started innocuously enough, as I imagine receiving an
unwelcome and unwanted bumming attempt usually does.
Heading home after work I notice Ex-High School Friend about to get in a car,
armed with takeaway food.
seen each other a couple of times in the last twenty years.
Me: How are
things you twat?
Awful! My wife’s leaving me, I can’t remember the last time I saw my daughter
and I’m back living with my parents!
[Laughing with genuine delight at his misfortune] Brilliant!
Me: Oh you
know. Other-half left me, took-up with an unworthy and lesser man then moved
hundreds of miles away taking my son and daughter with her. I wasn’t invited.
Oh and I've just had an MRI that showed I’ve got brain
damage. You know how everyone used to say I was ‘fucked in the head’? Turns out
they were right! We should have a drink sometime.
hands and exchange mobile numbers and I go home. Ten minutes later I receive a
He arrives a short time later armed with beer and vodka. We drink and talk and may as well
still be in high school. He’s that sort of friend – the type you don’t see for
years and it’s as if no time has passed when you do.
We call it
a night at about three in the morning and he goes home.
know he hasn’t attempted to bum me at this point – this is just some
back-story. Don’t worry – it’s on the way.)
A couple of
days later - as his parents are away for the weekend - he invites me round to their house for some drinks. I accept, on the reasonable basis that I do not expect to be bummed at any stage.
We drink far too much for far too long. At some point we begin
wrestling. Which is very odd. It’s not the sort of thing I tend to do of an
evening. And at some point he is on top of me, I’m flat on my back on the
floor, he’s much bigger and heavier than I and he is attempting to unbuckle my
belt and unzip my fly.
point I should add that he may not have been trying to bum me. He may have just
wanted to wank me off. Either way, if anyone is to spontaneously tug me off I prefer that person to be a woman. And I'd rather my bum-hole remained intact no matter what the situation.
With this in mind, I manage to
get my feet under him and kick him to the other side of the room. Taking no
chances I then put him in a head-lock, the inside of my elbow blocking his
wind-pipe and carotid artery. Understandably, he struggles against this and
three days afterward I still have the cuts and bruises incurred whilst he
fought against impending unconsciousness.
It was llike
that scene in Unbreakable where Bruce Willis confronts the kidnapper using the
same method and is slammed around leaving dents in the walls and holes in
the plaster-board. By which I mean an ashtray was kicked over. It was carnage.
Eventually he passes-out and I sit on the floor panting. After a little while the
blood and oxygen flow to his brain returns and he awakes.
[Experiencing the sobriety that comes with a sudden burst of adrenalin] Hi. So.
Have you ever had any gay feelings before now?
going for a wee.
By the time
I return from the toilet he is unconscious again. I calmly finish my drink and
put his half-full cigarette packet in my pocket.
least he owed me.