Monday, July 12, 2010

Lost and Found.

They say that if you love something you should set it free. And if it returns it’ll be yours forever.

I’m starting to find that this may actually be true.

If by ‘love’ they mean ‘are quite used to having around’. And if by ‘quite used to having around’ they mean ‘is a District Council-mandated necessity’.

And if by ‘set it free’ they actually mean ‘wonder where the fuck it’s gone.’

The wheelie-bin for my recycling went missing didn’t it.

The first week or so I wasn’t that bothered. It’s a recycling bin that - to be frank - I rarely use. I chucked my tins and newspapers in the refuse bin as usual but without the normal minor twinge you get when you irrationally think that you are being ‘bad’ by doing so. The second week I did have a faux-nonchalant stroll around the neighbourhood to see if I could spot it. By week three I was beginning to get slightly concerned.

It just isn’t in a wheelie-bins’ nature to act like this. I began to imagine how it would have coped surviving in the wild for three solid weeks. The torments it must have suffered at the hands of the abandoned shopping-trolleys, the mocking from the single drunkedly-lost shoes and discarded gloves.

Don’t get me started on the indignity it must have suffered at the hands of the marauding ‘Household Refuse’ wheelie-bins. Because they think they are IT compared with their weakling ‘Recycling’ cousins - showing off with their cigarette-ends and bits of chicken wing when they all get together in the grave-yard at night for a bit of lid-flapping.

By week four it had returned, sheepish and repentant. Well, it won’t be trying that one again. I’m never putting it out. That’ll teach it. Locked in the backyard, next to the catflap in the back gate that I spend most evenings staking-out so I can throw clothes-pegs at next-doors’ cat every time it sticks it’s fucking head through it.

People tell me I’m spending too much time in the house.


Anonymous Dave said...

I am gay!

10:44 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

perhaps you and Dave should go for drinks and cat pelting? He swears he has a sense of humour.

6:12 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

Don't care what you say, you bloody well ARE funny!

Maybe the odious Mr Moat had abducted your recycling bin and THAT's where he was hiding for a week.

Aiding and abetting a criminal *shakes head sadly*

Ali x

12:52 pm  
Anonymous Tired Dad said...

Punxxi: Although i DO like to finger my arse, I don't fancy having Dave round my house.

3:45 pm  
Anonymous janeway said...

Though I expect you to respond with a disclaimer, I agree with Alison that this is a truly funny piece. I also agree with a commenter on an earlier post of yours, who said that you write well.

Not so sure about you and Dave though - finger up the ass notwithstanding.

4:29 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

punx: I'm sure you're right.

Ali: I never said I wasn't, just not so funny that people's girlfriends will spontaniously perform bedroom gymnastics with me.

And I had nothing to do with the fugitive in question - Rothbury is a long way from me and besides, it's a very raoul-moat area.

(raoul-moat / remote? No?)

janeway: See above for the expected disclaimer. And thanks.

Sadly Dave will not be joining us for a while. I've no problem with mischievousness or flat-out insults so long as they are funny and/or interesting. So...

7:54 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

You could use a water pistol on the cat, they really hate it. My uncle lives in Rothbury - my dad's only comment was to wonder why on earth anyone would go there to hide out. (Presumably because they all know each other, not because it's dull or anything.)

8:28 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

John: I'm told I need to get out more. Investing in aqua-weaponry to combat the cat from next door is perhaps not the way ahead.

Re: Rothbury. Police spent the bulk of last week advising people to avoid it. Because it's SHIT.

Anyone? No?

9:45 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

It's touching that you love your wheelie. Maybe you should wheel it into your bedroom.

10:39 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

My recycling bin was rejected with a taped lid and note because my daughter threw my delicious baking in it. That I did late one night for a fundraiser she'd 'forgotten' to tell me about. Then it got rejected again after I put my daughter in it.

11:54 pm  
Anonymous Carlos said...

That wasn't 'roaul moat' ly funny.

9:27 am  
Anonymous janeway said...

Okay, I'll play the dumb Yank. Who is Raoul Moat?

12:38 pm  
Anonymous janeway said...

Never mind. Google has supplied the answer.

1:31 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Ellie: I never said I loved it. I want to make that quite clear.

Em: They taped the lid? Like a crime scene?

Carlos: I know. This blog's going downhill isn't it?

Janeway: Glad you're up to speed. The whole thing was what passes for excitement over here.

6:36 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

Perhaps Gay Dave is also a murderer? As well as being gay that is, not to suggest that anybody else here is.

8:03 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I sincerly doubt he is.

9:02 pm  
Blogger Sewmouse said...

Someone also stole my wheelie bin.
This is the 3rd time someone has stolen a waste receptacle from me.

I am starting to look at my neighbors suspiciously. I mean, seriously - if one of them is a wheelie-bin-fetishist, I want to stay VERY far away from him/her/it/them.

10:13 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Yellow tape. With 'contaminated' in black writing. Very dramatic in my hood.

12:18 am  
Anonymous looby said...

Mr Dad, could you remind me of your email address via blog at loobynet dot co dot uk? I've done something stupid. Thanks, looby

9:50 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...


10:37 am  
Blogger Carnalis said...

How did it know which house to return to?

How about taping up the cat-flap?

6:18 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Sew: Apparently it's quite common. I don't know what the black-market value of a wheelie-bin is, but it seems it's quite high. I doubt it's your neighbours.

Em: That is COOL and I hope they adopt it here.

C: It's a mystery. It must have just KNOWN. And I couldn't possibly tape it up - I'd have nothing else to do with my evenings/weekends.

9:08 pm  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

Wheelie bins really don't show enough loyalty. Never have never will.

10:45 pm  

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