Banter.
I approach
the bar of the ale-house I have met some old friends in, slightly giddy with
the odd experience of being neither in my office nor my home and of being
surrounded by people I have a genuine fondness for.
Slightly
Attractive Barmaid: What can I get you?
Me: A pint
of Strong Drink, please.
I’m not
entirely sure what ‘banter’ is. It seems to have a bad reputation. However, I’m
feeling a bit excitable so decide now is the time to give it a whirl.
Me: Oh, and
can I have it in a normal straight glass and not one of those vases?
SAB: You
don’t like the chalices?
Me: No.
I’ve quite small hands and the weight and balance feels weird and I always
end-up spilling some.
She glances
at me with professional polite dis-interest. I ‘up my game’.
Me: Plus,
they look gay.
SAB:
[Giving me a contemptuous look] I’d have stuck with the ‘small hands’ story
were I you.
Me:
[Warming to this now, resting my elbows on the bar] Well. You know what they
say – ‘small hands, small…...’ Ah. Erm.
She gazes
at me blankly and places my drink in front of me.
Me: *sigh*
Sorry. Forget that. It didn’t work. I…erm. Thanks.
I turn to
walk away with my drink.
SAB: [To my back] THAT’S
THREE POUNDS FIFTY.
Me:
[Startled, slopping Strong Drink everywhere] Christ. Yes. Sorry.
Transaction
complete, I return to the table of old friends – who have thankfully been out
of earshot – and put my drink down.
Old
Friend#1: [Cheerfully] Alright, then?
Me: Fuck
off, will you?
I go
outside for a cigarette. As I close the door I hear:
posted by Tired Dad at
8:44 pm
8 Comments:
Maybe you were too cold--I mean, maybe you should have had another go after the third or fourth pint. Mind you I did foresdee trouble ahead when you said you were going to try some banter, as if it can be wheeled out to order.
Obviously she was playing hard to get.
Cheers me right up to hear ineptitude being expressed, therapeutic one hopes. Inspiring, wot? Then the usual nasty nazi-regulated smoke-outside interruption. Get a smoke circle going.
No, I agree with Looby. Easy banter with slightly attractive barmaids is like prowess at the pool table.. a pub skill for which there's a fleeting window of opportunity, from about three pints in until half way through the fifth. We'll give you a tutorial some time for the price of a couple (well maybe six) pints of strong ale each, and you can consider it a bargain.
I'm crap at the easy banter. I end up talking about the weather. Although now that I am older I have added to my repetoire with tales about my health :-D
Ali x
The "Recent on Twitter" widget on your website reads negative 1 clicks for this current post.
How on earth...?
-Jenertia
Eh. Lesbian.
Nice blog posst
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