"Eeee, are ye alreet, pet?"
Yes, I think to myself. I am fine. Why would you ask? It’s very comfortable down here. I just fancied a little lie down.
It is 8.40 in the morning.
“It’s OK.” I inform her as I begin moving upright again.
Fortunately she moves on before she sees me perform the ‘Spastic Duck’ – an odd move performed when attempting to stand up again on a sheet of ice whilst your feet splay away from you before you can gain any sensible purchase and you find yourself briefly dancing on the spot like Donald fucking Duck.
She’s nowhere to be seen by the time I right myself. Amazing.
Sadly the surprisingly attractive woman who got on my bus (most people who use public transport in my neck of the woods have weird teeth and eyes that point in different directions) and sat opposite me for my journey is still in witness distance.
I resolve to regain some dignity and make it the rest of the way to my office upright so as to massively impress this creature with my ‘walking like a normal person’ abilities.
And promptly perform the ‘Idiot Crab’.
This is mastered by arranging to have your feet slip into the air in front of you and to begin falling backwards. The trick is to then put your arms back to break your fall and briefly scuttle on the palms of your hands and heels of your feet whilst facing the sky.
I pull it off perfectly.
I arrive at the office to discover that almost everyone in the building has had to stay at home because of the fucking snow the pussies.
This will be an excellent day, I think.