Monday, June 12, 2006

Terrible Things.

I mean. On the news and that.

But not the whole truth I reckon.

Ooooooooooooooh No.

Just wait until I tell you what I actually think.

I'll really spell-out for you what subtle dis-information you've been fed, you poor cows.

Because you can't actually think for yourselves can you? Oh no.

You take-in every word the papers and ITN News feed you and go 'I am now totally informed. I now know exactly what is happening' and go to bed without question.

You are so foolish.

I shall write a blog about how everything in the media is not entirely gospel. That will open your cow-eyes. About how everything is not as clear as it could be.

That will sort you out, you innocent fools.

I am ace me. I read broadsheet-newspapers.

It's not all as it seems.

Read my blog. About current affairs and the news and that.

You couldn't possibly watch the news and read the papers, and then form your own real opinions could you?


By yourself?

Oh no, let me do it.

Without the internet?

You've actually got your own brain??

Oh no. Listen to me. I will tell you exactly what to think


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who are you on about now?

5:07 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You really are amazingly rubbish, Tired Dad.

5:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He is probably the most cuttingly satirical man in the world.

In his head.

5:51 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tired Dad: A Life

TD: TM, I'm really upset. I'm obviously VERY clever and VERY talented and VERY funny, but I'm not famous and nobody is giving me loads of money just for being me. What can I do?
TM: Jesus wept! For the last time, I'm leaving you, you self-obsessed, bitter little cockpiece. I'm actually leaving the house as I speak! I'm SICK of your petulant whining! GOOD-BYE!
TD: You're right! I am astonishingly handsome and talented, and I've clearly been overlooked because those in positions of power are too stupid to see what they're missing. What a brilliantly talented man like me should do is start a blog. THAT will get me the plaudits I deserve! Oh, what time is dinner love? Love? Oh, she must have gone to the shops.

...some time passes. TD types furiously...

TD: Hmm. TM still isn't back from the shops. Wonder what's keeping her? I need her to make my dinner, what with me being the BIG WORKING MAN round here. No-one else works as hard as me. No-one. Anyway...there! I've written some things. Brilliant things, obviously, because I'm so brilliant. Now everyone will love me! I'd betters start getting some photos autographed ready for my first book deal.

...some more time passes. No-one visits TD's blog...

TD: This is intolerable! No hits, and I still haven't had my dinner! I know! I'll start generally having a go at other folk to get myself noticed and get the ball rolling. Then I'll have a book deal and a tv show in no time, and make people realise how generally untalented everyone is compared to me too. Oh this will be lovely!

...some time passes. TD gets some hits!

TD: Hooray! Got some hits. Still no dinner though. Anyway, now to start writing about how fabulous my life is - like how I'm so hard, I bump into people in the street like Richard Ashcroft DELIBERATELY to start fights to prove how tough I am. Or how I'm so brilliant and well-connected, I can toss away media jobs on a whim and have another one within 20 minutes - all done from the pub! Man, how cool am I, eh?

Oh, but wait! I need to make sure I remain controversial and yet in with the "working man". I know! I'll make a sweeping, groundless generalisation about broadsheet newspaper readers being tossers, and keep on making it over and over again!

...some further time passes. Once the fuss about the random slag-offs subsides, no-one visits anymore because TD is actually making himself look like a hypocritical wanker of the first order...

TD: I don't understand! My posts are so witty and hilarious! I mean, I talked about FUNNY PEOPLE AT WORK, how CO-HABITING MEN AND WOMEN SAY FUNNY THINGS TO EACH OTHER and THINGS NOT BEING THE SAME AS THEY USED TO BE. It's all 100% original pure comedy gold! What could possibly have gone wrong? must be other people. Stupid, lazy other people who are still so stupid as to think other folk might have something more interesting to say than me. I'd better do another round of my stinging, painfully witty criticisms to set everyone on the right path. Won't be long now before everyone starts recognizing me for the literary colossus I am, and thanking me for enriching their lives with my thoughts and musings. And maybe my dinner will show up soon too...

...jump forward 80 years. TD is in a nursing home by the sea...

