Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Total Bullshit

I am seven.

I am at Sunday School. (Really. Every week).

It was Catholic. My father would dump me and my younger brother there each week. I suspect Younger Brother does not remember.

Father would collect us afterwards very cheerful and stinking of booze.

But this school. Water. Wine. Fishes. Loaves.

Nonsense, surely? I mean, I was at that age. I was doubting the magical ability of Paul Daniels. This Jesus guy had a long way to go. I thought it was all rubbish. I was seven.

Consigned to hell before we start? Erm. Can I go C of E? They seem slightly more forgiving. (As it happened I did get to go to a C of E school and in many ways it was worse.)


Interior. Evening.

Lackey: How do Pope-Meister.

Pope: What!?

Lackey: Sorry. You know, like Brent-Meister off of the Offi-

Pope: SILENCE! Bit too close to the bone.

Lackey: Sorry.

Pope: How goes my latest WORD.

Lackey: What? You mean like the WORD of God?

Pope: You know. Don’t fuck about.

Lackey: The abolition of Purgatory thing?

Pope: That is my WORD.

Lackey: Em. Yeah. Like the WORD of God and that.

Pope: Indeed. I have said, and so it will be written and so it will be shall.

Lackey: Em. Look. I Get It and that, but the whole Purgatory thing……..I mean that is old stuff. It’s been going years. People will think it odd if we abandon it now.

Pope: Look. I need to reform. Look at that guy in England erm Great Britain erm what the fuck is it called?

Lackey: I believe it is the U.K. this week sir.

: Indeed. Look at that guy. He had to shake things up a bit. Say it’s time to ‘put up or shut up’. Just look at him now.

Lackey: Em. That was John Major.

Pope: Who am I talking about?

Lackey: I don’t know. Currently, I’m not sure they do either.

Pope: Whatever. There’s going to be some changes around here. Oh yes.

Lackey: It’s just. You know. Well. You remember the whole not eating meat on Friday thing?

Pope: Fuck me yeah. Loud of shit that was. I get home from work on a Friday I want a bloody steak.

Lackey: O.K. Em. Yeah. But folk thought us a bit silly for casting that aside instantaneously. We are now talking about casting aside an ENTIRE METAPHYSICAL REALM, CORNER-STONE OF FAITH AND SOMETHING WE HAVE PREACHED AS BEING PART OF OUR SILLY PLANES OF EXISTENCE. In effect, we are giving Hell a promotion!

Pauses for breath.

It’s just, if we keep doing this, they might realise that it’s all bullshit.

Pope: [Not listening] No. I’ve checked the paperwork. It’s Heaven who get the bairns. They get the promotion.

Lackey: Was it you who gave The Exorcist your approval?

Pope: No. The other guy.

Lackey: I quit.

Pope: You will burn.


Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

I was thrown out of Sunday school after swiping a banana at the harvest festival (aged around 6 I think). I was hungry for fucks sake! They kept me playing for their football team 'cause I was good but wouldn't let me back in after the banana thing. I'm goin' to burn for a banana.

3:33 pm  
Anonymous over said...

"Limbo" still exists. It's now one of the stages in buying a house, lying somewhere between "mortgage agreement" and "completion"

12:57 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: I you have to suffer eternal torment for something....

Overnight: Delighted estate agents are still flying the flag and are denying lost souls an eternal rest.

3:25 am  
Anonymous monkeymother said...

To think, they've spent all this time worrying about unbaptised babies flying around in Limbo, but failed to address the issue of African catholics dying for lack of a condom. Dontcha just love 'em?

6:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn those unbaptised babies to hell...well thanks a lot pope. I was dragged up a catholic too. Nice to see the church responding to those of us that have lost eh?

11:10 am  
Blogger mr_glide said...

Well, I'm C of E. Which means nothing. So I'm fine. In any case, purgatory is exclusively reserved for people who ride underpowered trail-bikes down my road at 4am, as far as I'm concerned.

3:54 pm  
Blogger Lee said...

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure they gave Purgatory to Tom Cruise to manage.

4:12 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

RD: No, I'm fairly sure the new rule means that heav - oh. I forgot. It's all a silly fairy tale. But with people being nailed to crosses and that.

M_G: I don't know if you can buy what the police call stingers (I think) but you should look into it. Piano wire tied between lamposts at opposite sides of the street would work as well.

Lee: THAT was funny.

10:19 pm  
Blogger Mikey said...

Immensely fucking droll. I chuckled audibly; my wife asked what I was laughing at, came and had a look and emitted several quite ladylike laugh-noises of her own.

please stop by my shed* sometime, and you will see that I have placed a link to your splendid blog down the right hand side where the links go.


11:46 am  
Anonymous andrew said...

So do those swarms of little still-borns suddenly go WHOOOOSH! - like a big sky rocket, off up to heaven?

I think the Main Man must have a great sense of humour. I expect he needs it, in his job.

12:16 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I should think he probably -

Oh. Hang on. I keep forgetting it's all make-believe.

7:58 pm  

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