Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The DVD Incident Part 3

Six months later.

I have stared at the DVD case every night. I have dreaded coming home. Knowing it is waiting for me.

Staring at me.

Mocking me.

The DVD represents weird and unwelcome social interaction. It is potent. It has a terrible power over me.

I fear it.

‘Have you watched it yet?’ Asks Makepeace. I mumble. I am a rational man. I can’t admit that I fear the DVD.

What if I do watch it?

I’ll be accepting the Weird. Welcoming it. BECOMING IT. I shall become a Sci-Fi person. I shall cling to strangers in pubs in an embarrassing manner. I shall accept this odd man and become his Friend. I will be ONE OF THEM. I shall purchase miniature lead figures of wizards from places called something like GAMESWORKSHOP that smell of feet and cheap deodorant.

The very sight of the DVD case begins to make me feel ill.

I hide it. From myself.

I actually put it under a cushion.

Friday last.

Makepeace: Em. That bloke was asking after his DVD. He seemed a bit cross. It’s been half a year.

I feel like someone has punched a hole in my stomach.

The moment of crisis has arrived.

I have to give it back. But on the off-chance that I ever see this man again, I shall have to watch it.

Which will be voluntarily accepting his offer of membership into the Theatre Of Odd.

He’s got me on the ropes. I’ve got nowhere to go. I can’t give it back without even watching it. It’s too damning. It would be essentially telling him how thoroughly worthless his existence is. But I CAN’T watch it. Because it would be to accept that random over-familiar social situations with odd people are actually OK. The act of watching it will be succumbing to him. He now has power over me. I am genuinely afraid.

Five minutes ago.

I read the plot synopsis on IMDB.

Ha. I am victorious. If I ever see him again, I can discuss the film with him. With some authority. And he WON’T KNOW I NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT!

I win.

For the first time in six months, I sleep easily.

I could do with a decent crisis now. Something to get my teeth into.


Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Go on then. What the fuck is the plot synopsis?

er...what's a synopsis? Who invented such a stupid word? I've run out of Kronenburg.

10:07 pm  
Anonymous frenchie said...

I know that feeling of relief well. I had the Jehovahs stalking me week in and week out, bringing me the Watchtower and other little religious publications full of shite. I was too "polite/chicken" to say "F*ck off", like all my intelligent neighbours did.

But now they're gone GONE and I am so happy. They were even phoning me mid-week to check if I'd read their shite.

10:32 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

Very clean. Who knew I could look so forward to reading a three part series on borrowing a DVD.

2:40 am  
Blogger bittersweet me said...


It was stressful enough reading about it, let alone living it.

Perhaps you shouldn't go to the pub any more - next time he might invite you to a sci-fi sleep-over (isn't that what they do?).

9:05 am  
Blogger jali said...

Watch the movie!

I loved it. (now I'm catagorized as a SciFi nerd)

3:38 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

A coward, then. Smart, though.

5:04 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

a guy handed me a dvd..what was the movie ?
christ the memories going ..but I knew it was crap ..
I had seen the ads for it when it first came out ..
I gave it back to ricardo the next day ..
I thanked him and told him how fab it was..
all the time I'm thinking " ricardo, you fat stupid twat."

5:52 pm  
Blogger Misssy M said...

I've a feeling this is not the end...sleep tight.

9:43 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

MM: Thanks. I'll try to. Don't know where you get that idea, but there'll be no further web-logging on any 'real crisis' stuff.

10:30 pm  
Blogger Miss Tickle said...

Look. You've missed out on a small piece of genius. Working yourself up into this frenzy. Men are strange creatures.

11:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Watch it. It's good. Much kicking and fighting in it.

Less of the sci-fi, more of the comedy space-pirate goodness.

Sort of.

3:48 pm  
Blogger Windypops said...

I think you got off quite lightly. I've had the entire Philip Pullman His Dark Materials trilogy foisted on me. That's probably a thousand pages I've got to read. I'm on page 16 of the first book.

7:18 pm  
Blogger John said...

Why don't you try and defy human biology and get yourself pregnant?

Now that would be a crisis to read about.

9:05 pm  
Blogger Rach said...

Just read John's comments and hahahahahahahahaha! He raises a good point, you need a crisis and he is offering you a solution. Rise to the bait and give us all something to worry about.

1:29 pm  
Blogger Mr Farty said...

Windypops - No need to read the Pullman books, just borrow the DVDs off TD's new friend when they come out.

Oh, and Tired? "places called something like GAMESWORKSHOP that smell of feet and cheap deodorant" - HOW DO YOU KNOW?

10:24 pm  
Anonymous Kaija said...

That was a brilliant solution to a sticky problem. :)

And Mom always said you have to be careful of what kind you meet in pubs ;)

12:23 pm  
Blogger toby said...

A crisis to get your teeth into? Careful what you wish for. Soon you'll have a teenage daughter...

Surprised by the slightly feminine hysterics over a DVD. Tell him it was crap. No need to watch it or waste time with synopses. Although, babes in space suits are always worth a look. Did you see that episode of Star Trek when T'Pau gets her kit off...?

4:35 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Tickle: What's strange about distancing yourself from strange science-fiction people?

Anon: 'Comedy space-pirate' actually sounds worse.

Windy: Is there not an Internet Book Database? Are there not York notes out yet?

John: What?

Rach: Really. What?

Farty: Em. It's just what I *imagine* it'd be like.

K: She's quite right.

Toby: Hello and welcome. I don't really know where to start.

8:29 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

hello? carajo!..
it's been 7 months now since you've stared at that stupid dvd

9:06 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I'm tired.

9:21 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...


5:53 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Bite me.

8:34 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

oooh..sex talk

2:48 pm  

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