Saturday, February 06, 2010

Lunatic Asylum.

I have a job, and a tiresome by-product of this job is that I am required to speak to people. As some of these people are 'clients' it means I also have to speak to them pleasantly. This would not be a problem for most normal people, but unfortunatly for me I am a divining rod for mentalists.

I used to think that this only applied to my personal life, but it seems that it has extended itself to the workplace also. I do not know if this is good or bad. However, it does mean that I spend much of my working day speaking to the sort of people who occupy themselves of an evening by howling at the moon whilst masturbating over photographs of wellington boots. Or something.

With one exception.

I have been out of the office for a few days, and in my absense the following telephone conversation takes place:

Blonde Colleague [answering telephone]: Good afternoon, you're through to the Department.

Insane Client: Oh. Oh. Hello. Um. Could I speak to Tired please? I normally deal with him.

Insane Client has long been the bane of my life, and when not being irretrievably difficult, slamming the phone down for no good reason, informing me that alien visitors to our planet show no respect for God (a genuinely true conversation) and sagely informing me that we are, in fact, 'not robots' (yes, she did mean it in a literal sense) probably fills her days making papier mache cats to keep her imaginary ones company.

BC: I'm sorry, he's on holiday at the moment. Can I help?

IC: I'm sure you can. It's just .... how long has he been away?

BC: Oh, just a couple of days.

IC: Right. Right. Well. Anyway, could you .... do you know where he's gone?

BC: He didn't say. How can I help?

IC: He didn't? It's just .... well, there's been a couple of murders.

BC: ....What?

IC: In the papers. Did you not read? Not too far from here.

BC: Riiight...

IC: I'm just saying. You have to admit it's a bit odd. Him being off work at the same time.

BC: ..........Err.

IC: I'm not accusing him of anything, it's just ...... well, it seems strange is all.

BC: Ok then. Anyway, what can I-

IC: Actually is it alright if I just deal with you now? Like I say, I'm sure he had nothing to do with it, but .....


To this day the client in question has refused to speak to me. Her and the woman who won't deal with me because she doesn't think I'm suitably sympathetic when she tells me in detail about her hormone-replacement therapy makes two, now I think about it. The only thing I now have left to do is to push the sanity envelope of the rest of them and then I shan't have to speak to anyone at all.

Brilliant.

33 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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10:35 pm  
Blogger amphimacer said...

I used to have a job that involved talking with clients, and even dealing with them face-to-face when they came in, which was mercifully seldom. Now I have what is much the same job except there are "customer service" representatives, who earn less than I do and serve as middlemen (and women) between the clients and everyone else. This victory has made my life a merry melody of cursing at clients with impunity. The next step is to find someone else to do my work, and then I will get paid for cursing the clients, like the top brass. But they will never retire, since they earn more than anyone else and do nothing useful at all. There's a life lesson here, but I'm cursing too loudly to hear it.

3:57 am  
Blogger Ellie said...

Well, the Internet is full of crazies. And just might be a whole new source for you. Easier to ignore I suppose.

12:52 pm  
Blogger Pueblo girl said...

So, was it you?

1:38 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Anon: Sound advice.

Amph: I don't strive toward doing nothing useful, but not having to deal with the general populace sounds lovely.

Ellie: Strangely this has mostly remained a crazy-free zone. Mostly. We'll see.

PB: Oddly I do not spend my days off out a-murdering. Contrary to the belief of people who really shouldn't be running their own businesses.

5:24 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

I've completely lost my train of thought due to fact that Anon has blown me away with such wisdom - Keep Distance from fried foods for a week. That is worthy of a billboard. Although what do you do if fried foods start following you? Do you run? How big a Distance?

I think it's lovely the crazies are drawn to you. And obviously quite perturbed that you might be a murderer.

9:25 pm  
Blogger Shane said...

I happen to have no dietary advice, but I too did find much useful information here, in your community.

I hadn't thought to be so sensitive to those who I speak to on the phone. In future, I will be mindful that I'm speaking to more than just a voice, but a potential murderer. Naturally, I will be very polite. Wouldn't want to goad anyone.

10:38 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

brilliant as usual,kid.

7:32 am  
Blogger Four Dinners said...

I'm with Anon....

er...can I have your phone number please?

...or alternatively how much to murder my mother?

6:19 pm  
Blogger Lil Miss said...

Wow.... I would be genuinely worried about her! 'Alien visitors show no respect for god' Just.. wow... Maybe SHE did the murders

7:03 pm  
Blogger Carnalis said...

perhaps you should always have an alibi, just in case.

8:32 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: I, however, do not think it 'lovely' that our nations Fruit Loops adore me so - and it does make me wonder what it is they see in me.

I am not a murderer.

Shane: Best to be cautious I suppose.

I am not a murderer.

Punx: Thanks. Can't get enough of being referred to as 'kid' by the way.

Dinners: I am not a murderer.

Lil: The 'space alien' thing was a bit lost on me as my coping mechanism with this one is to not really listen too closely to what she's saying. Today's gem was -

'You might have trouble hearing me properly. It's my soup you see.' No further explanation was offered.

I don't think it WAS her, but it certainly wasn't me.

I am not a murderer.

C: I shan't need one.

I am not a murderer.

In case any members of law enforcement are reading or, indeed, the chap/chapess who keeps logging on to this site from the Houses of Parliament and spending obsessive amounts of time reading this drivel - should you not be busy helping run the country by the way - I would like to make one thing perfectly clear:

I am not a murderer.

Thank you.

9:29 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Mmm, most murderers would say that, wouldn't they.

9:41 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I AM NOT A MUR-

*sigh* There was that tramp that one time but they don't count.

9:43 pm  
Anonymous Jean said...

It's okay, TD. We all have that tramp we intentionally murdered in the dark of night back home. Cheer up. You dissolved the bones in lye, right?

2:57 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hello Jean and welcome. Deeply alarming though you seem to be.

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