Sunday, July 04, 2010

Time To Leave

I’m at work. It’s four-thirty in the afternoon. All is fairly peaceful in the office.

Blonde Colleague: Right. I’m off.

Me: What?

BC: [slinging bag over her shoulder] I’m away. That’s me.

Me:
Bit early. What for?

BC:
I’m a fat cunt.

I sigh inwardly. This is getting beyond a joke. It’s bad enough having to listen to her bang on about her latest diet all day every day and pointing-out that her ‘weight issues’ are entirely imaginary – the only ‘issue’ she’s had of late has been losing too much and not really looking like a proper woman anymore but you can’t say that because they never believe you – but having to leave work early? Christ.

Anyway, I reply in the only manner a sane man would when faced with a woman describing herself as above.

Me: Oh no you’re not.

BC: What?

Me:
You’re not.

BC:
I FUCKING AM AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

Bit vehement.

Me: Look, you’re really not and you should just get over it.

BC: You can’t tell me what to do! This has been agreed and I’m going.

Me: Well there’s really no point. You should just accept things. You’re fine.

BC: WHAT?!

Me: You’re not a ‘fat cunt’.

BC:
WHAT??!!

This is getting a bit weird actually. Normally when you tell a woman they’re not overweight they melt a little bit and make you some tea. This is not going according to the template. I resolve to give it one last go.

Me:
I said you’re not a fat cunt.

BC: I know! And I’m off to Weight Watchers to make sure I stay that way. I’ll make up the time tomorrow.

Ah. Weight Watchers. That she often refers to as ‘Fat Club’.

Me
: Oh. OH. Sorry. I thought you said “I’m a fat cunt”, not “I’m at Fat Club”.

BC: WHAT? YOU THINK I’M A FAT CUNT?!

Me: Well, no, of course-

BC:
Wanker!

She storms out of the office. Every woman present glares at me.

17 Comments:

Blogger Tired Dad said...

Janeway - I was tinkering, sorry about losing your comment. Nothing personal.

10:15 pm  
Anonymous janeway said...

sheesh. no wonder the women in the office glared.

10:20 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

heheheh she may not be a fat cunt, but she sounds like a dumb cunt!

10:23 pm  
Blogger ShySarah said...

Hehehehehe

Sometimes don't you wish you could just have the world open up and swallow you!

10:35 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Really, that was lose/lose from the beginning. As soon as you heard 'fat'...

Anything else I can help you with?

10:39 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

We're off that way.

10:49 pm  
Blogger Carnalis said...

I'm sure you are impervious to hard stares, but that really was very, very funny

11:07 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

janeway: What?

punx: On this occasion it was me being stupid.

ss: Near constantly. See my next post regarding never really leaving the house.

Em: In my defence I'm usually quite good at this sort of thing. Although I should have accepted your advice that day.

Ellie: Oh I know.

C: Thank you very much. And you're right about the stares, but I could live without HAVING to ignore them.

11:35 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

Pretend it never happened, she's probably so crazed with hunger (or by an enormous sugar rush) by now, she won't know what's real any more.

2:20 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

J: I expect you're right - that and the mood swings. Christ.

2:56 pm  
Anonymous Dave said...

I am gay!

5:28 pm  
Anonymous Tessa said...

No, no, no, no! How many times do you have to be told that you should never, ever reply to a woman when you hear her use the F word. You just nod and make an indeterminate noise, like a grunt. It doesn't matter what you say, you'll end up in the doghouse.

4:13 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

Or just say, you are not fat, leaving her to think that she is a cunt.

7:59 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Tessa: Hello and welcome. You're quite right but I still cling to the foolish belief that there is an articulate way out that will also reflect well on me. *SIGH*

Debs: I hadn't thought of that.

8:14 pm  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

I nearly punched out a chap in a big department store in Glasgow for taking the piss when trying to sell me some skin cream.

I thought he said ' so are you a singer or a model'. Believe me, there's nothing about me that would make you assume either of those careers are an option.

I was just about to tell him to piss off and not be so patronising when I realised he was asking me, in heavily accented English, whether I was SINGLE or a MOTHER.

I felt such a fool I bought his face cream ;-)

Ali x

9:31 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Surely the latter was worse than the former?

8:24 pm  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

Treat em mean and keep em keen eh?...;-)

10:48 pm  

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