Monday, July 11, 2011

Brimstone.

“Do you know who I am?”

I’m in one of those road-side diners you find in dust-bowl shit-holes like Arizona, which is where I assume I am. I’m sat on a high stool at the counter drinking coffee, which I never do, and smoking a Chesterfield, which I never smoke.

I glance at the man who has just spoken. He’s catching the eye of the check-shirted woman behind the counter as he sits in the stool next to me.

Me: Yes. You’re the actor John Glover. You played the devil in that awful series ‘Brimstone’ they used to show late night on Channel 4.

The Devil: [very casually, given the gravity of the whole thing] No, I am the Devil. You just see me like this [gestures at himself] because this is how you imagine I’d look, you being an obtuse fucker who used to watch too much late-night television. No cloven-hooves or pitch-forks for you, you awkward twat.

Me:
It wasn’t actually that bad a show, just seemed to lose its way. If you wanted ‘bad’ you should have checked the king of late-night bad drama series ‘Highlander’. They put that on at about three o’clock. Adrian Paul – fuck – he made you look good.

TD: Yeah, it wasn’t me, it was the actor John Glover. I’m the Devil.

Me: Alright. Touchy.

TD: I have a deal for you.

Me:
Thought you might.

TD: It’s – [to the waitress] – could I get a black coffee? It’s simple. Two million pounds. In return for one memory.

Me:
Which one?

TD:
Well – [to the waitress] – thanks. A few months ago, your six-year old son and eight-year old daughter are staying with you for a few days. One afternoon, daughter goes to visit one of her old friends and your son and you spend time alone for only the second occasion in your lives. He chose to do so - knocking-about in the park, having your first falling-out, making-up, braying the hell out of each other in the soft-play centre, indoor-rock climbing and him generally thinking everything was awesome.

Me: Yeah, I remember.

TD:
Thoroughly sickening so far. So. Five in the morning, he has a bad dream, and clambers into the camp-bed you are sleeping in. That you have set-up in the spare room that is meant to be their room but you’re too much of a fuck-up to buy bunk-beds so they sleep in the double-bed in your room –

Me: HEY. They’re not cheap, bunk-beds. There’s a recession on. I’m not earning ..

TD: Whatever. I can fix all that for you. So there’s no room at all in this camp-bed, and he lies flat-out on top of you and he’s not a little boy anymore but he knows just being close to you will make the bad dream go away and you spend the night with your arms wrapped around him smelling his hair in your face and just as you’re about to sleep at six in the morning his sister wakes and climbs in as well and the camp-bed creaks and you think it’ll break and you can’t remember the last time you were so tired and so happy?

Me:
Yeah.

TD:
Two million pounds. Buy a house. And some decent beds. And a little flat near where they live so they don’t always have to travel hundreds of miles just to spend a couple of nights with you. Just that one memory.

Me: I’m quite fond of that one, as it happens. And we're talking about two million IMAGINARY POUNDS - this ISN'T EVEN HAPPENING.

TD:
You’re a prick, do you know that?

Me:
You're not the first to have mentioned it.

TD: Fucking time-waster. Cock. See you around.

Me:
You were great in ‘Heroes’…

TD: That wasn’t me, that was the actor John Gl….oh fuck off.

27 Comments:

Anonymous maddie said...

that was sweet and funny. So like you to get even the devil to tell you f-off.

9:55 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

I love this. A beautiful memory.
And I love how you manage to piss the devil off.

10:48 pm  
OpenID whatkatedidnext said...

This was so worth waiting for. And particularly timely for me. Good one!

1:17 am  
Blogger Vulpine said...

Sir, that was brilliant! Cheers.

1:48 am  
Blogger Flora Fauna Dinner said...

Perfect.

8:36 am  
Anonymous Gwen said...

Ace. You have quite a way with words. And a vivid imagination.
Ever considered moving into novella territory? I'm sure it would be a rip-roaring read (no, I'm being serious.)

9:25 am  
Blogger Plummy Mummy said...

