Call Me 'J'.
Your dreadful dreadful swagger, your awful winks and ticks and perplexing hand gestures, all of which I am sure you consider to be ‘street’.
Your appalling insistence upon speaking in Ebonics. When you felt like it. Except when you didn’t remember to. Those times when you remembered that you went to a perfectly adequate school funded by the flawed but essentially good British educational system and not from some hell-hole in South Central L.A.
And that you are not ‘Straight Outta Compton’ but actually ‘Not Too Far From Your Mum’s House In Gateshead’.
Your hair. Oh dear God man your hair. Did you pay money for that? Did you?
If it were meant to do that it would have done so already.
But it’s when you talked. That was the icing on the cake. A cake made of your own shit.
Dear readers. The following exchanges are 100% factual.
Jason: Lunch eh? No I’m not going anywhere. [No-one had asked him] Need to check my shares. [He is 22. Stares at his PC screen in a lofty manner. EVERYONE leaves the building.]
Jason: Did I mention I have a controlling share in Newcastle United?
Odd. No. You didn’t.
Another day. I am walking to the tube with Curvy Girl. She glances behind me.
CG: He’s coming.
CG: ‘Call Me ‘J’’
Me: [I dare not look] Fuck off.
CG: He is.
Me: [I can’t look for fear of meeting his eye and then acknowledging his existence] Walk quicker. I’m not getting on the tube with him.
CG: I can’t. Not in these shoes.
Me: You’ve bought shoes you can’t walk quickly in?
CG: [As if such a thing were rational and it is me who is insane] Yes.
He is gaining on us.
Me: I’ll give you a backy if it will get us on a train before he catches up.
CG: [Glances at my overall build] I don’t think that will happen.
Me: Fuck. FUCK.
Jason: [He’s caught up] Dudes.
Me: Right. Hello Jason.
Jason: Call me ‘J’.
Jason: [Oblivious] Off home yeah? Sweet. Aight. Bin looking at my property portfolio myself.
Have you? From your mothers box room? Must be tough maintaining your empire and your board.
Jason: Yeah right- [Despite the fact that neither of us have acknowledged his presence] thinking of adding some offshore stuff. Maybe Greece. [Can’t get more off-shore than that. What with it being a different country you TWAT] Got some interest in some clubs there.
You’re getting confused dear Jason. You WENT to some clubs there that you FOUND interesting. Probably with your Mum.
Easy mistake to make for someone with a silly haircut, no sensible bearing on the real world and no obvious friends
Jason: It’s all good Tired.
Jason: Sweet, man.
Me: I really don’t know. You came over here.
Jason: So you probably heard about it all then?
Jason: Well. You’re a family man so you’ll get it. Why I ran him over and that. Because I couldn’t see my kid. Only just got out of jail, so this is my last chance really. You’d have done the same if it were your kid.
Jason: My own son doesn’t know what I LOOK LIKE. But I don’t go on about it like some. Just get on you know. Tried to get custody. Her new fella wouldn’t have it, I ran him over, went inside. Do what ya gotta do innit?
Me: Right. Jason-
Jason: Call me ‘J’
Me: No. So, you were on the doorstep, trying to arrange access to your child – assuming any of this is true – were unsuccessful in your doorstep negotiation and then coaxed your ex’s new bloke into standing still in the middle of the road whilst you carefully manoeuvered your CAR – I notice you get the bus into work – OVER him?
Jason: You wouldn’t think it to look at me.
Me: No. I wouldn’t.
Surprisingly, according to his C.V. his previous employ had been at a call centre for T-Mobile and not at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. Puzzling.
Jason: My brother was in Iraq [He didn’t have a brother] and one of his mates was hit by a car-bomb. Terrible. He had to identify both halves of him.
Jason: Yeah man. He had to identify both.
Me: Ok. So the head and torso – with the absence of hips or legs – alone on a slab were not enough to prove that you ‘brother’s’ ‘friend’ was dead? That he might have been faking it? He had to identify the severed legs and whatnot to prove that the man wasn’t just taking the piss and fancied a sicky?
Jason: You’ve not been in combat-
Me: Like you.
Jason: You have to identify each body part. So they know where to put everything.
Me: So your brother easily identified his mates LEGS? Separately from the rest of his body? He was given a big pile of LEGS to choose from and said ‘That’s him!’
Jason: [With impressive bravado] YES.
Jason: I could be a serial killer. If you’re going down for one murder, might as well take as many with you as you can. They can only give you ONE life sentence. And I’ve studied this. I don’t even fit the profile. They’d never catch me.
To my knowledge they never have.