Sunday, August 13, 2006

Tales From the Pub # 3

I Am In The Pub

It is at least eleven years ago.

On this occasion, I am actually behind the bar. I am talking to Garry The Mental.

Garry The Mental is very drunk. I am not worried.

[As any good barman will know, there are drunks to worry about, and drunks to not. Garry The Mental was not. The drunks to worry about are not such a big deal. If they get out of hand, you remove them, and they are so drunk by this stage that removing them is not difficult because they are so appallingly drunk that even if they did lash out they would miss. You grab them by their upper arm near the shoulder and dig your fingers in. It would hurt like fuck to a sober man. A proper drunkard merely gets the message. You then steer them out the door. If they kick-off before this, you slip your arms under their armpits and lace your fingers behind their neck. There is not a lot they can do at this point. I have had to do both on more than one occasion and it scared the shit out of me each time.]

GTM: Don’t tell anyone. [Looks around, as if he could see anything] I was in the SAS.

Me: Oh

GTM: I could jump out of your fridge at any time. Like Kato in the Pink Panther.

Me: I’ll look out for that. Would it be O.K. if I ask you to finish up now? Lot of clearing up to do and I’ve got to open up in the morning.

GTM: Yeah. You’re O.K. I’ll keep an eye out for you.

I had a look in my fridge that night just to be sure.

Several days later I am In The Pub with Sad Sack.

I do rather like Sad Sack. One of those men for whom life has just – well – he just hasn’t had one. And he doesn’t seem to mind too much.

And has the best record collection of anyone aside from John Peel.

I relate the Garry The Mental story. Sad Sack stiffens.

Sad Sack: I don’t like that.

Me: [jovial] I wasn’t too happy myself

Sad Sack: You know what I do for a living.

To explain. We lived in a fairly small city. It was unremarkable, but I liked it. It was a stones-throw away from the permanent base of the SAS. It wasn’t too far away from GCHQ. On the outskirts of the city, must of the work was from defence contractors, most of whom did work – indirectly – for the MOD.

Me: Erm. You work for a software design house?

SS: DO YOU THINK THAT? WHO KNOWS WHAT MY ALGORHYRIMS ARE BEEN USED FOR?? GARY THE MENTAL COULD BE A PLANT!! HE’S PROBABLY MI6!! HE'S USING YOU TO CHECK ME! I’VE SEEN CARS I DON’T RECOGNIZE OUTSIDE MY HOUSE! AND NOW YOU’VE SET GARRY THE MENTAL AND OBVIOUSLY MI5 ON ME!!! SHIT. SHIT!

Sad Sack called me the next morning and apologised. It was 1995.

I am fucking glad I do not frequent any pubs in that town now.

I finished my drink and left.

12 Comments:

Blogger * (asterisk) said...

Sounds scarily like my hometown. Everyone who was in the army said they were in the SAS, with the base there and all. Hmmm.

11:26 am  
Blogger Sir Stewart Wallace said...

What colour is the boat house roof then?

2:04 pm  
Blogger Amanda said...

:0) Used to know someone who claimed to be in the SBS (we he was younger) i aske him why was'nt anymore, he'd give one of those 'stares' and say "if I told you I'd have to kill you.." I never asked again!

9:19 pm  
Blogger Amanda said...

Feel free to correct typo's, (lack of sleep is my excuse)

9:48 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

*: No, it was the cathedral 'city' next door. In which everyone also claimed to be ex- 'sass' (as they insisted on calling it.

BB: You wanna talk about an ambush? I ambushed you with a cup of coffee.

A: Did you not just laugh?

10:42 pm  
Blogger Amanda said...

TD. NO he just looked too scary!!!!

11:18 pm  
Blogger Ranting Dullard said...

The SAS must have more members than the catholic church. All ex-service mentals I have worked with claimed to have been in it.

2:41 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

The 'sass' have - I am reliably informed by men in pubs who really REALLY were in it (they must have been, they call it 'sass') - a habit of just comandeering whatever battalion (or whatever) is nearest to assist them. Who all then claim to be 'sass' themselves.

I served James Fox sunday lunch once. I am an actor.

11:44 pm  
Blogger * (asterisk) said...

It's great, that "sass" pronunciation, isn't it? Yep, they all use it. You seen the film Ronin? Listen to the way Robert De Niro pronounces that sass town. Sad, really. Someone should've told him.

9:55 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Where's the pub? Where? I want to go there

9:04 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

*: Check the comments between myself and BB. Then watch the film again. *SIGH* Is it true that some people do not memorize every line of dialogue from substandard chase movies?

But yeah. Hear-ford indeed.

Dinners: You'd probably scare the shite out of them and they'd all start to cry like Sean Bean in Ronin (it seems to be the common point of reference in all this. Watch it. It's not shit. It's not good. But has a world-weary charm. TM the Guardian)

11:20 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work
» » »

10:51 am  

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