Tired Offspring: Now Jimmy, we're off to see Grandad today. You will behave won't you?
Jimmy: I'll try...But he scares me.
TO: I know son, I know. OK, Here we are...
TD: Broadsheets!?! Broadsheets make you a poofter! Coke tastes like chicken these days! I worked with someone once with a wonky eye! Yes, a fucking WONKY EYE! Can you imagine that, eh? Eh? Go on then, laugh! LAUGH, DAMN YOU!! I'm the KING of the INTERNET, do you hear? The KING! I am BEST!!! Where's my OBE, you bastards? Don't you realise I made broadcasting and satirical history?
Jimmy: Waah!
TO: *Sigh* Ok nurse, where do I sign that euthanasia order again?
TD (slowly fading away): ...t...tell I...I'm the big man round'' Richard Ashcroft,

...and so, Tired Dad ended his life as he had begun it. Dribbling, shitting himself and generally being an inconvenience to his close relatives. And inbetween he achieved precisely fuckall, because he was too busy trying to make out he was better than others to do anything of note.


7:36 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I just spewed water out of my nose..I could have drowned sitting on my ass in front of the computer..
I wasn't expecting you to be so fucking funny.
I was ill prepared

7:55 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right - I'm offering odds of 4/6 that the anonymous essay writer is none other than....(gasp!)Monsieur ScaryDuck!

2/1 bar.

Any takers?

Bucket the Bookie

11:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tired Dad: pathetic.

10:30 pm  
Anonymous sleepy said...

i confused. are you being slagged off in your blog for slagging off blogs? how very odd!

possibly there's a level of irony in there somewhere that i'm just not getting...

11:59 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He's more getting slagged off for being pathetic, dull, bitter and for trying far too hard to be controversial.

Not to mention creepily obsessive with one or two blogs in particular...

1:13 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Look TD. You write what the fuck you want to write. It's nobody elses business 'cept yours. If they don't like it why the fuck they reading it? 'N they think you've got a problem??

Just do it man n fuck 'em. Your blog done for you. As it should be. If others like it great. If not so what?

Just do it.

12:57 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

RD: To be perfectly frank, I don’t know. I only ever check into this (or whatever the phrase is) when I’m desperate, and as anyone who has experienced long-term insomnia or lengthy sleep-deprivation will attest, the result is not dissimilar to the ingestion of certain narcotics. You feel perfectly normal, yet can remember fuck-all after you next get some kip. For a horrible moment I thought it might have been English Ranter chap, but checked his site and it was all excellent as usual. Nothing in History – it’s set to clear itself every 24 hours so the missus has no idea I’ve been looking at donkey porn. Nominations for can’t-remember-blog-that-annoyed-Tired-Fucking-Dad more than welcome.

But you know the sort of thing I mean. You’re at some social gathering or other, talk gets to Iraq. Some genius takes a drag of his cigarette, leans forward and says in a deep, authoritive voice ‘Of course, you should know, the whole thing is about oil’ and everyone marvels at Sherlock fucking Holmes and his amazing insights. Because we’re all spoon-fed by the media and believe EVERY SINGLE word the papers and telly tell us. Christ.

Nice to see you at Up to the Test: funny comment.

Anon#1: Um, yeah. So was that. Could do better.

Anon#2: Not very good either. Did your boyfriend put you up to it? Do you see what I just did? I suggested you might be a gay! Almost as cutting/amusing as saying someone is such-and-such ‘in their head’! Come on people, surely someone can do better than that?

Anon#3: BINGO! Somebody has just hit the fucking JACKPOT! I salute you, and you are promoted to guest poster.

Cynnie: I also snot myself.

Bucket: That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Next you’ll be suggesting that some of these ‘anon’ comments were written by the same person.

Anon#4: So was that. Take some tips from Anon#3 and go and sit facing the wall with Anon#1.

Sleepy: Well, I didn’t want to say it myself. Nice of you to come round again.

Anon#5: So. What is your point? And don’t mess about with lovely Miss Sleepy or she’ll come around and make a plaster-cast of your head. Then you’ll be sorry. ‘Creepily obsessive’ – not many mirrors in your house then? If you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, and that.

1:53 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Late entry. Mr.Dinners. Straight to the point and no fucking-about as usual. Result. I salute you.

1:56 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Four Dinners: couldn't exactly the same be said of the two blogs Tired Dad relentlessly pursues in his sorry attempts at being controversial/trying to get hits for his own blog by posting comments on those blogs, because he knows they're more popular than his?

Way to state the obvious.

8:15 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Any more?


That was all quite good fun, wasn't it now?

5:53 am  
Anonymous haveyouseenthisgirl said...

wow, you're proper good aren't you

12:20 am  

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