Sunday, October 29, 2006

Work. Scary Man. Weird. But Sort of Not. Children.

I am at work, some time ago.

For reasons that escape me (i.e: ‘There’s a trade show on across the river! At least two hours off work so we can Network! Come on!’ You just said 'network'. No thanks.) there is only me and Slightly Scary Guy in the office.

‘Slightly’scary for a number of reasons.

He is about my height, but built like a brick shithouse. He is ex-Forces. He saw active service in the Falklands. He killed people. You know. Actually and that. And at the start of each working day, he sits with his head on his desk and growls like a dog, and then repeats the word ‘cunt’ for at least ten minutes.

SSG is on the phone. After trying not to overhear, it becomes apparent that it is not a business call.

SSG: I have to go. I’ll try and see you on Saturday. Be a good girl for your mother.

SSG: What?

SSG: Well, just try, O.K?

SSG: Make the effort will you.

SSG: [a bit exasperated] Because I’m going out on Friday. I’m entitled to a night out once a year aren’t I? I said I’d see you Saturday. Now will you be good for your Mam?

SSG: What?

SSG: Beacuase I am asking - no, I am telling you to.

SSG: Look. You are six. I am thirty four. That is why.

SSG: It IS a good reason.

SSG: [Starting to lose the upper hand] Look. Be GOOD, or I won’t take you to the Cbeebies Roadshow I’ve bought tickets for.

SSG: No, well, I hadn't told you. [Sighs. He knows what has just happened] It was meant to be a surprise but you’ve just tricked me. [He has thoroughly lost the upper hand]

SSG: Whatever. Just try and be good will you? Cos I get it in the neck when you don’t. I have to go.

He hangs up. And expels enough air to fill the office three times over. He looks at me.

SSG: You’ve got bairns haven’t you?

We have never spoken before.

(Aside from The Cigarette Incident. But I haven't mentioned that yet.)

Me: Um. Yeah.

SSG: Girl?

Me: One.

SSG: If you tell her to be good, and she says 'I don't really feel like it', what do you do?

Me: You've lost before you start. You're on the ropes and she knows it.

He nods, as if I have confirmed his worst fears.

I look at him for a bit.

He has instantly changed from being a man who can kill someone purely by driving the cartilage of their nose into their brain with the heel of his palm into a divorced man who is easily out-manouvered by a girl of six years old and does not feel he can push the issue because it’s bad enough that he no longer lives in the same house as everyone.

SSG: [Sighs again, stares out of the window with a wistful look for a second] If your girl told you she was a lezza, how would you feel?

This is a bit out of the blue.

But I’m feeling some sort of newfound affinity with this man, so I make the effort.

Me: Not one way or the other to be honest. So long as she’s O.K.

He nods again.

SSG: Aye. And at least you’ll know she won’t be getting fucked-up by twats like us.

I think for a bit. Then nod my head in the same manner he has displayed. (He has a point).

SSG: You’ve got a boy as well?

Me:[hesitant] Yeeeees.

SSG: If he told you he was a –

Me: No. NO.

SSG: [again seeming to feel that I have confirmed something for him] Aye.

23 Comments:

Anonymous overnighted said...

Only thought worse than your parents having sex:

Your children having sex.

11:56 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Aaaargh. Stop.

12:24 am  
Anonymous frenchie said...

With a partner of the same sex.....

6:31 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

sex does not exist for children. I have advised my daughter of this and she assures me it is true. I am a happy idiot. My daughter will one day be a 93 year old virgin. I need another drink.

4:20 pm  
Anonymous Ranting Dullard said...

See it on a daily basis. It just gets annoying after a bit

5:15 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

My daughter is 21 and still a virgin..
Her father has put so much guilt in her wee little mind that she's scared to have sex.

Last time she was here I encouraged her to have wild hot sex.

Not really encouraged..I demanded!!

You men are crazy ..

6:36 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

And..( since i'm on the pulpit)

Even if your son were a Big ol' Liza Minelli looking drag queen..
You'd love him and accept him..
He's still your child

6:38 pm  
Blogger ldbug said...

