Work.
It is morning. I am at a desk. Colleague Who Ressembles a Hobgoblin But Is Very Pleasant arrives, looking a bit flustered.
CWRAHBIVP: Morning Tired.
Me: Yeah.
CWRAHBIVP: Do anything nice last night?
Me: No.
CWRAHBIVP: By, I was in a rush this morning like. Nearly didn't have time to straighten my hair.
Silence.
After a moment or two his head sinks and he stares with desolation at his desk-tidy. He knows what he has just done.
More silence.
Me: [Quitely] You're a good man and I like you. I am going to just pretend this didn't happen.
He nods moresely.
Me: But if I ever hear that sort of fuckery again you and I are going to have a little chat, like men, in the carpark. Are we understood?
He nods silently. His eyes are glistening.
Colleague Who Is Also Very Nice Despite Being American But She Has Apologised So That Is O.K. has overheard the exchange, and comes over.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: I just want to say, I think you're totally right Tired. [She is very good like this]. You guys round here do too much grooming and it just isn't right.
I nod sagely at this validation of my extreme wisdom.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: I mean, look at you Tired, right?
I do look good, I think to myself. She's right. I do like her.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: You're like so obviously not someone who spends a lot of time on their appearance.
Silence.
Me: Fuck off.
It is seven minutes past nine.
CWRAHBIVP: Morning Tired.
Me: Yeah.
CWRAHBIVP: Do anything nice last night?
Me: No.
CWRAHBIVP: By, I was in a rush this morning like. Nearly didn't have time to straighten my hair.
Silence.
After a moment or two his head sinks and he stares with desolation at his desk-tidy. He knows what he has just done.
More silence.
Me: [Quitely] You're a good man and I like you. I am going to just pretend this didn't happen.
He nods moresely.
Me: But if I ever hear that sort of fuckery again you and I are going to have a little chat, like men, in the carpark. Are we understood?
He nods silently. His eyes are glistening.
Colleague Who Is Also Very Nice Despite Being American But She Has Apologised So That Is O.K. has overheard the exchange, and comes over.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: I just want to say, I think you're totally right Tired. [She is very good like this]. You guys round here do too much grooming and it just isn't right.
I nod sagely at this validation of my extreme wisdom.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: I mean, look at you Tired, right?
I do look good, I think to myself. She's right. I do like her.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK: You're like so obviously not someone who spends a lot of time on their appearance.
Silence.
Me: Fuck off.
It is seven minutes past nine.
posted by Tired Dad at
9:18 pm
29 Comments:
Ace.
scruffy git.
I'm no longer alone. Fuckin magic.
hehehehe
oh dear - the yawning gap between what we think we look like and what everyone else thinks is deep, dark and scary (and getting wider all the time)
There is nothing quite like a good insult in the early morning. Sets you up for the day.
Always a good way to start the day, being told you're a scruffy cunt. Nice one.
Ouch.
CWIAVNDBABSHASTIOK = new swear word to be used on people who dis' your appearance.
Not bad for an American. Ok, fucking brilliant.
International diplomacy. Diffusing a potential entanglement in the carpark.
Katy: Hello you. And thanks.
Dinners: I'm not scruffy. I think.
Pup: Hello. Hows it going.
me: It's best to get it out of the way early.
*: Welcome back my good man.
Hannah: Welcome.
Will: 'Dis'? Do tell me you are being ironic.
Farty: I don't think it was on purpose.
Clarissa: They truly are the world police.
UPDATE.
She has explained that it was meant to be a compliment. She says I am very well turned-out, but possess a certain 'rough-and-ready' quality that she associates with masculinity far more than a man that is accustomed to the words 'tanning', 'grooming', 'moisturising' and 'product'.
So that is o.k. I think.
Rough and ready, eh? Hmmm.
Do try and control yourself. I am more a very skinny Robert Downey Jr (at his lowest ebb) than the Marlboro Man.
Being called a scruffy cunt is better then bad office small talk anyday. And Robert Downey jr was hot in Mcbeale!! Wear the rough and ready proud!
ohh..
she pulled the "rough and ready" explanation on you ..
yeaaah..
Thaaats what she meant.
( you british guys..g u l l i b l e)
Thinkpink: Thanks.
C: Why?
Nothing better than helpful people early in the morning.
No worries. For me this was indisputably the post of the week.
This is so funny I'm going to come back again later and read it again. And I've just laughed my way through it twice already. You do good deadpan.
I like her! Good Schtick!
Say, does your office mate look like this? I think they've all straightened their hair.
Oh My God! Re: UPDATE, did she approach you at a later date to qualify her comment? You must have looked seriously put out at her suggestion that you do not exfoliate...
I had to comment by the way, I have been lurking for ages like a pervy stalker (in fact I was hiding behind your christmas tree and saw something quite disturbing some months ago) I thought it was time I actually said something. so "you're very funny, thank you for making me laugh until I cry". There.
P.O.: I used to employ someone some years ago, and made it very clear to her that in no circumstances should we talk to each other before 10.00am. I still feel this to be a sensible policy.
Katy: You may make me do a blush.
quick: It wasn't quite as good the second time was it?
dd: I like her too.
Lee: Fuck me. Do you have hidden cameras at my place of employ? That is most of the men I work with.
FF: You too are rather amusing and thanks. You stopped lurking some time ago as it happened. This is not your first comment, but welcome.
rough and ready is our feeble american way of saying you need to wax your ear hairs
Ah shit - true! I thought I had just said the "first" comment in my head...it's the meds...
Worry not.
I am a ninja. I do not need hidden cameras. I have almost superhuman powers of deduction.
Now you're scarying me.
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