Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Reach A Pivotal Moment In My Life.

There are certain moments. When you know you will change as a person. And are about to do things you never have before, that will probably define the rest of your life as a man.

For the first time, I am about to purchase a vacuum cleaner.

Feeling very modern, I flash the text-message reservation confirmation at the woman in Argos. She seems unimpressed. Perhaps she has seen this done before.

I remember the first time I discovered that socks and pants did not magically just appear. I was in my third year of university.

That was a big one.

The thing about household tasks requiring ‘tools’ of some sort was also a shocker, as was the introduction to shops that smelt of metal, hard work and masculinity. Purchasing a cordless drill was mind-blowing.

But this.

More than socks, pants, hammers or drills, vacuum-cleaners have always just BEEN THERE. Wherever I’ve lived, there’s always been one about, or someone has had a spare one (why?) that I’ve taken.

So this is enormous. I had a perfectly good one that just came from nowhere, which my sister – in the brief period she rented my spare room, used once and tripped every switch in the house and caused a brief but alarming electrical burning smell – destroyed.

Getting home from work, I take the box from the carrier bag. This is guaranteed to be an excellent experience.

For one; it cost less than twenty quid. No matter how poor it is, it cannot disappoint at that price.

And. The box has been taped-up by an Argos employee meaning it is an un-advertised return. This means that the previous owner thought it was so good that it would have been unfair not to let other people have a go at it.

I am agog with anticipation.

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish thingse”

Yeah. It’s time to put away childish things and do some overdue hoovering.

But it’s late. We’ll see.

45 Comments:

Anonymous Wendy said...

I sort of know what you mean. I was 35 before I ever bought a bag of salt ("Gosh! This stuff is cheap.." etc)

10:55 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Now that's just taking the piss.

11:21 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

It's life changing, isn't it? And, boy, once you start you'll never want to stop. It's really, really fun.

I suggest you don't mention this on your dating form.

11:37 pm  
Blogger fwengebola said...

I got a Hoover for Xmas. Occasionally I drag it over my carpet.

Life doesn't get any better than this.

11:53 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

Fewngebola - the gift that goes on sucking.

TD - see if it can ingest socks whole. Or start with paperclips and work up.

12:06 am  
Blogger The Purple Ropes That Bind Me said...

Hoovering would be the most fantastic thing in the world if you only needed to do it once, ever. A bit like bungy jumping.

12:10 am  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

I hate my Hoover (correction: Moulinex JizzBox) so much I threw it down the stairs this morning hoping that its poorly-built casing would snap in two. But still it sucks, both figuratively and metaphorically.

12:42 am  
Anonymous Kaija said...

I used to read and comment back during your first blog go-round and am back, just mostly silent. But this post roused me from my typing torpor because...

I have just had to buy my first vacuum as well after moving to a Very Big City and not knowing anyone from whom I could get a used one (the way I have always found them in the past)...what an annoying thing to have to spend cash to have :/

And I LOATHE cleaning and housework of any sort. Makes me think I'll never be a proper adult much as hilariously (and sadly) described here: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html Now I gear myself up days ahead of tidying up by muttering that I MUST "clean ALL the things!"

11:10 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

Getting Dyson changed my life. Well, changed my partner's life because I am a total slag when it comes to housework.

But when I realised you could see the dust wildebeest going into the cylinder I was amazed. Unto this VERY day, I actually enjoy hoovering because I can see all the shit going into the system.

AX

1:52 pm  
Anonymous pete_at_raspberry said...

I am agog.
Did your vacuum cleaner live up to your expectations? Or will it be so good that the Argos employee will be taping the box up for the next customer?

3:01 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Writing as a poor sod who once upon a time had to sell vacuum cleaners for a living,
I predict:
Your new vacuum cleaner won't work properly.
The parts will break
If it uses dust bags, they'll be virtually impossible to source (except via mail order in Vladivostok)
It it's a bagless machine, it won't separate the dust, but will just squirt the crap out, nicely redistributing the detritus of dead skin cells and mite shit all over you and your nice little home.

WARNING. Do not let any part of this cleaner come near your private areas. AND do not vacuum naked. A&E departments no longer trust this type of excuse.

4:53 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

Like Alison: the Dyson has changed my hoovering life.

Will we someday see pictures. Perhaps before and after hoovering pics?

5:26 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: It's till in the box so that remains to be seen.

fweng: You're making me jealous. But who the hell gives a hoover as a Christmas present?

Debs: Will do.

Purple Ropes: Agreed. And welcome.

NWM: That is precisely why I bought the cheapest thing I could find.

K: Welcome back.

