Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Nursery Incident

We take Favourite Daughter to nursery for the first time.

We’ve not been in the town long. Tired Mam does not know it at all. I barely knew it half my lifetime ago.

We take what we believe, on the advice of the few people we know, to be the best option.

The woman who runs it is enormous. In a 'you’re going to need a bigger boat' way.

I’ve no problem with the larger lady. Quite like it, in fact (away from the point. And TM would now stress she is not among their number). But, you know. The sort of ‘I get hungry. I like food. It tastes nice. I’ll eat it if I want to. Why should I not? Life is ace. I’ll do other things I want to as well. Because I can. And do you know what? When I’m dead, I’ll be just as dead as you when you’re dead’. Those sort. They’re always happy, and you just want to be around them.

Better that than some normal-sized woman who doesn’t shut the fuck up about their weight.

Anyway. She wasn’t one of the happy ones. And she stunk. Whatever.

Probably glandular.

FD’s first day. The first time in her life she has been without us for any length of time.

We deposit her, kiss her goodbye, and wait in a separate room for nervous parents and drink coffee in case anything goes immediately wrong. As if it would.

After a few minutes we hear hysterical screams. Of several children. It sounds like blind panic. We shift in our chairs. We ourselves do not panic. This must be normal.

The door busts open. Free Willy has FD under her arm.

‘It’s no good,’ she says. ‘She’ll have to go. We are not equiped to cope with this.’

I look at FD’s face. She is not upset, even though there are tears running down her face. She is FUCKING furious about something.

‘Erm. What happened?’

‘Well. All I said was it wasn’t time for playing with the toys anymore and it was story time now and time to be quiet. She went mad. Started throwing stuff, shouting and that. All the other children were so scared, they all started crying. I had to take her out. I’m sorry, she can’t stay.’ Said Free Willy. We held our noses.

Put a child in a room of fascinating new people. Of interesting new toys. And then tell her to sit quiet whilst you stink them out with your shit story, BO and sense of failure. I’d have kicked-off too.

FD was in a bad temper anyway. Hadn’t had much sleep. Don’t know where she gets it from.

SHE WAS EXPELLED ON HER FIRST DAY!

Tired Mam almost died with embarrassment.

I almost burst with pride.

11 Comments:

Blogger Ranting Dullard said...

Sounds like a crap nursery to me. Lots of kids have outbursts of anger when they feel anxious (its the same physiological response). You did well to avoid fat mamma's nursery.
Its so hard to find good nursery provision. I train a lot of nursery staff and frankly they are thick as pig shit. I woulndt trust them to look after my goldfish never mind a child.
Have a word with your local surestart and find a nursery that has been inspected by OFSTED.
Good luck.

8:57 am  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

I wonder about the skill sets possessed by some of the individuals in such professions.

10:12 am  
Blogger Pie said...

Expelled for being angry, frustrated and tired? Are the rest of the kids zombies?

I haven't met one kid who hasn't felt that way lots of times, particularly in a brand new environment. Stupid nursery.

10:16 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

I've got 4 kids, the bigger 3 (now 9,8,5) have been to nursery they hated it, the older 2 went to school hated it, we home educate now - you get more sleep - no early starts ;0)

3:38 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

I spent about 10 years tryin' to get expelled! The first day! A hero is born! Brilliant!

10:31 pm  
Blogger Fluff said...

Popped by old chap.. hilarious. Well done FD. Both our three and four year olds are destined for world domination. Lets hope they work together rather than against each other!

1:06 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

RD: Many thanks, but fear not, this took place a couple of years ago. Current nursery is on the premises of Big School that FD shall attend in Sept, and is wonderful. No one stinks, and no-one is obese. Congrats on the job by the way.

*: I think they're so desperate they'll employ fucking anyone so long as they don't look like Ian Brady.

Pie: Thanks. And welcome.

Amanda: I couldn't bear to have them around the house ALL DAY! The lie-in sounds tempting though.

Dinners: I know! I couldn't stop kissing her!

Fluff! FLUFF!!: HELLO!! Christ, maybe it'll be a bit of both like in Disney's Fox and Hound and it'll all be a bit bitter-sweet.

11:49 pm  
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Anonymous oogruk said...

It's the same or worse in the US. I must point out that the people, in reality women, who do this job are paid so little that you only get the best, who do it for love, and the worst. Kind of like employees of nursing homes or people who perform abortions in countries where it's illegal. Or teachers, for that matter, over here in the public (free) schools. Standards will rise when wages and respect rise. The problem is, many parents can barely afford it now. This is one reason why i had dogs instead of children.

6:51 am  

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