Sunday, March 13, 2011

Pressure.

“You might feel a bit of pressure.” Says the woman sticking a scalpel in my eye.

“Pressure?” I think to myself. “You know nothing about it, love. I’ve got a workload you wouldn’t believe and I’ve had to take an hour off to come here so a swarthy lass who could obviously beat the shit out of me if I looked at her funny with my good eye can stick needles in me and start fucking about with a sharp fucking knife. At my fucking eye. Fuck. It’s not like I can even look away. Shit”

“That’s a good result.” She says to no-one in particular as the vision in my left eye goes blood-red. With blood as it turns out.

Being an obviously considerate sort, she tapes an eye-patch big enough to take care of Geoff Capes onto me, despite the fact that my entire head is about the size of my eight-year old daughters. So I don’t look in the slightest bit foolish.

“Now, if you have to come back…..”

“Don’t worry. I AM NEVER FUCKING HAVING THAT DONE AGAIN.” I say.

She and her assistant laugh. This is a big load of TEH FUNNY for them. They cut cysts from the under-sides of eyelids all the time.

I return to the office, tripping down stairs and bumping into door frames.

It’s not the first time I’ve had to have things hacked from my body because they’re doing more harm than good, and I wonder how long it’ll be before I have a bathroom cabinet like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly packed with discarded pieces of me.

After much hilarity caused by my appearance, four of my colleagues are – without warning or explanation – escorted from the premises. Two of them I happen to have quite a lot of time for.

I’m told I shall be taking over the accounts of one of them. As I’m obviously at a loose-end these days. And don’t have enough to do.

Finally, I get a bus home. It’s the same service upon which I had an alarming seizure and convulsed on the floor of for a full five minutes some months ago. People look askance at my patched face and shuffle out of my way.

I take out my much-hated mobile phone and send a couple of texts of concern and support to Thug Colleague. I remember how much I used to dislike him, and how perplexed we both must be about the massively unlikely friendship we have grown in the last twelve months – sparked by a mutual admiration of the recording artist Kunt And The Gang - after four solid years of being deeply suspicious of one another.

It seems I have developed ‘empathy’ quite late on in life. As if I didn’t have enough to do, it seems I am now ‘caring about people’ all over the place. The selfish bastards. Christ.

22 Comments:

Anonymous Kaija said...

Glad you're still among the upright and mobile, Tired :) And I have also had a similar experience with discovering my empathy and compassion after a fact...though you are much more witty in description than I. Cheers and fast recovery! :)

12:31 am  
Blogger punxxi said...

Sorry to hear about your poor eyeball/lid. There is nothing worse than trying to navigate with one eye patched shut, stairs are a real killer.
The majority of people are still raging cunts.

2:32 am  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Don't worry about the empathy. I reckon it's just a reaction to you having another piece of your mortal remains removed.
Don't worry.
It will soon pass.

As all things must.

God you're even making me maudlin.
Go away. Y
ou're contageous.

8:36 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You may have been taken over by your doppelganger...

9:18 am  
Anonymous pete_at_raspberry said...

Congratulations on your promotion!

Well done.

9:56 am  
Anonymous Johnners said...

Is it like the opposite of Samson then, the more bits you have cut off the more powers you get? (Is empathy a power? It should be, it would make superheroes more interesting.) What happens when you have your hair cut? I think we should be told.
Horrible way to see people leave by the way - you might have survivor guilt, instead of empathy after all.

8:52 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

So your eyeball was blocking your empathy? You will have to start experimenting with cutting out random bits and see what else happens. You might develop superman-like superpowers.

10:09 am  
Anonymous Em said...

I'm concerned about the size of your head. Has it shrunk or always been small?

Look, now you've got us all falling about with empathy. Fuck.

1:29 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

I have a thing for Jeff Goldblum.

9:17 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

K: Thanks. And I'm fine.

Punx: 24 hours of bumping into stuff and 'amusingly' missing whatever I tried to touch was quite enough. Agree with you re: majority of people.

TSB: It's already passed as it happens.

Anon: No idea what you're on about chief.

pete: Ha. Forgotten you were funny.

Johnners: Your comment is genuinely TOO INTERSTING so I shall reply only to the latter part and agree that you may be right.

Debs: See above comments by TSB so another marathon flirting session may begin.

Em: My head is proportionately small with the rest of my body. I am what I prefer to be called 'fun-size'.

Ellie: As should every sensible lady in the world. I'm no woman, but if I were I'd happily spend an evening listening to him take twenty minutes to awkwardly utter a single short sentence over a drink or two.

10:24 pm  
Anonymous looby said...

That's good, because my experience with work colleagues of whom I am "suspicious" it that it becomes immovable prejudice. Unless I suppose there's some kind of dam-breaking experience involving alcohol, but those are rare.

If you're going to start flirting with Debbie, a few hints of what's going on would be trouser-rubbingly pleasing for desperados such as myself.

12:00 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Loob: It's odd actually because I rarely change my mind about people.

And no, it's not me doing the flirting. Nothing interesting going on here.

5:12 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A needle comin' at your open eye - sod that!

Goldblum is a creep.

Ann Anon

What caused your fit on the bus?

7:06 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Ann: I wasn't fond of it myself. Re: Goldblum - perhaps, but he and Christopher Walken could hold a master-class in making a sentence last for hours. And the bus thing - the medical world is baffled. Oh well.

Loob: Actually - keep your trouser-rubbing to yourself. Thanks.

10:52 pm  
Blogger Debster said...

I'm not flirting with anybody, thanks.

11:11 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

I think I've just been given the elbow.

Farewell love of my life, think well of me in the future.

or

Can we just be friends? I'm sure Tired won't get jealous.

3:31 pm  
Anonymous looby said...

Sorry! Just another cackhanded joke!

11:38 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: See the comment below yours.

TSB: I'm sure you'll live. As will I.

Loob: Don't worry about it. I'm still traumatised by the Purple Ropes guy so I'm a bit touchy.

11:05 pm  
Blogger Her said...

People are a waste of time. You behaved very well for someone with a scalpel in their eye. The only friends I have a people I genuinely hate.

funny that...

9:36 pm  
OpenID queenwilly said...

Hi TD. Love your outlook on the world.

Luckily I have no memory of the apothecary cutting into the royal eyelid with his scalpel to shorten a stretched muscle 10 years ago. Though apparently I was conscious enough to "open, close" when he told me to. Gee, what a great non-memory that is.

Have to have it done again next year. Hope Jeff Goldblum appears.

5:45 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Her & Queen person - apologies both. You were languishing in my spam filter.

Her: Thanks. And I know what you mean.

Queenw: Thanks. I think. And could luck with the second attempt.

11:45 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Oh and welcome both. Sorry. It's late.

11:49 pm  

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