Aw, you guys bonded;-)

11:02 pm  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

great conversation you put on record here! It should be used in any and all parent training classes, should they exist.

11:46 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Frenchie: Jesus NO!

Dinners: My daughter is not allowed to entertain gentleman until she is at least 32. And my 'entertain' I mean pulling funny faces and that.

RD: Hark at Mr.World Weary. First time I had seen it come from an ex-professional killer was my point. Although I get your point. It is the most tiresome conversation in the world to overhear most times.

C: 21? REALLY? Even in The Americas? I thought it was some sort of law that you all had your virginity surgically removed at birth so as not to offend God by having to do it manually or something.

And, em, Liza Minelli and that. Lets not be silly.

ldbug: I wouldn't say bond. Just acquired sensible reasons for avoiding each other as oppossed to the previous quite irrational ones.

Olives: My thanks.

2:43 am  
Blogger clarissa said...

Ahhhhhh.

That's all.

8:34 pm  
Blogger pocketpunk said...

girls are right at the front of that fucking queue when they are handing out manipulation and blackmail skills ...its all part and parcel of the sugar and spice and all things nice ...rough with the smooth and all that ...

10:19 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Clarissa: Welcome. Or is it welcome Back? So difficult to tell in the 'on the line' world.

PP: Welcome back. (I am sure of this one.) You are quite right. And speaking for all grown men with young daughters I am saddened to report that after many years of dealing with it from actual grown women, we are putty in the hands of a daughter under the age of ten. Or a daughter of any age. Pah.

10:37 pm  
Blogger Will said...

Despite the bonding, I'm still slightly scared of SSG. And now you have something on him, he might feel the need to redress the balance by driving the cartilage of your nose into your brain with the heel of his palm.

9:51 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

Daughters *do* have the upper hand with Dads.

1:14 pm  
Blogger Lee said...

Careful there Tired, with all that bonding, your penis might just slip right into him.

11:57 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Will: I hadn't thought of that. You're right. He has shown weakness. Shit.

Amanda: I KNOW.

Lee: Steady on.

3:59 am  
Blogger looby said...

What's worrying about your son turning gay? The only reason it would worry me is because I know how difficult it would be for him at times, unless he managed to find some sort of super-tolerant corner of the world to live in.

3:52 pm  
Anonymous andrew said...

After a getting few jibes from her in the pub I said jokingly to my younger daughter, "Well, at least you're not pregnant and Tom isn't gay so I must have done something right as a father."
This statement was followed by a long silence.
It turned out, about a year later when she finally got round to telling me, she was gay. Not that I minded.

At least Tom wasn't pregnant.

5:36 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Looby: Where has your blog gone? The same place as your sense of humour, clearly.

Andrew: Welcome. Ah. Very good. Similar (sort of. Not really actually) conversation over five years ago:

In The Pub. Present: Me, Girlfriend (to eventually become Tired Mam), Girlfriend's Dad and brother.

GD: [Jovial] What's this in aid of then? Not often you ask us all out together.

Then Girlfriend fidgets a bit.

GD: [Still very jovial] Me and your brother reckon you've got an announcement to make. Ha-ha. Either you two have decided to get married after ONLY A FEW MONTHS or you're UP THE CLOUT! Hahahahahaha!

Silence.

Then Girlfriend looks at me.

Me: Erm. Well. We've no plans for marriage just now.

7:51 pm  
Blogger mad muthas said...

whe my son was 10 they had a bit of sex ed at school (no doubt they call it something like PTFE now) and he said, in a very outraged way, 'why do i need to know about that? i'm 10. i've got to go to high school and then college and then university and then get married first.'
now he's 12 - and it's aaaaaall different.

12:54 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

'why do i need to know about that? i'm 10. i've got to go to high school and then college and then university and then get married first.'

THAT DID NOT HAPPEN. Prove it and I will still not believe it.

12. Yes. I buy that. He probably has children of his own.

11:11 pm  
Blogger mad muthas said...

he's signed up with agent provocateur in the hope of seeing kate moss taking her kit off - sigh

10:53 pm  

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