Monday, June 08, 2009


People have to really be Something to impress me. I am not easily won over. But Grant From Work is my new personal hero.

I digress.

It’s strange how a business meeting can bend the space-time continuum.

You’re in there for three days, but when you leave the meeting room a mere thirty minutes have passed.

I have a new boss. She is all about the meetings. Every morning. Each identical.

Each so stultifyingly tedious I would gladly eat a tramps cock to get out.

I have ground my teeth until I am merely mashing gums. When we have the chance – because normally we are stuck in dreadful meetings – all any of us have the time to do is complain about the number of tiresome meetings we have to attend before we are called into another one, the subject of which is usually to do with lack of productivity due to meeting-related activity.

Tedious Boss: We know things are really hard at the minute, what with the current economical climate…

Yes. We do know that. Thanks for reinforcing it though. And it’s ‘economic’ not ‘economical’.

Tedious Boss:
But we’ve just got to get out there and do our best…

As opposed to what? Staying at home, doing nothing and getting fired? Genius.

And so it goes. For half an hour each morning.

This Friday morning, twenty of us endure another daily identical meeting with Tedious Boss. Grant From Work has been up late the previous night, or at least looks it.

The following is 100% true.

Grant From Work yawns. In the middle of the meeting.

Not a little yawn. But a Bagpuss yawn. The sort of yawn you would imagine Henry the Eighth performing after eating 10 wild boar, drinking a gallon of mead and fucking fifteen wenches. It was a big old yawn right there is my point.

Flies stop in mid-air. All is silent.

A minute passes. Grant From Work does not appear concerned. All eyes are on him.

Tedious Boss: Oh. I’m sorry Grant From Work. Am I boring you?

Another minute passes. Literally. Grant From Work gazes expressionless at Tedious Boss. Some more time passes. Nineteen people are clenching everything they have.

Grant From Work: [Deadpan] Yes.

Another minute.

Tedious Boss: Well. Ok. Do you have any suggestions as to how we generate new revenue in this economical –

Grant From Work: Actually, I’ve got a client I need to call and a deadline so –

Grant From Work leaves the meeting room. Eighteen other people make grumbling noises and follow him.

I instantly forgive him the fact that he looks like a boogly-eyed daddy-long-legs when he dances and repels every woman I do not accidently assualt.

Tedious Boss is left alone with a flip-chart.

It actually happened.


Blogger Sewmouse said...

Huge round of applause for Grant From Work.

5:52 pm  
Blogger Shane said...

It's not textbook, but it's good - an approach that will test the bouncebackability of Tedious Boss.

6:46 pm  
Blogger The Preacherman said...

If I was gay I would love him. As I'm not I merely like him.

7:55 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

Part of me cringes for her. But most of me performs unseemly high-fives to Grant From Work.

8:40 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Sew: It was months ago and I still want to buy him drinks forever.

Shane: Sadly she's totally oblivious.

Preach / Dinners: Some weeks later he tipped up for work of a Monday still visibly pissed from the previous evening and halfway through the morning informed me that he was going to the gents for a nap and could I call him on his mobile in 45 mins if he wasn't back.

Still just 'like' him?

Ellie: You mustn't feel bad for her. Each morning is like Groundhog Day at the moment.

10:24 pm  
Anonymous jonathan said...

Ah what I would have done for a Grant from work at my work today. I have meetings that sound a little like yours- they are only once every two weeks, but they last two and a half hours each time. As the only paid employee of my organisation present (everyone else is volunteers) my role is ostensibly to lend a veneer of professional sheen to the proceedings by trying to get the agenda stuck to or at least paid passing lip service. Usually of course I entirely fail in this task and long before lunchtime have given in to alternately daydreaming, throwing my arms in the air in frustration, and wondering how viable it would be to retrain as a postman.

Not that I've got anything against volunteers you understand- just that the ones I'm saddled with happen to be an absolute pain in the arse.

(sorry about this long comment but this is the sort of thing I would never dare post on my own blog, it was either your comment box or I was going to have to resort to ranting at strangers at the bus-stop. I'm sure you understand..)

7:44 pm  
Anonymous cappy said...

i had my "grant" moment last night. two lads off the produce department wanted to find the PLU for loose red potatos. naturally they came to me. after much searching, i told them to go find the fresh manager and ask him for a PLU list. (every store SHOULD have at least one)
ten minutes later he comes up to me, with the two lads behind him looking sheepish, and says "cappy, get on the system and find the plu for these"....
to which he got the reply...
"of course, stupid old me, i never fucking thought of'd think after 21 years in the job, that'd be the first thing i'd do instead of sitting here going fucking wibble, you docile fuckwit. who do you think sent those two to YOU?"
amazingly.....he turned, walked away, and said nowt until the end of the shift where he apologised to ME! result.

nice to have you back.

11:41 am  
Blogger Carnalis said...

he probably can't help looking like a boogly-eyed daddy-long-legs, but clearly that it is not holding him back.

Goodonya Grant at work

5:05 pm  
Blogger The Preacherman said...

I'm in love.....

5:39 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

J/Crinkly: Sort of what this thing is here for - fill your boots.

Cap: Welcome back yourself.

C: He's a very dry man and I like that. Although he's stolen one of my clients so I shall have to kill him. Confusing.

Preach/Dinners: Thought so.

8:23 pm  
Blogger Plummy Mummy said...

I don't believe he had client. Probably just wanted to get out to the loo for a slash and sleep.

7:46 pm  

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