It’s the only way to explain it.
Lunchtime today; I am in the chemist purchasing some sort of treatment for Blonde Colleague’s ‘water problems’ as she doesn’t like to answer the searching questions regarding her ‘lady-plumbing’ whenever she has to buy it. I am not fond of strangers thinking that it is I
who have a urinary-tract infection, but this seems to be a moot point.Cashier:
So how are you anyway?Me:
Mmm? Oh. Erm. Fine. Aaah. Yourself
Ohhh. You know meee….
I just get on with it don’t I?
Perhaps she does. I really don’t know.Me:
Anyway. What are you like
? Have you lost your Boots card again?Me:
It wasn’t mine and-Cashier:
Here you go. [Does some weird thing with a pretend loyalty card and laser scanner then hands it to me] All set now. You know I take care of you. See you later yeah?
I leave the chemist feeling slightly befuddled and raise my eyebrows at a Random Woman who smiles at me like she knows me. I proceed to the newsagent for my cigarettes.Newsagent:
Thought you’d quit HAHAHAHA!Me:
I've never laid eyes on him.Newsagent:
You must need these with your ‘not stressful’ job HAHAHAHAHA!
He has appalling halitosis and I wish he were not laughing so hard. In my face.Newsagent:
‘Spose you’re just glad to HAVE a job the way things are going at your place HAHAHAHA!
How does he know where I work and what I do for a living? I pay for my cigarettes and leave my new best friend the Newsagent. Upon arriving at the door of my building I hold the door open for another Random Woman.
“Thanks Tired.” She says. How does she know my name?
I walk down a long corridor grinding my teeth. Yet another Random Woman is heading toward me.Random Woman:
[As if she’s known me for years] What’s the weather like out there?Me:
[Feeling sure she could have utilized a little-known device called ‘a window’] Oh. Erm. Not raining. Not cold.RW:
I get back to my office with some relief. Everyone here has known me for years – there will be few pleasantries. Thank God.
I think for a bit. I’m a rational man, but it can only be. There is some sort of ‘anti-me’ out there, being all ‘friendly’ and ‘gregarious’ all over the place and making strangers think they can talk to me as if they know me.
This will not do. And I have absolutely no idea how to fix this. I can’t be stuck in some sort of hell-hole of casual cheerfulness with people I don’t care about. That would be awful. What if everyone starts thinking I’m ‘approachable’? Christ.
I sit at my desk.
Did you get…… you know.Me:
There you go.BC:
Did you get my deodorant too?Me:
*SIGH* Yeah. Here.BC:
What the fuck is this?Me:
[Squinting at the can] ‘Cotton Flower’.BC:
Cotton fucking Flower? I’m a ‘Sensual Blossom’ girl!Me:
They didn’t have any.BC:
Did you ask?
Why do women always say that?Me:
No I didn’t ask. Do you know why? Because it’s not important to me
. I’d have got some ‘Unbearable Hermaphrodite Who Keeps Forgetting To Take Her Mood Stabilisers’ but they were all out of that as well. Should I have asked if they had also
stockpiled that in a secret location purely to annoy you
This could go either way. We both start cackling at each other. It’s fine.
I instantly feel better and stop worrying about the doppelganger. No matter how hard he tries to fool people into thinking that I’m an acceptable person, die-hard bastards like this will never have the wool pulled over their eyes.