Saturday, September 16, 2006

Is He Still Shouting It?

Pants, I think to myself.

I use one of those underground-railway-type things to get from the very glamorous trading estate that is home to my office building to the centre of the city - the part that is populated by real people.

As I get to my tube station platform my mini-underground-train-thing-that-doesn’t-to-my-knowledge-have-a-proper-name departs seconds before I arrive.

Pants.

No matter. They are very good. Only a couple of minutes waiting time normally. And it’s not so bad. This is one of the stations that aren’t actually underground. So. You know. That’s a bonus. I suppose.

There is a fellow staring intently into one of the rubbish bins that are strangely allowed on our city’s tube stations despite the fact that they vanished from real train stations in 1978 so the IRA could not put bombs in them. That scuppered them. I understand that the al-qaeda are also a bit stuck for ideas as a result. Don’t tell them about our underground for Christ’s sake.

This fellow then emits a long trail of saliva into said bin and stares at that intently. He is about 45, wearing a shell-suit (A SHELL SUIT) that does not reach his ankles and appears to be slightly cross-eyed.

Oh No, I think. It is a Mental.

I adopt Mental Alert standard procedure and pretend not to notice him and think to myself Do Not Look Him In The Eye.

I look at the timetable board. I have a few minutes. Hmm. Perhaps a cigarette.

As I take the packet from my pocket he begins RUNNING directly at me, skidding to a halt less than one foot in front of me in a Wyle E Coyote manner.

Mental Bloke: [Very excitable] How. Gie ayes one a theyme.

Me: [Calm] No.

MB: What?

Me: No.

MB: [Forcefully] Gie ayes one a theym. Please.

Me: No.

MB: [Looking quite perplexed at the injustice of it all] I sayed please.

Me: And I said no.

At this point he takes a step toward me.

(The rank amateur would feel this invasion of space and instinctively take a step back to retain their comfort zone. THIS IS A SCHOOLBOY ERROR. Never step back. They’ve got you on the fucking ropes then.)

I too step forward. He blinks. It slowly dawns on me that I am squaring-up to an obvious mental at a tube station. Perhaps not one of my more considered moves.

MB: [Actually very aggressive now, and still pursuing his God-given right to cigarettes from strangers] I’m in the middle of nowhere here.

He is not.

Me: That’s neither my concern nor responsibility.

The combination of foolishly aggressive body-language and use of words unique to non-mental people is successful.

He steps back.

MB: Aye well. [With menace] I’ll see you LATER.

Heads toward the stairs out of the station. On his way, he looks over his shoulder and delivers what would be his parting shot.

MB: If you’re lucky.

I take a drag on my cigarette. MB’s pace slows a little.

He is obviously mulling-over the impact of his parting shot and the relative logic thereof. I get the feeling he does not think it was as strong as it could have been.

MB reaches the stairs, and also some sort of decision.

He turns, and looks me right in the eye. He takes a very deep breath. And opens his mouth.

MB: CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT!

It goes on for about 10 seconds. It is actually rather impressive.

He walks up the stairs and vanishes. I consider the incident closed. A moment later I hear a disembodied voice:

CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT!

I smoke some more of my cigarette. Several minutes pass. The tracks start to hum, indicating the arrival of my mini-train-underground-thing.

From far off, like the lament of a lost love, carried on the breeze, I hear:

Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnt.

I am now properly pissing myself laughing. Stood on my own.

There are many people on the platform that did not witness the earlier exchange.

They pretend not to notice me. They make a point of not looking me in the eye.

40 Comments:

Anonymous frenchie said...

excellent post, was the accent of MB sort of scottish like? they usually are, it seems to fit.... I'm still trying to work out where you are...

10:55 pm  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

Funniest post I've read in weeks, you cunt.

1:30 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Frenchie: Hello. Are you my first proper stalker? Please check the archives for further clues. You will find little. I think. Shit. I'm encouraging you now. Fuck. Go away mental person.

Welcome though.

NWM: Praise indeed.

2:08 am  
Anonymous frenchie said...

No, not mental just shy. I too attract people that like to scream CUUUUUNNNNNT or similiar profanities, which is what forced me out of the closet to comment. Also the fact that I nearly peed laughing at your post. Don't know about being a stalker, but it sounds like fun.

10:10 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

ROFL!!

4:59 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Frenchie: I am assuming that as you have used the term 'peed myself' you are a woman. Please correct me if I am wrong. I'm very glad you have decided to reveal yourself: I need all the attention I can get at the minute. Why do people call you bad things? Why? Please tell.

Amanda: Once again. I do not speak Internet. I am assuming you are saying something nice.

11:30 pm  
Anonymous overnighteditor said...

I enjoyed "like the lament of a lost love"

Never seen a man piss himself through laughter. Seen a woman do it (and no money changed hands).

Certainly wouldn't swap my insomnia. Look at all the useful things I've done with it. Such as, erm...

1:38 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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4:59 am  
Anonymous frenchie said...

It's not that people call me bad things, but I have an uncanny knack for finding myself in the vicinity of looneys, that have been let loose for whatever reason. They single me out and usually some sort of public humiliation follows. I suppose some women (you guessed right) are loser magnets, me, I attract mentals. I am not mental...

6:24 am  
Blogger Tracy Lynn said...

Like fly paper for freaks. Damned funny.

3:46 pm  
Anonymous lee said...

