Wednesday, May 16, 2007


I am at work. It is morning. As I take my chosen employ very seriously, I am checking my email accounts. All of them.

First personal email account. Nothing. Hmm.

Second personal email account that I had created specifically for recieving junk whenever I need to supply an address to a site that requires one in return of information I need. Hmmm. Several women who are apparently very eager to perform fellatio upon me. Astounding. Otherwise nothing.

Third personal email account that I often forget exists. Nothing.

Email account connected to Shite Blog I sometimes write. Nothing.

Email account of university I sometimes attend. Nothing. I’ve forgotten my password.

This is desperate. As a last resort I check my Actual Work Email Account.

There is a message!

Sadly from a Public Relations Buffoon that I am required to deal with in the short term. It contains phrases such as ‘event critical’ and ‘time sensitive’ and mentions some concern regarding ‘corporate sponsors’.

I read it twice. And then come to the conclusion that if this message were at all important the writer would have employed plain English. I resolve to ignore it until something along the lines of ‘I need such and such and can you do this specific thing. Fucking now’ arrives. Which I shall probably also ignore.

Frankly, I would have preferred nothing.

Spent, I cast about me. At this rate I may have to do some Actual Work.

I begin ‘generating’ some ‘revenue reports’. This is a real thing, and can be very easily mistaken for Actual Work, and is genuinely quite complicated and time consuming.

Whilst I am engrossed in this, Thug Colleague wanders by.

(Do not mistake me. He is perfectly pleasant. He has the vocabulary of Favourite Son [two years old], the appearance of any character you choose from Viz and is self-appointed Class Clown. Now. Every class needs one. But no-one particularly wants to be fucking friends with the Class Clown.)

Thug Colleague: By I’m busy like Tired.

Me: Mmm. As am I, you loud-mouthed imbecile.

TG: Aye. Good one like. How. Have ah eva telt ye aboot my mate Monkeyface?

This is a tough one. Had Thug ever mentioned his acquaintance Monkeyface, I would surely have remembered. It is one of those names. So, if I lie and tell him I am fully appraised of the activities of Monkeyface, I shall be left alone. But will unfortunately have to then Do Some Work.

If I tell the truth, I will be excused from Actual Work, but will have to suffer the presence of a man who assumes that being referred to as a ‘loud-mouthed-imbecile’ is actually O.K.

Me: Do you know what? I’ve been tortured by this. I honestly don’t believe I have.

TC: Aye. Reet. Do you knaw why we call him Monkeyface?

Me: Does he have a face like a monkey?

TC: Naw.

Me: Of course not. That would be too easy. Do tell.

TC: Reet. Well. We were at university together reet?

Me: You went to university?

TC: Aye. Why?

Me: No reason. Amazing.

TC: Aye Reet. So he’s in his room in halls reet, and there’s this lass geing him a noshy. Ya knaw? A noshy?

Me: I think I get the picture. As memory serves.

TC: Aye. Piping him off an’ that.

Me: I am now definitely on the same page as you.

TC: Reet. Thing was, he’d trimmed his pyubs beforehand like.

Me: The age of chivalry is not dead it seems. I’m sure no self-respecting young lady enjoys the sensation of going down on what is essentially a camel-hair sweater with a bit of gristle in the middle. What a gent.

TC: Eh? Anyways. He gets there and then pulls it oot and whacks-off all ower her face.


I am unsure as to how to respond. In mitigation, I am sure that such things have happened to the best of us. Although thinking back, I do not recall ever having specifically taken aim.

Me: O.K. then. As I say, I really am quite busy.

TC: Aye. Reet. And then, reet, he grabs this pile of pyubs that are still on his bedside table and he hoys then straight into her face. And all the hair sticks cos of all the spunk like and he gans ‘Monkeyfaaace’, ‘Monkeyfaaaaace’.

Silence. For some time.

Me: O.K. then.

I look at my computing machine. It appears my revenue report is complete.


Blogger me said...

I am a little bit speechless. On so many levels. I might have to come back later to make sure it was not just an illusi.......................

10:03 pm  
Blogger fwengebola said...

Splendid. While I'm not getting oral sex at the moment, it's nice to know that the men who are like to glue their pubic trimmings onto the faces of ladies covered in their issue. Albeit several years ago.
The world is a cruel, cruel place.

