It Gets Worse.
Blonde Colleague: Right. That’s it!
She’s just ended a telephone call with Insane Client and is glaring at me.
BC: You’re having her back!
Me: No, I don’t want-
BC: I’M GIVING THE ACCOUNT BACK TO YOU AND THAT’S IT. SHE’S NUTS.
Me: I know, that’s why-
BC: I’m not even listening.
Occasionally we have clients that are not fond of our credit-checking procedure and will pay for our services over the telephone by credit-card instead. Insane Client is one of these. Blonde Colleague has just phoned her to attempt taking payment:
Blonde Colleague: So if I can just take your card number…
Insane Client: Why? Don’t you know it?
BC: Um. Well, no.
IC: *sigh* Why not? I just gave it to you last week. You should know it. I don’t see why I should have to tell you every week.
BC: We don’t keep that sort of information. You know. For security?
IC: *sigh* Well I really don’t ….. this is all….
BC: If I could just take the number then I’ll get things moving ….
IC: *sigh* This is very …. 079-
BC: Hold on. That’s not the right number.
IC: What? How do you know? Of course it is.
BC: Credit card numbers never start with zero. You must have the wrong one.
IC: This is confusing me. Of course it’s right. This is very confusing.
BC: That really isn’t right.
IC: [volume and tone of hysteria increasing with each syllable] Of course it is! 079 [proceeds to loudly recite an eleven-digit number].
BC: [Quietly stunned for a moment or two] Insane? That’s your mobile phone number.
IC: WHY ARE YOU CONFUSING ME? THIS IS - AAARGH! [Slams phone down].
Blonde Colleague is having no more of this and is glaring at me as though I were personally responsible for this woman’s psychosis. Professional Wendy was meant to be handling this crackers account but gave it up because – well, because he’s a Wendy. It gets given to me. “You’re good with these people Tired,” I am informed. “All the crazies like you. It’s as though you speak their language or something.”
I give it a couple of hours. Then pick up the phone.
Me: Hello is that Insane?
Insane Client: [immediately suspicious and adversarial] WHO IS THIS?
Me: It’s Tired from the Department-
IC: OH NONONONONONO I DON’T NEED A TALK TODAY- [slams phone down].
I shrug apologetically at Blonde Colleague. She rolls her eyes. I notice the Fucking New Kid hovering by my desk. He has a DVD in his hand.
Fucking New Kid: You were saying on Friday you wanted to see this? You can borrow it if you want.
Great. We’re ‘mates’ now, obviously.