Routine
“You can’t hear the dog or anything can you?”
My new next door neighbour and I meet in the back lane. I’ve
long decided that he and his other half seem quite pleasant.
“No I can’t hear a thing. The walls are pretty sturdy I
think.”
He seems happy with this and I return to my home after
putting the bins out. We both know he isn't talking about the dog.
The Sunday routine (all times are approximate and do vary) of
my new neighbours consists of:
10.00am – 11.00am: Not for a full hour (that would be insane) but at least
twenty-to-thirty minutes spent giving each other ten-nowt.
Vocally. My word they thoroughly make the best of it. On the day of our Lord no
less.
11.00am – 12.00pm: A good hour of acoustic guitar strumming
and soulful man-singing. He’s feeling understandably chilled and wanting to
express his inner-self.
12.00pm – 1.00pm: Mid-eighties power ballads blasted at more
than usual volume. I assume this is the choice of the lady of the house after
having to tolerate a solid hour of ‘man-feels’. Usually consists of Fleetwood
Mac. Some Peter Gabriel thrown-in to mix it up a bit.
1.00pm – 2.30pm: During summer months this involves the lady
of the house sitting on her patio in the back yard speaking very loudly to who (whom?) I assume to be her mother in a broad
Wiltshire accent. Subject of conversation tends to begin with “I’ve had three
bottles of rose already”.
2.30pm – 5.00pm: What I only assume to be Call Of Duty or
similar being played on whatever console with a full hi-fi kit – it genuinely sounds
like the Gulf War is happening again next to my sitting-room.
5.00pm – 8.00pm: General dog yapping as I imagine it’s not a
fan of human heterosexual sex, gaming, appalling guitar strumming,
binge-drinking or power-ballads and could do with a bit of attention before everyone
passes-out.
8.00pm – Rest Of The Week: Peaceful.
And if I'm honest it would grieve me but I quite like them and I genuinely think
there are probably worse ways to spend one’s Sundays.