Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Girls Are Scary

I head into my Local Shop, side-stepping the youths who darkly demand cigarettes and/or the purchase of Smirnoff Ice.

Having recently experienced an unpleasant episode involving a football, I now just want to purchase some cigarettes and return to the safety of my home.

Heading toward the counter, my heart sinks as I see an Elderly Person engaged in the purchase of every single lottery ticket available in the country. Perhaps the machine will run out of paper.

Also present are a group of schoolgirls, milling around being girly. I glance at them.

Shit. They are THAT age. Not women by any stretch of the imagination. Technically still girls, but girls who have realised they have some strange influence on adult men. That they can make them go red. And perspire. I’m not sure if they even now how or why.

I start to worry. Although by no means a matinee idol, I am not ugly. I am their ideal target. Thirties, not hideous. Christ.

It’s O.K. I think to myself. Just do not look at them.

I can already hear them whispering. Already. I know it’s about me. I start to feel quite warm.

God. They must be thirteen if that. Just don’t look at them. It’ll be O.K. It’ll be fine. Fuck me this hag is taking an aeon with her lottery tickets.

They start to giggle. The whispering continues. ‘He fancies you.’

Christ, I think. Just don’t look. Everything normal here.

My eyes do a spastic thing and, without warning, point themselves directly at the TITS of one of these barely pubescent girls.

Shit. SHIT.

They explode in a combination of laughter and whispers.

Fuck. FUCK.

I am now VERY hot. I really would like to be elsewhere, but would also quite like some cigarettes. Fuck me Miss Havisham is taking fucking forever with her cunting lottery tickets.

The laughter and whispering intensifies. Kinell, I think. I should tell them I’ve got a daughter. That’ll help.

Whilst thinking about my tormentors, my eyes unconsciously swivel toward them. And point directly at the ARSE of one of their number.

I’m dead in the water and all concerned know it. They have beaten me. Actually quite LOUD laughter and pointing of fingers ensues.

'He's got a hard-on!'

I have not.

Elderly Person completes her additional purchase of an entire roll of scratch cards and departs. I step to the counter.

Shop Assistant woman looks at me with distaste.

I decide that this will not do. I shall explain to her that this is just what girls of that age DO. That they have tricked and humiliated me because they have just discovered they CAN. Without fully realising why. Yes. I will do that.

Me: Um. Twenty Regal Filter please.

Shop Assistant: Uh-huh.

I make my purchase and head toward the door. My palms are wet. I stand in front of the glass door for a moment or two.

Nothing happens. I step back. Nothing happens.

Oh you twat. It was NEVER an automatic door.

More girlish laughter.

It is getting dark now. I head toward the door to open it manually but notice someone on the other side heading toward it at the same time. Being a gentleman I wait for this person to come in first.

And then realise that said person is merely my reflection in the glass that has, in the dark, become a mirror.

Considerably more girlish laughter.

I RUN home.


Blogger polaroidprincess said...

oh pooor you tired dad!!! What cows!! we wern't all like this. Take some refuge in the fact they probably did fancy you abit, and will talk about you for weeks. But obviously, as girls that age do, they'll make you sound alot cooler to their friends. And imagine, if they thought you had a hard on when you didnt...Tired mum must be a very lucky woman ;)

11:18 pm  
Blogger Lee said...

Stupid, stupid little girlies with little boobies and little arses.

11:29 pm  
Blogger Timbo said...

Crap that's funny.

But look on the bright side: at least they didn't beat you up too.

12:32 am  
Blogger Fussy Bitch said...

Girls are evil but without them I woudn't be mirthed up to the eyeballs at this time of a thursday.

I spose you could always quit smoking...

2:30 pm  
Blogger Mr Farty said...

Thank fuck it's not just me.

3:51 pm  
Blogger mr_glide said...

That was fucking funny. Though probably not at the time. It's happened to all of us, even those currently at the arse-end of our twenties.

4:44 pm  
Anonymous basil said...

are you SH by any chance?

5:30 pm  
Blogger Gordon said...

Ohhh yes, this sounds vaguely familiar. Little buggers.

Ohh and lee, dunno where you come from but the girls round my way certainly aren't "little" in any department. It should be illegal that (ohhh, I know THAT is illegal, I meant that THEY should be illegal to look like... you know what. never mind)

6:14 pm  
Blogger me said...

i'll go pour you a stiff drink...i never know that we women could be so evil.

I would suggest you become agrophobic, except it would deprive us of a delicious source of amusement.

6:21 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

I'm not sure you should be allowed out alone

6:53 pm  
Blogger Dave Shelton said...

Ooh, I've done the reflection thing too. Despite the fact that I was beside a large, clear mirror in a well-lit room I still managed to apologise twice to the ill-coordinated idiot next to me who just WOULDN'T GET OUT OF MY WAY before realising what the problem was.