Ali: You see, that would just make me uneasy. I don't need to SEE that shit; that's why I'm hoovering in the first place.

Pete: Tragically I've actually booked the afternoon off work tomorrow in order to first use it. Wait for updates.

TSB: I sincerely hope that you will be wrong. I can't be doing with the palaver.

Ellie: Absolutely NO CHANCE. It isn't 'that sort' of blog.

6:55 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Oh, Kaija - thanks for that link. Very amusing.

Purple Ropes guy - fuck's sake man.

7:04 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

I remember an article in the New Scientist many years ago from ER people as to the excuses men came up with as to why they had got their private parts stuck in the hoover. Most entertaining. Amazing the number of men who hoover with no clothes on ... or back up on the doorknob by mistake ... or a light bulb ...

7:48 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

Excellent! I am one of the dysonistas though, it is strangely satisfying seeing it fill up with all that odd grey stuff. And the occasional child's toy. Nothing to do with hoovering naked, I should add...

9:03 pm  
Blogger fwengebola said...

Mum, on being told I needed one.
You did fucking ask.

10:20 pm  
Blogger Carnalis said...

i got an iron for christmas.

11:02 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: You'll notice I am remaining silent on the subject.

J: Glad to hear it. Not that I have anything to report myself.

Fweng: Alright. Settle down. That's actually ok - if it had been unprompted a girlfriend (oh stop) or something that would have been terrible.

C: I do not know what to do with that information.

12:07 am  
Anonymous Wendy said...

Carnalis: My dad gave his wife an iron for her birthday once. They are quite amusingly still married.

Debster: I met these nurses from Essex once: they told me that you would be surprised at the amount of men who come into A&E with "irritation" and eventually admit that they'd been wanking into an empty crisp packet. Apparently Beef and Tomato is the worst.

12:33 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Wendy: What do you think this is, some sort of 'forum' or something?

12:36 am  
Anonymous Wendy said...

TIred Dad: That's actually true -- I just lived in so many flats over the years that there is always but always some salt

12:37 am  
Anonymous Wendy said...

ok. I'll piss off. Sorry

12:38 am  
Blogger punxxi said...

Well, I am estatic that I am getting a new garage door and opener for Valentines Day. I am completely serious about that. I can get froufrou stuff anytime I want, but good stuff like this only comes along once in a long, long while!
Good luck with the Hoovering, but you do know you can pay people to do those ghastly chores, don'tcha?

1:23 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wooden floors and rugs. Fuck the hoover. Not literally unless called to do so.

Huh?

Ann Anon

4:38 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Wendy: Oh don't piss off. I just hate it when people talk amongst themselves. This is MY BLOG, I SHOULD GET ALL THE ATTENTION etc. Sort of thing.

Punx: I know, I could 'get someone in' but I don't want anybody to discover my dungeon. (I do not have a dungeon)

Ann: Most of it IS hard-flooring, but the stairs and landing require drastic attention. As does my bedroom but that is another matter.

2:33 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

Tired, I am so disappointed to learn you don't have an actual dungeon, where are you to keep your used royals if you haven't one?

9:37 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

We don't keep them in a dungeon, we just send them off to extort money from journalists disguised as wealthy businessmen.

11:53 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

Well, did it suck a sock yet?

9:25 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: Not as yet, but it did try and eat my curtains.

12:09 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

There should be an attachment for that.

1:14 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

It was not a euphemism.

1:17 pm  
Blogger Sewmouse said...

My ex used to love using the vacuum cleaner. It was the only chore he would actually do without much prompting.

He said it reminded him of mowing the lawn.

This is not the reason he is my ex.

5:43 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I don't think for a second it was. I hate to ask...

8:35 pm  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

HI TD GUESS WHAT I HAVE ALSO GOT A NEW VACUUM CLEANER. IT WAS REDUCED FROM $396 TO $122.99 (inc tax.). IT IS UPRIGHT AND DOES NOT DO HAIR. IS THAT ENOUGH NOW FOR YOU TO LIKE ME? MY VACUUM CLEANER (IT IS NOT A HOOVER) WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOURS. And maybe kiss.

I love you

NWM

PS I shit you not, this is the most exciting thing to happen to me for weeks

4:45 am  
Blogger Sewmouse said...

In retrospect, we both made mistakes, TD. But I still blame the divorce mostly on his Mom who just couldn't reconcile that her "baby" had another woman in his life.

Long, sad, story short - you can't ever go back once the first punch has been thrown. I didn't go back.

8:06 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Fuck. Sorry. Respect for walking though. There are many who don't 'get' that. You're quite right. It is the only way. Not sure if the blame should be laid purely at the door of his mother though. But what do I know?

12:29 am  
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