Friday, March 04, 2011

Impromptu Telly Review.

I’m having an unbelievably stressful afternoon having taken on an unnecessarily ambitious project just to prove a point and also because neither backing-down or admitting defeat are one of my big things.

Thug Colleague: How. Tired. Y’want in on this?

Me: FUCK. What?

T.C: Top five most hated television programmes?

It’s better than his enquiry as to who my ‘arch-nemesis’ in the workplace is, but I have deadlines screaming at me like I owe them money, three different departments of my silly company doing the same, six clients who do not seem to know what the term ‘deadline’ actually means and ninety minutes to tie the whole thing up.

Me: Yeah, O.K. then.

Here are my answers, and reasons (if required):

Popworld, Channel 4.

Two charisma-free mannequins perform the most painfully over-rehearsed ‘spontaneous’ banter whilst pretending to laugh at their own obviously scripted and unfunny ‘jokes’ whilst asking uninteresting questions of uninteresting popstrels and banging on about ‘festivals’ and stuff. They wouldn’t be invited round my house in a million years. I don’t hate it because it was once quite good. I hate it because it is shit.

Anything Featuring the ‘Talents’ Of Alex Zane, Any Channel.

No explanation required.

That Dreadful Bob Grundy-Hosted History of the North of England Thing, BBC1

I can’t even be bothered to look-up it’s real name. It makes Countryfile seem avant-garde. Do you know that feeling of dread that used to creep into the pit of your stomach on a Sunday night before school when Bullseye came on the telly? It’s like someone distilled that, cooked it up and fucking mainlined it into you. In a massively unlikely footnote, Thug Colleague has had business dealings with the man in question (attempting to flog his DVDs to an uninterested public) and reports that he is ‘a cunt’.

Something for the Weekend, BBC2

I can only assume that the sorry enterprise was born of this scenario:

Exec 1: We need some sort of Sunday-morning ‘magazine show’ made-up of clips from the previous week’s telly that is totally unlike the omnibus This Morning on the other channel which features the deep likeability of Philip Schofield and the unique combination of sexiness and equal likeability that is Holly Willoughby. You know, the one people actually enjoy? But have it be almost identical to that. Whilst being different.

Exec 2: No problem. We’ll just assemble a bunch of feckless z-list celebrities and no-marks with all the charm of my foreskin and with no chemistry whatsoever to pretend they don’t secretly hate each other any more than the general public actually hates each and every one of them individually and then – twist coming – throw in a cocktail-maker who appears to be a hairs-breadth away from downing a mojito in a one-er and chinning the lot of them.

Exec 1: Perfect.

Any Cookery Show Featuring Rick Stein. Any Channel, But Usually BBC2.

A controversial choice as it turned out. But let me ask you this: could you spend more than an hour in his company without wanting to grind your teeth on his worthy skull? No, you couldn’t. And he always smells of fish, whilst constantly quacking-on about it. It’s fish, Rick. Get over it.

Several people list that “fuckin 10 O’Clock Show shite” in their top five, and I briefly argue. But even I have to concede that I WANT to like it more than I ACTUALLY do.

I look at my watch and realise I shall now be working late or face the wrath of a client named Wayne, who is built like a brick-layer and sports the name ‘Miss Kitty’ after dark. True.

35 Comments:

Blogger Author, author! said...

Powerful post in that I have not the slightest wish to find out one single detail about any of these people or shows. Win win!

8:37 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

You are in luck.

8:52 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Excellent - in that I don't know one show you're talking about, expect for Rick Stein who speaks of fish for all mankind (unfortunately).
I would like to know more about Miss Kitty, though. True.

4:36 am  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

I am so glad that I have never heard of any of them with the exception of Rick Stein, who has the benefit of actually knowing what he's talking about. Even though I hate fish, and would rather have a squid enema rather than actually eating the slimy little cylinders of piscine slime.

Steak for PM.

BTW Do you have Miss Kitty's contact details? I have a few "friends" who would be perfect for him.

4:55 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

The telly on a Friday night is absolutely SHIT. I am reduced to HAVING to watch Harry Hill's TV Burp and the other Harry Hill show....BACK TO BACK.

I then relax with Ace of Cakes and feel my gallstones creaking in protest.

I would add something else to your list Part 3 of a 4 Part Series. any 4 Part series. When you have not watched Parts 1 and 2. But there's nothing else on, so you HAVE to watch it and you have not a CLUE what it's about, but you watch it anyway. And then don't tune in for the 4th part.

AX

11:11 am  
OpenID notkeith said...

