Friday, August 04, 2006

Tales From the Pub # 1

For reasons best known to myself, I have been spending more time than is probably healthy In The Pub.

I am sipping a drink. Staring out the window across the valley. Grateful of the opportunity to be Not Thinking for a while.

Across the bar from me are three men.

You know the type. They were probably born in The Pub. Fifties probably. As broad as they are tall. Too many shirt buttons undone. No neck (Darwinian – that beer has to reach the stomach VERY quickly). Bald. Red face.

Pub Man1
: Had one of theym fuckin’ phone calls last neet. [Adopts Jim Davison-style Asian accent] ‘Hello my name is Nigel. Could I speak to the person who deals with your utilities?’

PM2: Awwww. Haway.

PM1: Ah naw. Telt him to fuck off.

PM3: They’re not really called Nigel ya naw. Bah. Get paid a few foosand a yar and they want to fuckin’ BE us.

PM2: Sleepin’ giant.

PM3: Eh?

PM1: [He is obviously the ringleader and voice of authority] Sleeping Dragon he means.

PM3: Oh.

PM2 remains silent, clearly embarrassed about his lack of knowledge regarding world affairs.

PM1: [Warming to his subject] Aye. China like. We’ve given them a taste. Mistake. They’ll want the lot soon. [Drags on cigarette] Aye. They’ll tek us ower. Ya naw [leans forward in a conspiratorial manner] if all the Pakis in China jumped up and doon at the same time………THE BERLIN WALL WOULD FALL DOON!

His companions nod sagely at this astonishing piece of information.

I struggle to pop my eyes back into their sockets. And prevent my brain from doing cart-wheels and escaping through my ears.

I stub out my half-smoked cigarette.

Pub Man begins explaining to his companions that ‘the blacks’ are destroying this town’s economy and that he suspects ‘the Italians’ are involved.

Or ‘the Poles’. I forget which. I was in a hurry to be somewhere else.

I finish my drink and leave.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

What pub did you go to? The Fuhrer?

Strange tho, my old man used to think that chinese folk would take over the world. He swore it was in the bible. He never read the bible, but ingeted this knowledge from beer.

1:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha italians run tha world u jsut dint figgure it out yet

3:56 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

lol. I don't *do* witty comments

11:22 am  
Blogger Amanda said...

sorry that sounds negetive. lol at your post. I don't do the witty comments like your other readers.

11:29 am  
Blogger monicker said...

Hmm. There are several seedy bars in my town that contain a trio such as you mentioned. They must be requisite.

11:13 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

RD: It seems to be a common side-effect of booze. I hate spliff-heads, but at least they tend to fall asleep before talking REAL shite.

PuppyGuy: Let me guess. 'You lookin' at me?'

Amanda: Nor does anyone else. Shouldn't worry.

Amanda: Honestly. Shouldn't worry. Actually that's not fair. Both RD and PuppyFella are regularly quite amusing. I take it back. WORRY.(not really)

Monicker: Welcome. It does seem to be the norm. I don't think you can get a liquor license without demonstrating that you have access to the Three Beerman of the Apocalapyse and the aforementioned Old Guy At The End Of The Bar.

3:12 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

I've been in that pub. I was probably one of the old farts babblin'

9:21 pm  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

I'm fucking witty too, aren't I? Glad you're back, by the way. Missing you, y'know. A bit.

10:57 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: I hope not.

*: Fear not. You are terribly amusing. And thanks. You know, in a non-gay way.

12:28 am  

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