Conversations With My Sister.
We are In The Pub. It is our second drink, the one that ensures that Everything Makes Sense. Unless you are drinking with my sister.
We have some chat as to whether or not this is a sweeping statement or a blanket statement. After some consultation (two drinks remember) we decide it is a Magic Carpet statement. Something about sweeping under carpets and something else. It made sense at the time. It always does.
Me: What do you mean?
Sis: Well. You know.
It occurs to me that as she is happy to have this tentative conversation with me, I must not qualify as a 'bloke'.
In my sister's eyes, I am 'non-male'.
I am unsure as to whether this is good or bad. My sister has lots of fit mates. Does she also tell them that I am non-male?
Sis: [Suddenly brandishing mobile phone] I just got a bit of wee on my leg when I went to the toilet.
Me: I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING SEE THAT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Sis: Keep your voice down. I've got a picture of the bridesmaid's dress I have to wear next week on my phone. I wouldn't take a picture of wee on my leg. Well. I would. But I wouldn't show it to you. You spastic.
Me: You can't say 'spastic'. It isn't funny anymore.
Sis: Yes it is.
Me: You've got me there.
I look at the picture.
Me: You actually look like a woman in that.
Sis: [As astonished as me] I know!
Sis: Aye. Men. They're rubbish.
I have no great arguement. I spend three whole seconds thinking about all the great things men do, but they all centre around discovering the world is not flat and stuff. Things that do not ring true when you are talking to a woman.
Sis: I need a new challenge. A new game.
Me: Other than Men?
Me: Honestly. You're worn out with the whole Men thing? You've done the lot?
I believe her.
Sis: They're just- You know. [I don't] So Easy. It's dead obviouse. They're really simple and boring. I get bored and then I break them.
We retire for a cigarette and I re-consider my Sister as we smoke.
Sis: What should I do?
Me: Well. You've discounted the male of our own species. Have you considered rattlesnakes?
Sis: [Suddenly resembling shit comic strip character 'Nemi' from rubbish Metro newspaper] Oooh.
There is some thought and some drinking.
Sis: Maybe that's setting my sights too high.
Me: What do you mean? In the whole 'come to me pretty snake, let me make you mine like I do all the boys OUCH oh you've BIT me and now I will DIE' way?
Sis: Yeah. Like that.
Sis: I need a shit.