10:34 pm  
Blogger tea and cake said...

eeyuck! fancy leaving the pubes on the bedside table!?

10:53 pm  
Blogger Rachel said...

Quite a story teller, that guy. And you were doubting his intellect.

4:27 am  
Blogger Grax said...

Ah I remember that terminology well. I was told about Monkeyface a few years ago by a friend, who has a friend that did that. This friend of a friend was called 'Monkey Stu', partly for that reason.

He did a lot of sexually odd things, that Monkey Stu.

9:06 am  
Anonymous Dickie "Touch" Tingles said...

Monkeyface is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever read, for which thank you so much, Dad.

That'll learn 'er for being a whore.

I came here from somewhere or other and I have enjoyed exploring your archives. Please keep writing.

9:36 am  
Blogger Misssy M said...

My pet name for one of my cats is monkeyface. Not now it ain't.

I feel slightly weird. He's flipping Oscar Wilde, that one, isn't he?

9:39 am  
Anonymous Mr Angry said...

Absolutely brilliant.

I can honestly say, that much like the heroine of the piece, I did not see that coming.

Of course, I will now be buying a hair trimmer from Argos at lunchtime.

10:08 am  
Blogger bobbins said...

I'm impressed she didn't rip her face to bits on all the stubble. What a trouper.

12:09 pm  
Blogger Angela-la-la said...


12:36 pm  
Blogger Dandelion said...

After reading that story, I don't feel very inclined to oblige a male person with a deed of that nature ever again.

4:49 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

droll x

5:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


9:27 pm  
Blogger Mr Farty said...

How, man, that's reet funny an aaall.

Thank you.

11:24 pm  
Anonymous mr_glide said...


11:40 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Sounds like management material if you ask me.

11:51 am  
Anonymous Katy Newton said...

So are they married now?

5:35 pm  
Blogger Lee said...

Your office banter leaves me dry...heaving.

9:08 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

me: No, it's still there.

fwen: Eh?

t&c: There is so much to take in.

rach: You're right, I'm far too judgemental.

grax: Surely you are not suggesting that this may be an urban myth?

dickie: Thanks and that.

mm: I'm sorry you've had to rename your pussy.

angry: You're a gent.

bobbins: To be commended for sure.

ang: ........

dandelion: Let's not be hasty.

anon: Thanks.

pup: And to you.

farty: Nae botha.

m_g: I found it quite difficult to concentrate afterward.

dinners: I'm sure he has a bright future ahead of him.

katy: 2 kids apparently. (Not really. I didn't get the impression that it was a long term-relationship. Not after that anyway.)

lee: Sorry. 'Banter' indeed. You read too many British blogs.

5:18 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

That's something to pass on to a son, unless of course you have a daughter.

7:32 pm  
Blogger Honey said...


you tell it brilliantly.


7:55 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Clarissa: One of each, so I'm a bit stuck.

Honey: I know. And thanks.

8:04 pm  
Blogger Eliza said...

he's a catch

12:22 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Indeed. Romance is alive and well.

12:51 pm  
Blogger jali said...

What a classy guy...

4:42 pm  
Blogger londongirl said...

Crikey. What a colleague.

9:53 pm  
Blogger Miss Tickle said...

Good Lord.

And indeed, crikey.

3:56 pm  

Tell him I'm happy to take him to Rio any time he likes and give him my number, there's a good chap.

4:11 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Jali, Tickle and LG: He really is money.

NWM: Hello you. Consider it done.

10:13 pm  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

I am gues the recipient of said spunked spiked hair wanted a new car?... No. Always worked for me..ooops! Damn, will I NEVER learn to shut up?!

12:48 pm  
Blogger Delboy's Daughter said...

I have never been able to suck a shaved cock again since the 'incident'. And it's why I have a crush on Brian Blessed.


*runs away sobbing*

12:25 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

dj: Seriously. What?

dd: Welcome back you. I'm assuming you're joking.

12:58 pm  
Anonymous Pete C said...

It doesn't matter what devices you use to distance yourself from being the teller of this shabby little urban myth, the misogyny is still there.

10:31 pm  

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