 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

of course you don;t do it anymore...
all the support jobs have gone to india..and they can stay calm and collected cause they don;t understand a word we're saying..

9:28 pm  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

You know the comment you deleted? What did it say?

10:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

td

dp's dad has cancer
dp is gay

aren't you funny?

11:20 pm  
Blogger Davenelli said...

Who the fuck is dp? and where did homosexuality and cancer creep into the post?

Is TD funny? Well hell I think so.

As for IT support...I thought the standard response was switch it off and switch it back on again.

11:37 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Deep breath.

Amanda: That is a bit mean. If he succeeds he deserves nothing but pity.

Bawbag: Sorry. Run whilst you still can. Become a total bullshitter and get freelance work.

*: I don't know. I don't anymore.

R.D: I've killed many this evening. Greenfly and that. I am BADASS.

C: The Indian people are lovely. Just try and reactive a key for XP that has been installed on at least three pc's. They are actually terribly obliging. Microsoft may have to re-think their outsourcing.

Anon: Mr.Puppy is more than able to speak for himself. FUCK OFF.

D: d34dpuppy.blogspot.com

If you are curious. Which you won't be because for reasons best known to himself he has deleted all but the last two posts.

Suffice to say, a young man with a lot on his mind, as all young men do. He does seem to have more than usual. He tends to write comments here in txt speak that I pretend to not understand. It is a less-than amusing running joke he is kind enough to go along with.

Oh and thanks.

And, well, it almost always works.

12:36 am  
Anonymous dpmic said...

i m sory dint mean 2 annoy u bye

4:20 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

TD: Sorry yes that was mean :0(
I suspect he has a very nice life. I have been seriously deprived of chocolate and sleep this week, I am being a moody cow. I'm sure he would laugh if knew how little sleep i got and how many years I have been changing nappies.

10:42 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

.I know all the indian people I've met are okay..
even the support people are pleasant..
my favourite doctor is indian...but...
I have people from the US having a hard time understanding my accent..how in the hell is some indian guy supposed to?

6:29 pm  
Blogger Scaryduck said...

"Tired Dad can get to fuck" - ScaryDuck.

You made me do a Roffle, guy.

I gave up my job in tech support the day I was chased from the building by irate users. I maintain to this day it was not even my fault.

3:25 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

dpmic: You have caused me no offence at all. And don't play the matyr with me.

A: Fret not. I tend not to really frown upon irrational dislikes.

C: What? I'm soory, I can't understand your accent.

Mr.Duck: I do not know what roffle means. I am still puzzled by LOL and ROFL so please do not make me feel more befuddled. I'll be going back to Ceefax at this rate.

Oh, and tech support: IT'S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT. EVEN WHEN IT IS NOT.

11:18 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

My support people are very nice. I don't know what they're saying and they don't know what I'm saying. Nothing ever gets fixed but we have a laugh. One I seem to get quite regularly called Nigel in New Delhi recognises my voice straight away and says "Ah Mr Dinners, F. Pleasing to speak again"

10:59 am  
Blogger Pie said...

I am usually able to fix most basic pc problems myself (nothing too technical) but my manager insists I phone the technical support they pay for whilst he listens.

The poor tech support dudes are left fairly confused when I explain that I have already done everything they ask me to do, they wonder why it still isn't working, then I explain that it is working. I believe they may well hate me.

2:24 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Mr.Dinners: You sound like the IDEAL. Although you know as well as I - he is not called Nigel. Those poor fuckers have to spend half an hour at the start of their shift reading up on current events in Britain and making sure they know what the weather is like here so they can 'relate'. And then have to pretend to have English names. They are all usually graduates and are all (obviously) bilingual. Fuck me. And we say we have it hard.

Pie: They DEFINATELY do. But it isn't your fault.

12:08 am  
Blogger Delboy's Daughter said...

TD... 21 comments ????


DUUUUUUDE!

You'll have to start charging for this shit soon dear.

9:57 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

22 actually. And amazingly, I have had offers.

12:28 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did you find it? Interesting read film editing schools

12:40 am  

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