Thursday, November 09, 2006

Licensed to Kill*

I need cigarettes.

My local off-licence is conveniently situated 1 minute and 32 seconds walk away from my front door.

I go there.

Woman in front of me in queue.

Troll Woman Behind Counter: Are you seeing him tonight?

Woman In Front Of Me: Aye.

TWBC: Give him theym from us.

Hands over box of Roses chocolates.

WIFOM: Aaar. Thanks.

She departs. TWBC notices that I have overheard.

TWBC: Aye. She’s the sister of one of our customers. He hasn’t got long. The drink, ya knaw. Liver’s knackered. Another operation this week. They say it’ll be a miracle if he pulls through. Nae chance, really.

Me: Em. O.K. then. Twenty Regal Filter please.

TWBC: There ya gan.

We complete our transaction.

TWBC: [quietly] Such a shame. [To herself] One of our best customers an’all.

*Title suggested by semi-anonymous reader Philip. Genius, and much better than all I had thought of.

Not very funny post-script 13/11/06. He's dead. Didn't make it throught the surgery. 28 years old. I don't know his name.


Blogger Clarissa said...

The Cigarette Incident?

Or, How to Get Yo'self Some Free Roses?

9:06 pm  
Blogger amphimacer said...

Mostly Dead's Still Not Dead.

One might recall the song from the eighties with the refrain, "We're here for a good time, not a long time, so have a good time . . ."

9:26 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Clarissa: Oh yes. The first one would have worked.

Liking the second.

Amphimacer: Also very fond, but the reference is beyond me.

It seems this comment section is going to be inter-interactive. No. That's wrong. Meta-interactive. No. That is also wrong. A homogeny of negotiation. Shite.

9:53 pm  
Blogger Davenelli said...

If only Cadbury made White Lillies instead of Roses.

10:37 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...


Very good.

Front Runner at the minute.

(Just so everyone knows. This happened some weeks ago but I have checked and he is not dead yet. So this is officially Not Distasteful. Although it is a matter of weeks apparently.

Vodka sales at the offy have gone THROUGH THE FLOOR I am informed.)

10:49 pm  
Anonymous frenchie said...

Stuffed liver to go?..

OK, I'll go back into hiding.

8:07 am  
Anonymous philip said...

Licensed to kill..?

9:56 am  
Anonymous Grax said...

How's about "Awkward" as the title?

10:32 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

World becomes better after man drinks himself to death.

10:37 am  
Blogger mr_glide said...

"Like a dealer lamenting the death of a junkie he gave a wrap of rat poison to. Say it with Roses."

Excuse me. I am very tired.

11:38 am  
Blogger Lee said...

Ummm...ugly American here. I didn't understand a word she said.

7:13 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Frenchie: No. Don't go away. Would have been very good. If stuffed liver were a popular takeaway. Perhaps it is. But not round my house.

Philip: Hello. VERY good.

Grax: Jesus. How about NOT.

RD: I am VERY tempted.

M_G: Good God man. You should get your own blog. Oh. Well. You should write one at least.

Lee: Apologies to American and any non-North East of England readers. Concentrate and you'll probably get it. Basic linguistics - structure is everything.

10:26 pm  
Blogger Windypops said...

The Naked Liquid Lunch.

10:17 am  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

So, I'm guessing you'll be a good customer elsewhere? And, did you enjoy that pack, then?

5:47 am  
Blogger Ms Baroque said...

How about "You Always Hurt the One You Love"?

9:08 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

there are so many inconsiderate gits around. You become a best customer then die! What use is that to out corner shops then??

9:27 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

My decision is made.

11:22 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Anyone reading the comments may now be a bit confused.

To explain. I was stuck for a title for the post, so flung it open. Someone cleverer than me came up with a good one. That is all.

11:31 pm  
Anonymous philip said...

You are too kind, really

4:38 pm  
Blogger Ms Baroque said...

Terrible and the title is excellent.

11:00 pm  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Oops, that PS really isn't very funny. He was one of their best customers, an' all.

9:17 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1:34 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Russia - forever!

11:28 am  

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