The DVD Incident

It’s the small things that trouble me really.

I’ve had alarming house fires, impossible decisions regarding unborn and very-newly born children, career-threatening personal anguish, potential homelessness for me and my family and all sorts of grown-up-man things.

That I’ve dealt with. Without a thought.

Lend me a DVD though. I’m a wreck for half a year. It’s just too much responsibility.

Six months ago.

I am In The Pub.

Surrounded by brothers,other family and friends. There is no reason for anything Odd to occur. We are obviously safe from random events of minor importance but enormous Strangeness.

The things that REALLY trouble me.

A classic scenario ensues:

You’re stood around having a drink with a load of people you know. Random Bloke joins you and stands, drink in hand, nodding enthusiastically at anything said whilst grinning in a ‘hey I’m cool’ manner. After some time you feel compelled to include him in the conversation, assuming he must know at least one of your number.

Random Bloke goes to the Gents.

Me: Seems like a nice chap. How do you know him?

Dempsey [My Brother]: I don’t. He lives across the street from me I think. I thought you knew him. You’ve been quite chatty.

Me: Christ. Only because I thought he was your mate. I didn’t want to piss you off by being rude to him. I take that Public Information Broadcast really seriously. I NEVER talk to strangers.

Dempsey: What?

Me: Before your time. Christ. He might be a Mental. Jesus.

Dempsey: Sup up. We’ve got cabs. We’re going.

We depart in a fleet of cars and arrive at an Emporium of Alcoholic Beverages I would happily burn to the ground.

Some more drinks are consumed and I shout at strangers who bump into me and fortunately they do not hear me.

After fifteen minutes Random Bloke arrives.

RB: Must have got left behind. Whose round is it? Mine?

We chat for a bit. At this point I am beginning to feel bad for RB. Unsurprisingly, he turns out to be a big sci-fi fan. I am not, but I humour him. He talks about a show called Firefly.

I have not seen it as I am in my thirties and have had sex with real women.

He offers to lend me the DVD of the movie version.

I accept, secure in the knowledge that this is a lot of Big Talk. There shall be no lending of DVDs, no unwritten social contract that is usually involved in the lending of things, and I shall never see this man again.

It’s late. I’ve shouted at a number of large men who have felt that the quickest way to the gents is THROUGH anyone in my vicinity and decide it is time to retire. Before Something Bad And Bigger Than Me happens.

After embracing many lampposts I retire to my bed, content that I am safe and that no further oddness shall trouble me.

OR SO I THOUGHT.