Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Awkward.

One week ago.

My Newly Gay Friend has invited myself and Uncannily Similar out for a drink.

This is in itself not a problem. But Newly Gay is bringing his new boyfriend for us to meet. In a bar two hundreds yards away from our place of employ, where Newly Gay’s wife works. With us. And it’s a bar she often frequents.

This too is not a great problem – she’s aware of the potential awkwardness so is staying away that night. Which was awkward in itself. But. It’s just that the whole thing is odd.

If he’d got a new girlfriend it would be just as strange – who parades their new partner in front of their mates for God’s sake?

The whole thing’s just a bit weird and I accidentally get a bit drunk.

After several hours of teeth-grinding and plastered-on smiles I am outside having a cigarette with Newly Gay.

NGF: So. What do you think of him then?

Me: Oh I don’t know, I can never really tell with people. [An outright lie by the way] I didn’t know he was in the Forces. He must get some grief.

NGF: Oh God no. It’s fucking rife with it. Can you imagine a gay man NOT wanting to be a soldier? It’s fucking ideal. I’m amazed there are any straight guys there. It’s a bit of a refuge for closet cases to be honest.

I’ve no idea how Newly Gay has amassed such encyclopedic knowledge of ‘gayness’ or whatever after only a few months of signing-up to it but I suppose he is a quick learner.

Me: Right then. Is he back in the country long?

NGF:
[Joking. I assume] No thank God! I can’t wait until he fucks off back to Afghanistan so I can get up to my ears in cock again!

I laugh at this and we both return inside.

Gay Boyfriend is gazing at us with curiosity as we sit back down.

GB: Sooo, what were you two boys talking about out there then?

Me: Nothing really. Just catching up.

GB: Come on. You can do better than that.

Me: Really. Just having a chat.

I’m getting a bit irked at this point.

GB: Can’t you share it? A little secret is it?

I don’t really know why he’s annoying me. He’s over-familiar, doesn’t know me but is talking to me as though he does and has a slight arrogance that is actually uncommon to those serving in the Armed Forces. And I’m a bit drunk. I decide to diffuse the situation in a light-hearted way.

What I’ll do, I think to myself, is tell him exactly what Newly Gay just said and it'll be considered so outrageous that everyone will laugh and it’ll really break the ice. I’m a genius at this stuff. This is going to be hilarious. I'm a funny fucker, me.

Me: Actually he was saying he can’t wait until you FUCK OFF back to Afghanistan so he can get UP TO HIS EARS IN COCK AGAIN!

As in bad sitcoms the sound-system of the bar becomes silent a split-second before I say these words. Instead of the expected chorus of laughter, flies stop in mid-air. Everyone starts fiddling with their mobile phones and no-one looks anyone in the eye, although I can feel those of Newly-Gay burning into the side of my face.

I may have misjudged this
, I think to myself.

Never mind. I’ll soon sort this out. I can turn this around.

Me: Anyway. Do you know you look exactly like Andy Bell out of Erasure?

A tumbleweed blows by.

The following Monday morning.

Blonde Colleague: So? How’d the ‘double date’ go?

Me: Could have been better.

78 Comments:

Anonymous Em said...

Beautiful. Cooks AND perceptive.

9:10 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

'Perceptive' = should not be allowed to attend social situations?

9:30 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Afraid so. Was trying to be nice...

10:54 pm  
Anonymous jonathan said...

Sterling work Tired. If you're going to make a social misjudgement you may as well do it properly, is what I think. And, you know, the military man was maybe just a little bit annoying and as you point out the strong drink was entirely accidental and quite beyond your control. No, on balance you come out of it really quite well there. You should get out more.

11:41 pm  
Blogger Pueblo girl said...

Sounds like neither WMAM nor BC were so far off the mark...(small quibble: why WMAM and not WMAW? Is there something you aren't telling us?). But they (the new couple) did deserve it.

11:42 pm  
Anonymous Benj said...

Fuck it, it happens. I've said worse.

1:09 am  
Blogger punxxi said...

I would have paid to be at that function...

3:30 am  
Blogger Shane said...

You are clearly gifted.

10:35 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: Thanks anyway.

j: Very kind. Sadly this is just one example of my default social setting. I should just stay in really.

PB: No, they're on the money. And stop with the quibble - I've fixed it. It may be because - oddly only in photographs - she resembles a Thai ladyboy. And I don't know if they really deserved it but the whole thing was very tiresome.

B: No doubt. I just don't enjoy internally cringing at MYSELF several days later.

P: I'll sell tickets next time.

S: Sure.

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I always knew I had a long lost brother.

I'll keep looking then.....

(you fucking star)

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Blogger Debster said...

Maybe next time he wont ask what you were talking about ...

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Blogger hexenundschnecken said...

Nobody enjoys cringing at himself/herself - and I hold the world record for that - but trust me: this is not a cringing-ocassion. You were asked a stupid question (repeatedly!) and you answered it truthfully. So fuck them.
And by the way: beautiful post. Thanks.

10:04 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

Oh man.

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Blogger Carnalis said...

He deserved it, really, for being so persistent AND it made for an excellent post.

9:34 pm  
Blogger A Free Man said...

I have a gift for those sit com kind of moments myself. I try not to leave the house.

Great site.

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Blogger proswet654 said...

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Blogger Lil Miss said...

Dude...
That sounds like something I would have said.. Unfortunately things sound funnier and/or smarter in my head....

10:32 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: Thanks and that.

Debs: I kind of doubt there will be a 'next time'.

Anon: Free girls. Superb.

Hex: Hello and thank you.

Ellie: Yup.

C: Very kind as always.

Free Man: I'd stay home constantly but unfortunatly have to work for a living. This brings me into contact with 'people'. Grrr. And thanks.

proswet?

Lil: No doubt. Do I know you?

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Blogger Lil Miss said...

um no... I'm new here *blush* thought I'd try and slide a comment in there and hope no one knew I had never been here before... Guess it didn't work :S

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Lil: Nononono I didn't mean 'do I know you?' in a 'what the fuck are you doing here?' way. It's just your writing reminded me of someone who stopped blogging recently - I thought.. oh whatever.

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Bingo is usually played in special halls where many players can play at the same time. The actual fun is the tension building up seeing other players closer and closer to the finish line. However, with the advent of the Internet, BINGO has gone online as well. There are many ways to play on the net, though the basics remain the same. You will have to complete a given pattern before anyone else in order to win. Over the net, you need not shout the computer will flash it out for you. Some online games also have chat attached to the games where you can speak with other players online and have fun right from your home, office or any other place where you can get on the net. Chatting is a great way to meet new people and pick up the tips and tricks.

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