I Accidentally Do Something Nice and Live to Regret It.
It’s not an odd question given that it is a Friday afternoon and a few of my colleagues and I regularly gather for drinks after work at the unbearably swanky bar next to our building.
What is odd is that a man I barely know is asking it of me. Perhaps he is just making conversation.
Me: Expect so.
Shaved Chimpanzee: See you there then.
I imagine this to mean that he is meeting his own acquaintances there and that perhaps we will – literally – ‘see’ each other.
But no. He tips up and joins my actual friends and me without knowing any of us and believes himself to be ‘one of the boys’. He has ‘invited himself’. That is ‘against the rules’. You wait to be asked. This went on for three weeks. And I hate him. We all hate him.
How can I even begin to describe the extent of the unbearable nature of this gentleman? To assume you are ‘mates’ with people you don’t know and invite yourself out with them is a bit ‘off’, but forgivable if you are a half-way bearable human being. But he isn’t.
He’s a boor. And a bore.
Again, you could forgive the fact that he is a human slouch, that his absurdly-shaped head does not suit the buzz-cut, especially when he has so much stubble (which is not of the ‘designer’ variety but of the ‘homeless’ type) that it makes his head look a bit ‘upside down’ and that he genuinely believes that dress trousers, brown BROWN shoes and a white shirt that resembles something his Mam would have bought him for school topped with a FUCKING white and gold NYLON ANORAK is suitable attire for the workplace.
But not the boorishness.
There is a special category of ‘stupid’ for people like this. The man has an opinion on every conversation, whether or not the conversation includes him. And insists upon giving it from some imagined lofty height as if gifting us with wisdom from his imaginary ivory tower whether anyone is interested in hearing it or not.
He is the genuis-type who will inform us that the Middle-East situation is 'all about oil' as if we would all shit ourselves with surprise and suddenly understand the world because of that when actually it is down to such complicated religious, tribal, cultural, economic and political factors that NO-ONE in the western world will ever fully understand it.
Don't even get me started on the al-qaeda who apparently live across the road from his bed-sit.
Unaware that actually he is THICK AS SHIT and everyone is so embarrassed by the nonsense spilling from his foolish hole of a mouth that they dare not say anything at all for fear of making him feel small. Which gives him the impression that he has silenced everyone with his massive intellect.
He is beyond ‘stupid’. There are individuals in the world who are non-too-bright and are aware of it. I know a few. They are unassuming, work hard, probably earn much more than me and are fantastic fathers to their children and are great fun to be around.
This individual however is SO stupid HE DOESN’T EVEN REALISE HOW DENSE HE IS. He’s so mentally retarded he THINKS HE IS ACTUALLY QUITE FUCKING CLEVER.
I would like to murder him. Not because of the above – although that is a perfectly good reason - but because he has insinuated himself into my small, selectively-chosen social group and most of us are too nice to tell him to Fuck Off.
The Friday Before Last:
I’m outside said swanky bar having a cigarette with Uncannily Similar and the Fucking New Kid.
Uncannily Similar has one difference from me in that he always takes the new recruits under his wing. Hence the presence of Fucking New Kid, which I tolerate.
Shaved Chimp ambles out, grazing his knuckles on the ground as he walks.
Realizing that he is getting no conversation from either Uncannily Similar or myself, he turns to Fucking New Kid, who is in his early twenties, is probably tweaking from having his first proper job and has worked in our dauntingly large building for three days.
Shaved Chimp: [Unwarranted superior smirk] So what is it with you young fellas anyway? Don’t you realize your hair makes you look a bit gay?
The hair on Fucking New Kid’s head is more than an inch long and he seems to have made some effort to make it look as though he has not just got out of bed. He may as well be George Micheal as far as this cunt is concerned.
Do not misunderstand me. I have no special love for the Fucking New Kid. He’s ‘new’ and that bothers me – I don’t like people I don’t know. But this is out of order. And I’ve had more of the Chimp than I can bear anyway. I have a tipping point.
The following exchange is based on hazy memory and eyewitness reports.
Me: Chimp. Yeah. You. Can’t be many mirrors in YOUR house.
Me: You look like a PILE OF DIRTY FUCKING LAUNDRY.
At this point I am told that I am almost nose-to-nose with the man. I remember losing my peripheral vision and my heart pounding quite a lot.
Chimp: Well…..I think it’s a waste. Em. Ur. You know. I don’t make an effort for WORK.
Me: Fucking CLEARLY. Where’d you get the ANORAK? Fucking CUNTS R US? And who FUCKING INVITED YOU AND YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS ANYWAY? NOBODY LIKES YOU!
He steps back and goes inside. I finish my cigarette. Uncannily Similar silently shakes my hand.
When we return to our Goodfellas-style reserved table we find that the dreadful baboon is wordlessly necking his pint of idiot juice and leaves without another syllable. Never to return.
This Friday afternoon.
Blonde Colleague squints at me after hearing this silly story from Uncannily.
BC: [With a mixture of confusion and surprise] Eh? You did a nice thing?
Me: No. I told a prick to fuck off because no-one else would.
BC: No. You stood up for the Fucking New Kid. You stuck up for him.
Me: Shit. SHIT. You’re right. That’s EXACTLY WHAT HE’LL THINK. Bollocks.BOLLOCKS.
BC: Hahahahahah. He’s your friend now!
She’s wrong, I think to myself. It’s fine.
I go for a walk down a random corridor to clear my thoughts. By astonishing coincidence Fucking New Kid is coming my way.
FNK: Alright Tired? Going for a drink after work tonight?
Me: Expect so.
FNK: See you there then.
And so it transpires that the weak of will, the hangers-on, the people that no-one really want but who are half-way smart enough to make you feel bad for them never really go away – like Energy, they just change form.
I don't know what I'm going to have to do to get rid of this fucker.