Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It Gets Worse.

Today.

Blonde Colleague: Right. That’s it!

She’s just ended a telephone call with Insane Client and is glaring at me.

BC: You’re having her back!

Me: No, I don’t want-

BC: I’M GIVING THE ACCOUNT BACK TO YOU AND THAT’S IT. SHE’S NUTS.

Me: I know, that’s why-

BC: I’m not even listening.

Occasionally we have clients that are not fond of our credit-checking procedure and will pay for our services over the telephone by credit-card instead. Insane Client is one of these. Blonde Colleague has just phoned her to attempt taking payment:

Blonde Colleague: So if I can just take your card number…

Insane Client: Why? Don’t you know it?

BC: Um. Well, no.

IC: *sigh* Why not? I just gave it to you last week. You should know it. I don’t see why I should have to tell you every week.

BC: We don’t keep that sort of information. You know. For security?

IC: *sigh* Well I really don’t ….. this is all….

BC: If I could just take the number then I’ll get things moving ….

IC: *sigh* This is very …. 079-

BC: Hold on. That’s not the right number.

IC: What? How do you know? Of course it is.

BC: Credit card numbers never start with zero. You must have the wrong one.

IC: This is confusing me. Of course it’s right. This is very confusing.

BC: Look-

IC: 079-

BC: That really isn’t right.

IC: [volume and tone of hysteria increasing with each syllable] Of course it is! 079 [proceeds to loudly recite an eleven-digit number].

BC: [Quietly stunned for a moment or two] Insane? That’s your mobile phone number.

IC: WHY ARE YOU CONFUSING ME? THIS IS - AAARGH! [Slams phone down].

Blonde Colleague is having no more of this and is glaring at me as though I were personally responsible for this woman’s psychosis. Professional Wendy was meant to be handling this crackers account but gave it up because – well, because he’s a Wendy. It gets given to me. “You’re good with these people Tired,” I am informed. “All the crazies like you. It’s as though you speak their language or something.”

I give it a couple of hours. Then pick up the phone.

Me: Hello is that Insane?

Insane Client: [immediately suspicious and adversarial] WHO IS THIS?

Me: It’s Tired from the Department-

IC: OH NONONONONONO I DON’T NEED A TALK TODAY- [slams phone down].

I shrug apologetically at Blonde Colleague. She rolls her eyes. I notice the Fucking New Kid hovering by my desk. He has a DVD in his hand.

Fucking New Kid: You were saying on Friday you wanted to see this? You can borrow it if you want.

Great. We’re ‘mates’ now, obviously.

23 Comments:

Anonymous Em said...

I don't think it's appropriate that you be friends with Fucking New Kid - you might murder him.

11:28 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

I'm just saying.

11:54 pm  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

Oh just kill the little shit.

I think I'm related to the female nutter.

Whenever I call the bank/building society/Prudential/credit card company/debit card company/insurance company they ask "What is your security code?" and I invariably have no idea.

I then have to change my code into something else I will readily forget.

You work for one of these shithead companies?

If I didn't like you I'd fucking hate you.

My memorable name is SATAN!!!!

They wouldn't accept that..."But I can at least remember it!!"

Nope.

Idiots.

12:01 am  
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3:33 am  
Blogger Shane said...

And in no time, Fucking New Kid became He Who Shows The Way - an ethereal presence who would cut through the shit and generally be above it all. And hard though it was to accept it, you quite admired the fact that nothing seemed to concern him.

But the dvd turned out to be shit, as you had higher hopes for America's Most Mental Serial Killers.

9:57 am  
Blogger Pueblo girl said...

Love it! Every time you write about insane clients/tedious colleagues, you get insane/tedious anonymous comments - do you think they know you're here?

10:26 am  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

Girlie - I'm not entirely sure he knows he's here...

9:20 pm  
Blogger Lil Miss said...

I nearly wet myself reading this. Thank you very much for making me laugh so hard on such a spectacularly shitty day!

9:53 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: For God's sake I am not- Right. I'm not playing anymore.

Dinners: I shan't be killing anyone as I am not a - Whatever. You'll be relieved to hear that I don't work for a bank, just a company that occasionally require people to pay for the things we do for them. A lot of people seem to have trouble with this.

Anon: Thanks for this. I'll check out your website - sure to be useful. Christ. Am I going to have to turn on the spam-filter-thing that I don't know how to work?

Shane: It was Gran Torino as it turns out and I can't make up my mind. Great if you're an Eastwood fan, deeply suspect if not. And he'd only just come down from the second floor so missed the general lunacy and had also made a special trip because he believes I am his 'friend'. Grrr.

PB: Perhaps. I'm still figuring out IP addresses and that. May have to be tiresome word-verification from now on I'm afraid.

Dinners: Yeah, alright.

Miss: Thank you. Really.

10:54 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ola, what's up amigos? :)
In first steps it's very nice if somebody supports you, so hope to meet friendly and helpful people here. Let me know if I can help you.
Thanks and good luck everyone! ;)

8:56 am  
Blogger Shane said...

Came down from the second floor?... Christ man, that's serious. I hope things ease up a bit. You don't need - fuck it, no one needs - that kind of pressure. Maybe worth telling him to fuck off and die?

2:20 pm  
Blogger Sewmouse said...

This is the best of reasons why you should take up accountancy as your career. Numbers are boring. Numbers do not talk back. Numbers do what they are supposed to do, and if they don't, you can ERASE them and make them do it correctly without fear of being hauled off to the authorities for "numbericide".

7:51 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

TD, are you Anon? I only ask because it's all starting to make sense now...

8:17 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

Aw Tired Kid, you should learn to go with it, that's what i used to do in the demented ward, it was loads of fun,too.

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