I am at Sunday School. (Really. Every week).
It was Catholic. My father would dump me and my younger brother there each week. I suspect Younger Brother does not remember.
Father would collect us afterwards very cheerful and stinking of booze.
But this school. Water. Wine. Fishes. Loaves.
Nonsense, surely? I mean, I was at that age. I was doubting the magical ability of Paul Daniels. This Jesus guy had a long way to go. I thought it was all rubbish. I was seven.
Consigned to hell before we start? Erm. Can I go C of E? They seem slightly more forgiving. (As it happened I did get to go to a C of E school and in many ways it was worse.)
Lackey: How do Pope-Meister.
Lackey: Sorry. You know, like Brent-Meister off of the Offi-
Pope: SILENCE! Bit too close to the bone.
Pope: How goes my latest WORD.
Lackey: What? You mean like the WORD of God?
Pope: You know. Don’t fuck about.
Lackey: The abolition of Purgatory thing?
Pope: That is my WORD.
Lackey: Em. Yeah. Like the WORD of God and that.
Pope: Indeed. I have said, and so it will be written and so it will be shall.
Lackey: Em. Look. I Get It and that, but the whole Purgatory thing……..I mean that is old stuff. It’s been going years. People will think it odd if we abandon it now.
Pope: Look. I need to reform. Look at that guy in England erm Great Britain erm what the fuck is it called?
Lackey: I believe it is the U.K. this week sir.
Pope: Indeed. Look at that guy. He had to shake things up a bit. Say it’s time to ‘put up or shut up’. Just look at him now.
Lackey: Em. That was John Major.
Pope: Who am I talking about?
Lackey: I don’t know. Currently, I’m not sure they do either.
Pope: Whatever. There’s going to be some changes around here. Oh yes.
Lackey: It’s just. You know. Well. You remember the whole not eating meat on Friday thing?
Pope: Fuck me yeah. Loud of shit that was. I get home from work on a Friday I want a bloody steak.
Lackey: O.K. Em. Yeah. But folk thought us a bit silly for casting that aside instantaneously. We are now talking about casting aside an ENTIRE METAPHYSICAL REALM, CORNER-STONE OF FAITH AND SOMETHING WE HAVE PREACHED AS BEING PART OF OUR SILLY PLANES OF EXISTENCE. In effect, we are giving Hell a promotion!
Pauses for breath.
Lackey: It’s just, if we keep doing this, they might realise that it’s all bullshit.
Pope: [Not listening] No. I’ve checked the paperwork. It’s Heaven who get the bairns. They get the promotion.
Lackey: Was it you who gave The Exorcist your approval?
Pope: No. The other guy.
Lackey: I quit.
Pope: You will burn.