Saturday, January 20, 2007


I am At Work. Some time ago.

I have The Flu.

The phone rings. I look about for a bit. No-one leaps to answer it. Bugger.

Me: Support.

Bonkers Woman: Windows is broken.

Me: [Pause]. How can I help?

BW: I’ve told you. It’s broken.

Me: I’m afraid I’ll need a little more than that. What EXACTLY has happened?

BW: Well it doesn’t work obviously. Why do you think I’m calling? Don’t you know? YOU put it on.

Me: Well, not me perso- [SIGH]. What is it you are trying to do?

BW: I have been writing a letter. I have printed it. And now I just want THIS to go away.

Me: You mean Word. You want to shut it down.

BW: Isn’t that what I just said? You must pay attention young man. How much do I pay you?

Me: Pay me? Nothi-[sigh]. Again. Tell me EXACTLY what is happening.

BW: Well. I go to close it. Click on the thing to close it. A box I don’t want comes up. I don’t want it so I click Cancel and around we go. This has taken half my day. It doesn’t work. This computer. With your Windows thing.

Me: [Long pause. I try and think about nice things. Like me not actually inventing Word and not being held personally responsible for its quirks.] You are trying to close a Word document?

BW: Well obviously. Good God young man, do you know what you’re doing?

Me: Mmmmm. When you click on the cross to close the application, do you then get a small window asking you if you want to save and giving you the options of ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘cancel’?

BW: Obviously. Can I speak to your supervisor?

Me: Mmmmmmmm. One moment. Do you keep clicking ‘cancel’?

BW: Well of course. WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO?

Me: Have you saved it?

MW: Do not take me for an idiot.



MW: Mmmm. It seems to have fixed itself. Goodbye.

The Flu is very pressing, and I make my excuses. I go to the Chemists.

Me: I have The Flu. I require your best medicine.

Fat Chemist Woman: You don’t have the flu.

Me: [Taken aback] I bloody do.

FCW: Do you have a fever?

Me: Well. I’m quite hot.

FCW: You’ve got a jumper on. No wonder.

Me: Look. I’m not well. And I’ve not had much sleep. I just want to get through the day. I need some medicine. What have you got for The Flu?

FCW: Paracetemol.

Me: Is that a joke?

FW: The joke is your pretend illness. You are just like my husband. You’re about as ill as I am.

Me: Look…

FCW: Do you want the pills or not?

I go back to my office.

With my pills.

She was fired a month later.



Anonymous drunk punk said...

What did she pinch? Did she sell you any? Do they make you high? Can I have some if they do?....sorry...forgot I'm not 18 any more.

The 'Windows Lady' makes me sound like a geek. Aren't you allowed to say "Fuck off you silly cow I'm ill"? I do. Well, words to that effect on occasion. My employer doesn't seem pleased when I do. Still, being a shop steward needs some perks!

7:41 pm  
Blogger mad muthas said...

that sounds like a thoroughly nasty horrid day. would you like mutha to write you a note to get you off on monday?

7:46 pm  
Blogger Windypops said...

I do support! It's what I do.

It's my oft-stated opinion that the company I work and provide support for should relocate to Columbia, where you can hire a hitman for ten quid. Apparently.

11:46 pm  
Anonymous summerofb said...

blimey. people just take a liking to you immediately dont they?

9:40 am  
Blogger me said...

how do these really really stupid people get jobs? it amazes me. who employs them? shouldn't there be a law against this sort of inadequecy???!!!!
clearly, i am having as nearly as frustrating day as you did... sorry. no wonder you are tired

1:56 pm  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Giving support sucks. One time in my IT department, a real ditz said her screen was too light. So we told her it was a real problem and she was doing something wrong with her usage. We told her she needed toner, it was really expensive. As I am sure you know, we only needed to adjust her screen setting. I still smile when I think of it.

5:40 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

Do you suppose the chemist and the caller were one and the same?

8:00 pm  
Anonymous Razzamatazz said...

You should have said to the chemist's fat woman "Can you give me something to make me fat because I want to be a twat as well?"

8:23 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

DP: No-one specified. Judging from her attitude, she wouldn't be selling anyway. 'You have no need to get high right now' etc.

MM: No need. I've long since sorted that one out on a permanent basis. I'm not 'on the sick' mind.

Windy: My sympathies. Although I agree. The fact that our county frowns upon executions does seem churlish at times.

Summer person: Usually. Sarcy.

me: Without employees of this calibre, industry would become hyper-efficient, leading to a two tier class system in which the elite own flying cars and live in cloud cities, and the rest perform acts of self-flaggelation for pennies on national television.

PO: Respect.

Clarissa: Shit. I hadn't thought of that. The chemist group was a client as well. Shit!

Razz: Yeah. Well. We can all be clever after the fact. Welcome back, by the way.

2:28 pm  

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