Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Electric Mayhem.

Interior. Day.

Human Resourses Office.

HR Lady: Good afternoon Mr.Dad. I assume you know why you're here?

Me: Is it because I've done something good?

HRL:Sarcasm does not go very far here Mr.Dad.

Me: Right.

HRL: Are you familiar with an employee named Dr.Teeth?

Me: Oh for fu-

HRL: We will not tolerate profanity in this office Mr.Dad. This is Human Resources, not some dandy devil-may-care office enviroment that is concerned with real work. So. If you please.

Me: Let's hear it then.

HRL: Very well. You understand that part of our group company policy - as with any employers of calibre -is to ensure a safe and secure working enviroment for our employees?

Me: Ok then.

HRL: Mmm. This extends to physical assualt from co-workers.

Me: Oh the pussy, he hasn't actually put in a complai-

HRL: ENOUGH. This policy not only extends to physical well-being but also includes any psychologi- DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME OR PULL THAT FACE - any psychological damage that employees may suffer at the hands of co-workers.

Me: Right.

HRL: Have you anything to say?

Me: Am I right in thinking that this meeting is entirely imaginery? And that it may never occur?

HRL: Yes.

Me: Then not really. No.

Two days previously. Previous to this imaginary conversation.

I return to my desk after much important walking around.


I round on Uncannily Similar and Grotbags. They deny knowledge. I do not bother with Other Colleague as he has previously referred to me as a 'frightening psychopath' and as such I doubt he'd have the courage.

(Note to any new readers. I am neither frightening nor a psychopath but tend to be surrounded by weaklings who are easily intimidated. I do not believe myself to be 'hard' is the point I am making. I'm 5'8" and 8 stone.)

This leaves Dr. Teeth.

Me: Where's my chocolate Teeth?

DT: What? Hahahah.

Me: You fucking heard. Do I look like I'm in the fucking mood for this. Fucking do I?

DT: Don't know what you're on about mate. And what's with the teeth thing-

Me: You're not my fucking mate and you look like the fucking band-leader off of the Muppet Show and where is my fucking chocolate?

Grotbags: Jesus Tired. Why don't you take your face for a shit?

I ignore her. She's a good friend but fuck her. I want my chocolate.

Me: This isn't fucking funny. You. You fucking-Jim-Henson-Creature-Workshop-looking twat, where is it?

Before I recieve an answer I lose my peripheral vision, grab the nearest thing to me and throw it.

Fortunately it turns out to be a half-full bottle of mineral water. (Actually it is a mineral water bottle filled with tap-water. This is because I like to Keep It Real and Stick It To The Man.) It glances off his chin and hits the floor with a satisfying 'flopple' sound.

He got off lightly. It could have been a hole-punch. I knew someone who threw staplers without looking at the potential target so I think I'm fine.

Dr.Teeth: You fucking twat. I've fucking decked people for less than that.

Me: Yeah? Big words, especially coming from a medical man. You're not even looking me in the eye.

Uncannily Similar: I wasn't sure when I saw that it said 'Not For Girls' on the wrapper. But I think you deserve it back. Here's your Yorkie bar. It was me.

Me: You cocking fucking cock.

US: How's it going anyway? The whole 'quit smoking' thing?

Me: Fuck off.

Another Book Thing!

How exciting!

This one's for one-armed transsexuals or something!

Oh I'm sorry. It'll be for a very good cause I'm sure and I'm in it when I get round to it so that's ok.

Perhaps I should stop pretending that I'm not flattered.

I've seen the list of people in it and it'll be very good so purchase it if you can.

I've agreed to give this some sort of link but I can't be doing twatting about with HTML text so the best anyone's getting is this:

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Dr. Teeth.

I don't begrudge the man his happiness. I wouldn't. I've been there. Your first-born is beyond words.

But this is a place of work. We are neither his friends nor his family. There are many yet to decide if they even like him. I am not one of them. Please DIE SOON.

It's like this:

No-one gives one iota of a WANK about your screaming child. You adore her. I'm sure she is lovely. My daughter was and is. But you work in a department populated by those that have written the manual. At least twice.

I begrudged 'putting-in' for the 'office gift' that left me five pounds the poorer to celebrate the fact that you had ejaculated into your wife. I would gladly have bought HER anything she wanted the poor cow, but not you. You spent it on a Playstation 3 game. Probably the only one available. It's a toy. A toy for adults. You are fucked.

Dr. Teeth: Done this before I suppose Tired?

Yes. YES. I have. Please cease to exist.

But it goes on.

Dr. Teeth: She had hair! Hahahahah.

Astounding. You'll be telling us she had a head next.

Oh it's just the clatter. Every single phone call, every single conversation.

Dr. Teeth: Fine. Bit tired though. Hard work waking the missus up when the bairn's crying in the night hahahha. You'd think she'd been at work all day hahahaha.

If you want some peace so badly have you thought about KILLING YOURSELF?

And I'm loving the belching competitions you seem to be having with yourself.

Dr. Teeth: Seven seconds. Had to be. That was a seven-seconder do you reckon Tired hahahah. Can't do this at home now. Not with the little-un hahahaha. Got any porn? Hahahaha.


Oh fuck. He's on the phone again. 'Hello client. Sorry about being so totally ineffectual for the past six months - the total time I've worked here - but. The thing is. It's not that I'm shit at my job, which I am, it's because my wife gave birth to my drunken fumble so now the world has to be entranced by the fact that I can maintain an erection and spunk-up. Because I'm brilliant. What? The wife? Dunno. Moans a lot. But anyway I've a child now so you must see me in a new light. That of not being an ineffectual cunt.'

There's much of that. And some of this:

Dr. Teeth: I'll be looking after your account now, so it's me that'll be ripping you off from now on hahahah.

Genius. The client will fall in love with you now. Will probably dedicate all of her media spend with you on the strength of that. Well done. YOU FUCKING COCK. Have you told her about your wailing kid yet you TWAT.

Dr. Teeth: She's two weeks old now. All the noise is putting me off my beer hahahahah.

Honestly. Just. You know. It couldn't get any worse.....

Dr. Teeth: Her tits look GREAT now but I'm dreading the downfall hahahahahah.


A female colleague walks past.

Dr. Teeth: Hey Tired. Would you smack that?

He does not wait for an answer.

Dr. Teeth: I'm getting broadband delivered today. I'll soon have the porno-net hahahaha. Sky TV's rubbish, I want to see it going in and out hahahaha.

It'll end in tears.
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