12:31 pm  
Blogger Pickled Olives said...

Shit, if they could do that to you, imagine the hell they put boys their own age through.

4:19 pm  
Blogger Quick said...

What Mr Farty said.

And as funny as it really is, isn't it funny how serious it feels at the time?

9:51 pm  
Blogger Mr. X said...

Good job they didn't get the mobiles out and 'happy slap' you. Teenagers shouldn't be allowed out in public...
Been there, seem that, got embarrassed as well!

Congrats on being 'Post of the Week' as well.

7:15 pm  
Blogger Lee said...

gordon - i'm from america but i'm asian.

2:29 am  
Anonymous Pie said...

Nope, never happened to me. I don't know whether I'm happy or angry about that...

9:38 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

PP: She is. But not for the reasons you would think.

Lee: But they're still scary.

Timbo: I would have rather had the beating.

FB: This sort of stuff is the reason I DO smoke.

Farty: You're not alone.

M_G: There is no escape for ANY adult.

basil: No. What?

Gordon: First rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.

me: I know. Tough one.

Dinners: You're quite right.

Mr. Shelton: Welcome.

PO: They ignore boys their own age in favour of 17-year-olds who have CARS.

Quick: Too serious.

Mr.X: Thank you. I didn't know.

Lee: This isn't a forum you know.

Pie: Be happy. Trust me.

8:48 pm  
Anonymous basil said...

it was a long shot but you sound just like a mate i knew from wigan about 10 years ago!!!!

1:39 pm  
Blogger jali said...

I always used my powers for the good.

3:34 pm  

I have nothing to say other than "!!!!!"

10:11 pm  
Blogger Shell said...

What a brilliant, brilliant read! As always, i hasten to add. Son has been visiting and i showed him your blog ... a day later he was still howling with laughter and quoting you!

6:22 pm  
Blogger Ms Baroque said...

Awww, my daughter's 13 and she and her friends aren't like that! I think you were right when you said they don't know how they even do it. Poor lambs. They're just learning.

I've seen guys ogle my girls in the street and it makes my skin creep, I could easily go up anmd smack them, hard. But the girls are just little girls, they're oblivious. All they're thinking about is Top Shop.

Having said that if I thought my girl and her friends (who do all look 16, btw, it is very scary!) were up to anything like what you describe I would whip them in the door sharpish.

7:15 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Basil: No. It's not me I'm afraid.

Jali: Good.

NWM: I love an exclamation mark me.

Shell: Excellent. Thank you very much indeed.

MB: You almost certainly right. And you should.

5:47 pm  
Blogger Peach said...

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeze I was EXACTLY like that, but you're exactly right, I never knew what effect or why and misused and abused it frequently - Ahhhh, on behalf of all 13 years olds, sorry Tired Dad. You'll get your revenge when at 18 all I could do was fancy "older" men and get rejected cause I was too young (be nice won't you now...?)

XXX (friendly warm kisses nothing sexy)

3:15 pm  
Blogger Peach said...

ps totally loved your shaggy book entry - have linked to you on my wee site

3:24 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Thanks for that.

8:33 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

And welcome.

8:34 pm  
Anonymous rivergirlie said...

ouch - when it starts going wrong like that, it just keeps on going, dunnit?

1:02 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Oh yes. And hello.

7:07 pm  
Blogger Echomouse said...

That was so funny! I'm really sorry about it all...but honestly, I had no idea this sort of thing went on. lol Sort of explains a few things for me.

I'm sorry on behalf of all young girls everywhere. Although I'm quite old now. I still feel responsible.

That reflection in the glass and automatic door thing...lolol....I do that ALL the time. Try using your auto key unlocking thingy for your vehicle to open doors too..that's another fun one :)

To better days ahead!

8:29 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Welcome and thank you.

5:24 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, i am late to this party, but what the hell.

Just ogle them REAL GOOD, give them the eye like you mean it, which i am sure you do. Usually they go REAL QUIET, real fast! Always good for a laugh

11:04 pm  
Anonymous looby said...

Friendly warm kisses nothing sexy? Do they exist? :)

3:36 pm  
Anonymous charlotte said...

Sure dude, you just happened to focus on their boobs and bottoms?! That and the fact you WERE so nervous, says something about your subconcious, dont you think?! Pfft!

8:04 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

anon: I will NEVER try that. I do not want to be put on some sort of list.

looby: I fucking hope not.

charlotte: You just gave me a bit of a turn. 'Dude' indeed.

3:06 pm  
Anonymous Coralee said...

You have just made a very very tired and essentially quite snappy person laugh out loud...thank you!

8:04 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

My pleasure.

5:09 pm  

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