Thursday, August 22, 2013


I approach the bar of the ale-house I have met some old friends in, slightly giddy with the odd experience of being neither in my office nor my home and of being surrounded by people I have a genuine fondness for.

Slightly Attractive Barmaid: What can I get you?

Me: A pint of Strong Drink, please.

I’m not entirely sure what ‘banter’ is. It seems to have a bad reputation. However, I’m feeling a bit excitable so decide now is the time to give it a whirl.

Me: Oh, and can I have it in a normal straight glass and not one of those vases?

SAB: You don’t like the chalices?

Me: No. I’ve quite small hands and the weight and balance feels weird and I always end-up spilling some.

She glances at me with professional polite dis-interest. I ‘up my game’.

Me: Plus, they look gay.

SAB: [Giving me a contemptuous look] I’d have stuck with the ‘small hands’ story were I you.

Me: [Warming to this now, resting my elbows on the bar] Well. You know what they say – ‘small hands, small…...’ Ah. Erm.

She gazes at me blankly and places my drink in front of me.

Me: *sigh* Sorry. Forget that. It didn’t work. I…erm. Thanks.

I turn to walk away with my drink.


Me: [Startled, slopping Strong Drink everywhere] Christ. Yes. Sorry.

Transaction complete, I return to the table of old friends – who have thankfully been out of earshot – and put my drink down.

Old Friend#1: [Cheerfully] Alright, then?

Me: Fuck off, will you?

I go outside for a cigarette. As I close the door I hear:

Old Friend#2: He hasn’t changed.


Anonymous looby said...

Maybe you were too cold--I mean, maybe you should have had another go after the third or fourth pint. Mind you I did foresdee trouble ahead when you said you were going to try some banter, as if it can be wheeled out to order.

9:48 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

Obviously she was playing hard to get.

8:25 pm  
Blogger BDM said...

Cheers me right up to hear ineptitude being expressed, therapeutic one hopes. Inspiring, wot? Then the usual nasty nazi-regulated smoke-outside interruption. Get a smoke circle going.

5:15 am  
Anonymous jonathan said...

No, I agree with Looby. Easy banter with slightly attractive barmaids is like prowess at the pool table.. a pub skill for which there's a fleeting window of opportunity, from about three pints in until half way through the fifth. We'll give you a tutorial some time for the price of a couple (well maybe six) pints of strong ale each, and you can consider it a bargain.

11:08 pm  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

I'm crap at the easy banter. I end up talking about the weather. Although now that I am older I have added to my repetoire with tales about my health :-D

Ali x

4:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "Recent on Twitter" widget on your website reads negative 1 clicks for this current post.

How on earth...?


5:31 am  
Anonymous Robin said...

Eh. Lesbian.

12:00 pm  

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