10 O'Clock Live was alright this week, I thought. Bit tighter than earlier episodes, which just felt like you were waiting for someone (Brooker) to fluff their lines. Mind you, I was quite hammered when I watched it, so my critical faculty might have been a bit out.

11:16 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: Miss Kitty is opening a 'burlesque' bar (think the film Cabaret) in the roughest, chav-ridden Kangol-clad street in the city. I haven't the heart to tell him/her and his immaculately-sculpted eyebrows that it is doomed to failure.

TSB: I am concerned about the company you keep. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Ali: I don't actually watch a great deal of television myself. For the stated reasons.

NK: Like I say, I WANT it to be good. But each and every time it gets interesting they have to cut to someone else so they all get the face-time that was probably guaranteed in their contracts.

12:23 am  
Blogger Debster said...

Actually Friday Night Dinner is quite funny. Well I laughed anyway.

12:38 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Pretty sure I didn't say it wasn't? Although I did watch it stony-faced. But again - what do I know.

12:49 am  
Blogger Debster said...

It was more in response to Alison who said Friday night telly was shit. Mind you, I video everything I want to watch and then watch it when I am in the mood so that might explain things. How's the hoover?

12:00 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Ah. I see. Oh, it's fine. I'm thinking of buying a new phone in a couple of weeks so brace yourself for that.

6:08 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

Is it one of the new smarter-than-you phones, or one that just makes phone calls?

6:23 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

I haven't watched Popworld since I realised Miquita Oliver believed her own hype and thought she really was God's gift to TV, and not just some dumb show-off. I would like to humbly request an increase your list to include anything featuring Fiona Bruce or Kate Humble, talentless, hair-tossing, gurning no-marks that they are.

7:21 pm  
Anonymous Wendy said...

I have a fuschia bustier, if Keith is interested. And a nice turtleshell haircomb (quite elegant).

10:40 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha, i loved this post! It was bursting with the irate enthusiasm and genuine aggression that is usually evident when having an actual conversation with you! You always did have a way with words. I love how much you hate the idiot box! Sorry, I know Im not wanted here, but youre a funny fucker...te he he.

4:35 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

I do most of my telly watching while I sleep, it's much better that way, and serves a usful purpose.

9:17 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

useful,too.

9:17 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: Yeah, a 'smart' one despite the fact that my current one is probably smarter than me. But sadly doesn't work properly. Not looking forward to the whole thing - by the time I figure-out how to work it, it shall also be obsolete.

Johnners: Agreed and agreed.

Wendy: Genuinely know idea what you're on about.

Anon: *sigh* Yeah laugh it up will you.

punxi: Do you not find you have odd dreams?

10:27 am  
Anonymous looby said...

I see the quality of TV hasn't improved much since I gave my telly away in 2007 then.

11:56 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Loob: You know what? I did the same thing myself a couple of years a go and didn't feel the poorer for one minute.

12:01 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

I never dream, TD, I believe that makes me a psychopath?

6:00 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

It's my understanding that everyone dreams, it's just that some people never remember them. Or you're a psycho. Either/or.

2:19 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

If you dream about bikes you could be a cyclepath.

12:22 am  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

"If you dream about bikes you could be a cyclepath."

True. LOL

If you dream of dykes, you're a Lesbian

Or maybe a bloke with some rather extreme fantasies. Sometimes including mud or jelly. And conversion kits.

1:25 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

TSB: And you.

10:05 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

TSB - mine was better.

4:58 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Debster; Possibly.
But I've heard it said that imitation is the finest form of flattery.

But I have dreamt of the best "bike" joke.

"A woman goes to the gynecologist,and upon examination, the doctor says, "Why, it's immaculate in here! What do you do to keep yourself so hygenic?"
The woman responds, "I have a woman in twice a week."

6:50 am  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Tired Dad:
I'm sorry for the non-pc attitude of that last comment. Please remove if it offends too much.

I still think it's funny though.

8:33 am  
Blogger Debster said...

TSB - that's dyke, not bike ...

10:09 am  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Yes, I know.
That's why I put those litle dashes on each side of the word bike.
They're called exclamation marks. To indicate a difference.
To show that I know this is not the word you would expect to be used.
To link in with your previous comment about cyclepath (very good pun BTW)
Anyway you can go faster for longer on a bike.
And you can ring your bell :=)

3:17 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

I can ring my own bell ;)

Maybe I should look into getting a woman in - the man always makes it smell of fish ...

11:48 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Right. Do you two want to get a room or something? Ok.

1:42 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Why?
Do you want to make it a trike?

4:58 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Right. do not involve me in your unpleasant thoughts for a second longer. Cheers.

10:40 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

OK,
I'll go back to a unicycle

5:13 am  

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