Great post. Standing up to a mental makes you foolish, or brave, bravely foolish, or, of course, foolishly brave. Mostly I'm just glad you lived to write about it. Gave me a welcome chuckle.

4:52 pm  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

td wot u gatta aginst mentals? that shite is funny tho

8:16 pm  
Blogger JustJudeB said...

OK. That's the funniest thing I've read since tea-time. Again.

If you discount the 'creative writing/biography' piece from a girl in year six about the cat shitting in the car. Which wasn't actually funny. But the writer thought it was.

And I laughed anyway because the car in question is one of the porche 4x4s.

Me? Scared?

9:31 pm  
Anonymous Monkeymother said...

Dear TD, I am so glad you managed to rouse yourself from your fatigue. This is simply marvellous (would do capitals, but I think those funny intenetty people think that it's the same as shouting, poor souls).

Of course, and I hate to be a mummy here, if you gave up the sodding fags (oops, those poor Americans), not only would you be better off financially, as well as healthier, but you probably wouldn't be approached by the unhinged trying to cadge one. You could save the money in a jar and buy your very own shellsuit - in turquoise perhaps?

11:52 pm  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

I ... oh.

1:19 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

T.D, roll on floor laughing. Sorry I will use real words instead! Really funny. More of those please!

10:32 am  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

It disturbs me how often I leave your blog laughing. Very few blogs have this effect on me.

But, I wonder, was this Mental calling you Cunt because he knows that your sometimes alter ego is Tedious Cunt? And perhaps he knows, too, where you live?

Good luck with that.

11:26 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Overnight: That's the thing. Not much you can get done at three in the morning.

Anon: Fuck off will you.

Frenchie: Know the feeling. Oh. And I too am not mental. I think.

Lee: To be quite honest, I started properly shaking about 15 minutes later when I remembered the amount of people killed/beaten to within an inch of their lives at that particular station. Three years, one per year. I will take a good thrashing any day of the week over 'being a pussy', but am not so keen on 'being dead'.

Puppy Guy: Welcome back. Where you been? Thanks and that.

Just-person: I'm quite nice really. Depending on who you speak to. Those who don't know me terribly well say that I'm actually lovely but just pretend to be a cunt to protect myself. They are wrong.

MM: I refer you to my earlier reply to the Overnight chap. Oh. And. Are you suggesting I believe the world is controlled by a secret one-world government named The Illuminata who are all really seven-foot tall lizards? Please explain. (or ask me to if you are as sane as you sound.)

NWM: Yeah. I know.

Amanda: Thanks for the clarification. My guess was Roars Out Fucking Loud but I'm glad you've cleared it up.

*: Oh yeah. Fucking cheers for that. Shit. SHIT. Thanks by the way.

8:34 pm  
Anonymous Monkeymother said...

No, I just thought that you might like to lounge around the house in something a little more comfortable, and turquoise not only restful, but suits many complexions. And I don't see Mr Icke anymore, honestly.

10:04 pm  
Blogger JustJudeB said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:04 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

MM: You got it. I never really doubted.

11:16 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

first good laugh of the day. Ta TD. Brilliant stuff mate.

2:51 pm  
Blogger jali said...

OMG - funny as hell, dude!

I made the mistake of reading this: I adopt Mental Alert standard procedure and pretend not to notice him and think to myself Do Not Look Him In The Eye. right before answering the telephone. Answering the telephone is one of the more important parts of this job that I love and I couldn't perform my simple duties due to incapacitation due to laughter.
Bookmarked!

10:02 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners Fella: My pleasure. And thanks.

Jali: Welcome. Pop in from time-to-time but this is about as funny as it gets.

10:14 pm  
Blogger d34dpuppy said...

in tha bin

8:03 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

PuppyGuy: You've lost me.

10:13 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

This was very funny, but what I really love is how, no matter where in the world a reader is, they would get this. 'Mentals' abound. Anyone could understand and follow your thought process, but somehow you made M's transparent as well. So good.

3:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG..No wonder I LOVE you..
you're fucking hilarious and one of those wily mentals..( able to fake being "normal" for long stretches of time.)
Cynnie
www.cynnpr.blogspot.com

5:56 pm  
Blogger fwengebola said...

A work of swearing art. First class.

9:34 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:11 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Rachel: Hello again. Too kind.

CYN: Why the curren 'anon' stance? Oh, and regard the 'faking it' stuff - horribly close to the truth.

F-whatever: Welcome.

12:21 am  
Blogger mr_glide said...

That was good. And funny. After a blissful week off, this has helped in some small way to alleviate the agony of returning to work. Thanks.

1:00 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Don't mention it.

1:09 pm  
Blogger The_'Real'_Batman said...

I cannot stop laughing. Damn you I've spilt hot chocolate all over the keyboard

9:59 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hot chocolate? Each to their own. Welcome back.

12:15 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you miserable old bastard

5:39 am  
Anonymous ob 1 ken ob said...

you wil see him later with one eye cos he will be sticking his man meat in your other eye sockett

5:40 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Anon: Your point?

Alec Guiness: You are thinking about men doing the fuck to other men. Did your uncle touch you in your wee-wee place?

11:02 pm  
Anonymous summerofb said...

hahaHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2:48 pm  
Blogger mad muthas said...

ah! that is absolutely perfect! every word, just perfect!

4:41 pm  

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