Thursday, November 05, 2009

"Some Bloke's Just Shown Me His Cock!"

I put my drink down at gaze at Newly-Gay Friend for a moment or two whilst I process this information.

As my pretend name for him suggests, he has recently been a man of some surprises.

He announced his new lifestyle decisions to me some months ago whilst we were enjoying Uncannily Similar’s stag weekend. After an evening that involved – in no particular order – lap-dancers, cocaine, prostitutes and foolishly heavy drinking – it was an additional new experience that pretty much ended my patience with the whole night. After a man-hug that went on longer than strictly necessary I put him to bed and then had to deal with the police who raided the apartment the eight of us had rented for the weekend. (One of us tried to break in. Someone reported it.)

But that’s another story. And is not as interesting as it sounds.

I look around me. We and three other friends are in a cosy public house in the Lake District - the former stamping ground of the Romantic poets which is now mainly occupied by middle-aged people clad in Berghaus and sporting unkempt beards.

It does not strike me as a hot-bed of cock-waving.

Me: You fucking what?

To be honest, after nearly four years of knowing this man the whole ‘gay’ thing is a bit of a thinker after zero indication whatsoever. Presumably his wife of sixteen years and ten-your-old son are also scratching their heads.

NGF: Seriously. Some bloke just got his cock out right in front of me!

I don’t really understand ‘how you roll’ when you become ‘gay’. Maybe this alleged incident happens to you all the time once you go down that road. But I think it unlikely.

I glance around me. Absolutely no-one has their cock out, but there is a stunning view over Lake Bowness.

Me: Where exactly did this happen?

NGF: In the Gents.

Me: Oh for fu-

Glancing over the lake I notice a boat named The Silly Sausage glide by. True.

Me: Right. You’ve been in public lavatories before you were all gay and that? You must be familiar with the phenomenon of men taking ‘themselves’ out of their trousers before now? You can’t have just noticed?

NGF friend starts singing very loudly. Once again I take him to our accommodation and put him to bed. Since his recent decisions he has become a full-blown alcoholic, but for a drinker he is shit at it.

Me: [we are sharing a twin room] I’m not going to have a problem with you tonight am I?

NGF: [amid much drunken burbling] Fuck off. I’d never fancy you.

I get back in my taxi and rejoin the rest of my friends. But find myself irrationally irritated.

“He could fucking do worse” I think to myself.

8 Comments:

Blogger Four Dinners said...

He could? Poor sod!....;-)

The Silly Sausage? oh dear. Well you will go to the Lakes old bean....

10:42 pm  
Anonymous carlos said...

and whats wrong with the lakes? That was a great story can.t wait to hear about the stag do! :-) thanks for the entertainment as usual!

8:27 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

But could you do better?

2:09 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

FD: Fuck off. I'm quite the catch.

Carlos: Hi. Thanks. You'll be waiting a while though - it really wasn't that interesting and nobody came out of it looking terribly good aside from me and I don't like to boast about how sensible I am.

Ellie: Well. I've been able to pull actual WOMEN in the past which is my preference so I suppose YES.

*SIGH* It's just all very MODERN. I'm going for a drink with him and his new fella next week and really don't want to but have to because he's my friend and I have to support him. Grr. And I still work with his soon-to-be-ex wife. And have to look her in the eye. And have baby-sat their son in the past.

Generally I don't like change. Blonde Colleague came to work in a dress and heels the other day and I almost sent her home it threw me so much. But THIS?

7:52 pm  
Anonymous janeway said...

Well, it could have been a worse challenge to your adaptability. He could have discovered he was transsexual, elected surgery, and gone for a drink with you in dress and heels. Of course, he probably wouldn't have been on the stag weekend...

2:19 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

No,probably not.

3:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

piracy affects porn but it's still winner during the crunch

4:47 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you think credit crunch affected porn?

11:54 am  

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