Blustery Fellow: Now. Then. What has happened?
I should be used to this. I am not. I look at the wall for a second.
Me. Support. How can I help?
BF: Well the bally DVD's broken isn't it? Don't you know?
I rub my eyes. I've not had much sleep of late.
Me: I am assuming you mean the DVD drive of your computer? And not your DVD player.
It's best to be on the safe side. You'd be surprised.
BF: Well bloody obviously. Don't you know? You bloody supplied it.
Me: I don't believe it was me personally sir but I will attempt-
BF: THE WHOLE BALLY SYSTEM'S DOWN. BECAUSE OF THIS BALLY DVD!
This does happen. When attempting to open say, My Computer, your PC will briefly flash all drives associated. If one is malfunctioning - your dvd drive for example - the whole system can lock.
I feel I am Getting Somewhere.
Me: Previous to this have you had any video playback problems? Or has it been problematic reading any kind of data, either from cd or dvd?
I'm thinking about a firmware upgrade.
BF: What the hell are you blithering about man?
Me: *SIGH* O.K. Lets go back a bit. When you say the whole system has gone down, what EXACTLEY do you mean? Do you get a blue screen? Does it just lock? Does it restart?
BF: My Christ young man, I have NO IDEA what you are talking about. I just want the DVD to start working so I get the BBC page.
I notice I have been clenching and un-clenching my right fist for some time.
Me: Sir. Are you having trouble accessing the internet?
BF: WHAT HAVE I JUST BEEN TELLING YOU?
Me: Mmmmm. When you say DVD, are you referring to a box between your PC and phone line? What we would call a router?
BF: How in jerry would I know. Good God, what do I pay you people for?
Me: Let's try resetting it.
BF: Settling WHAT?
Me: Sorry. Just turning it of for about five seconds or so.
BF: Right. It's off. The screen's black.
Me: You've turned of your PC?
BF: YES. I want the SYSTEM to work. That's what we are trying to do. That's what you said.
Me: Could you turn it all back on again please?
BF: Again? You've only just told me to turn it off. You don't sound very knowledgable young man.
BF: Right. What this time?
Me: The router. A box between your phone line and, erm PC [cough]system could you just turn that off. Just the small box.
BF: Where is the switch?
Me: I'm not sure. Do you know the exact manu- forget it. Just pull out the power cable.
Me: IT IS THE FU- it has a black cord. The end of it will be cylindrical as opposed to oblong or square. It will not be transparent.
BF: Right. Now what.
Me: Put it back in.
BF: Do you KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING YOUNG MAN? I'VE ONLY JUST TAKEN IT OUT?!
[Some fumbling sounds]
BF: Right. Now what.
Me: Why don't we try again. Open Internet Explorer.
Me: It's a big blue 'e'
BF: You needn't talk down to me young man.
BF: Doesn't matter. It seems to have sorted itself out. Waste of time this has been. Good day.
Average week: repeat by one hundred.
Random Person: I seem to have a bit of trouble with my anti-virus software...
Me: Oh? What do you use?
Me: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!" IT'S FUCKING SHIT THAT'S FUCKING WHY!!!
Average per week: about a fucking million.
I do not do this for a living any more.