TD The devil or is it tired dad in disguise???? Or is it the devil as danny glover as tired dad?
Anyway, lovely little snippet of daddy time with no1 son. Priceless I say

10:05 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Maddie: Thanks. Believe me - most everybody feels like telling me where to go sooner or later.

Em: Thanks. It wasn't even one of the really good ones. And see above. I can annoy ANYONE. It's one of my few talents.

WKDN: Ah. Yes. Just read your recent post. *sigh* Trust me, I'm FAR from perfect myself.

V: Hello. And welcome.

FFD: Thank you.

Gwen: Probably the best thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Unfortunately I have neither the time nor the discipline.

PM: You're not the first to have wondered, actually. Nothing interesting, I'm afraid. And thanks.

7:04 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

Lovely memory,TD

8:41 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Thanks. Like I say, that wasn't even one of the best ones.

9:03 pm  
Blogger Carnalis said...

I wish i could bottle that warm straw smell of their hair. And how come it is only one's own kids that smell that perfect? You are ace.

9:55 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

C: That description is perfect. And I don't know. And thank you.

10:20 pm  
OpenID whatkatedidnext said...

Ah well, life goes on. And on. I wasn't suggesting you were perfect TD, although this post was.

12:53 am  
Blogger Furtheron said...

That was brilliant.

Oh by the way... Please allow me to introduce myself... ;-)

12:46 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

WKDN: Half-way through replying and realised it doesn't belong here. This isn't a fucking 'forum'. Deleted.

Furtheron: HELLO AGAIN. Thank you. Oh. And very good. You are a man of wealth and taste.

8:27 pm  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

oh fuck off!

I vanish from the blogosphere for a few days...er...weeks...oh alright..months...and I return to find you talking to John thingy?

Get better quality voddy old bean!

Actually that was quite a good read.

Now don't start getting all precious on us eh?

Vulpine : SIR???????

Oh dear Lord....

12:01 am  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

Flora Fauna : Can I shag you? We almost have the same surname. Is that enough for you?

(Providing you are slim and fit and all that of course)

Thank you in advance.

12:05 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

oh yeah, that's a day's worth of memory that's NOT for sale.... Lovely post ;-)

Ali x

11:08 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

I would recommend substantially reducing the intake of cheese/alcohol/pills before bedtime.
But.
Well done, not many people could piss of "Auld Nick" even in his addled dreams.

Have you ever contemplated a career in the Church?

2:54 am  
OpenID whatkatedidnext said...

Not a fucking 'forum', but apparently a 'fucking' forum. Priceless.

9:24 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had one of the best days of my massively long (middleishly so) life a couple of weekends ago. With my Neffers. Wouldn't trade it for nowt.

NOWT, I say.

Nice One,TD.

Ann Anon

1:37 pm  
Anonymous Johnners said...

Made me stop feeling cross with mine and remember why it is I love them so very much. Thanks.

I notice the Devil didn't mention chess - is all that passe now then?

8:05 pm  
Blogger Northern Snippet said...

I thought a Chesterfield was a sofa?
Specifically designed for Victorian gentlemen's drinking clubs,the buttoned back rest not intended for comfort but as an additional seating bench for ease of conversation?
I may be wrong of course.

11:56 pm  
Blogger Nicky said...

How lovely.

4:03 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: Classy as ever.

Ali: Like I've said, it wasn't like it was even the best day EVER or anything. And thank you.

TSB: It was only pretend. And no, the church tried with me, but it didn't really take.

whatkate: Mmm. I'm sure you can imagine the delight of FFD.

Ann: 'Nowt' indeed. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

Johnners: My pleasure. I know it's easy to forget but I see them rarely so I suppose it all becomes a bit more precious. And it's Death rocking it with the chess.

N.S: HELLO! You're quite right, but it's also a brand of 'posh' American cigarettes.

Nicky: Hello, thank you and welcome.

8:49 pm  
Blogger Northern Snippet said...

I'm definitely not posh,and sadly never smoked since the Capstan menthol cigs incident in my late teens which resulted in life long tobacco intolerance:(

9:36 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

It would have been the menthol that put you off, no doubt.

8:19 pm  

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