The Nursery Incident

We take Favourite Daughter to nursery for the first time.

We’ve not been in the town long. Tired Mam does not know it at all. I barely knew it half my lifetime ago.

We take what we believe, on the advice of the few people we know, to be the best option.

The woman who runs it is enormous. In a 'you’re going to need a bigger boat' way.

I’ve no problem with the larger lady. Quite like it, in fact (away from the point. And TM would now stress she is not among their number). But, you know. The sort of ‘I get hungry. I like food. It tastes nice. I’ll eat it if I want to. Why should I not? Life is ace. I’ll do other things I want to as well. Because I can. And do you know what? When I’m dead, I’ll be just as dead as you when you’re dead’. Those sort. They’re always happy, and you just want to be around them.

Better that than some normal-sized woman who doesn’t shut the fuck up about their weight.

Anyway. She wasn’t one of the happy ones. And she stunk. Whatever.

Probably glandular.

FD’s first day. The first time in her life she has been without us for any length of time.

We deposit her, kiss her goodbye, and wait in a separate room for nervous parents and drink coffee in case anything goes immediately wrong. As if it would.

After a few minutes we hear hysterical screams. Of several children. It sounds like blind panic. We shift in our chairs. We ourselves do not panic. This must be normal.

The door busts open. Free Willy has FD under her arm.

‘It’s no good,’ she says. ‘She’ll have to go. We are not equiped to cope with this.’

I look at FD’s face. She is not upset, even though there are tears running down her face. She is FUCKING furious about something.

‘Erm. What happened?’

‘Well. All I said was it wasn’t time for playing with the toys anymore and it was story time now and time to be quiet. She went mad. Started throwing stuff, shouting and that. All the other children were so scared, they all started crying. I had to take her out. I’m sorry, she can’t stay.’ Said Free Willy. We held our noses.

Put a child in a room of fascinating new people. Of interesting new toys. And then tell her to sit quiet whilst you stink them out with your shit story, BO and sense of failure. I’d have kicked-off too.

FD was in a bad temper anyway. Hadn’t had much sleep. Don’t know where she gets it from.

SHE WAS EXPELLED ON HER FIRST DAY!

Tired Mam almost died with embarrassment.

I almost burst with pride.