Danger Wank.
I am At Work.
It has been a long morning.
Not only have I had to pretend to do some work (which is genuinely quite draining) but I have actually been required to do some Real Work as well. It has involved some tele-phone calls and my clicking upon the mouse of a computing machine whilst saying things like:
'Time is a real issue here so ASAP otherwise we both have to actually speak to the client, which neither of us want.'
And trying hard not to feel like the world's biggest cunt.
Inbetween saying cuntish corporate-things on the phone, slamming through double-doors and sending people I briefly percieve as being less important than me flying, talking-down to people who probably have more qualifications yet earn a lower wage than me (and I have an MA from a real university) and generally being all 'executive' (it's on my business card, it must be true) I am approached by Thug Colleague.
(Regular readers may remember Thug and his Jim Davidson Humour. He is in his early twenties and as such still retains a sparkle of life in his eyes.)
TC: Allreet Tired like.
Me: Christ.
I instantly feel more weary than I did.
TC: How's it gannin?
Me: Worse now. What's up?
TC: Have you ever had a Danger Wank?
Many things have been darting through my mind that morning.
Will I get through the day without spazzing the wishes of half a dozen clients and fucking-off every single person I work with and burning whatever slender rope-bridges that are left between me and every department in the hideous conglomerate I work for?
Will my daughter ALWAYS love me? Will my son ever see me for what I am as I did my own father?
The very concept of a 'Danger Wank' has not been at the fore-front of my mind.
Me: [Resigned. I know from experience that it's best to get this over with] Define 'Danger Wank'.
TC: Reet. Well. When I was home from university-
Me: Seriously though. You went to university?
TC: Aye. You keep asking. Why?
Me: Really no reason. Anyway.
TC: Aye well. The point was. A 'Danger Wank' is when you're in your room, and you call your Mam, and you've got to tug it off and then clean up before she's got from the kitchen to your bedroom.
Silence.
I suddenly feel about six thousand years old.
It has been a long morning.
Not only have I had to pretend to do some work (which is genuinely quite draining) but I have actually been required to do some Real Work as well. It has involved some tele-phone calls and my clicking upon the mouse of a computing machine whilst saying things like:
'Time is a real issue here so ASAP otherwise we both have to actually speak to the client, which neither of us want.'
And trying hard not to feel like the world's biggest cunt.
Inbetween saying cuntish corporate-things on the phone, slamming through double-doors and sending people I briefly percieve as being less important than me flying, talking-down to people who probably have more qualifications yet earn a lower wage than me (and I have an MA from a real university) and generally being all 'executive' (it's on my business card, it must be true) I am approached by Thug Colleague.
(Regular readers may remember Thug and his Jim Davidson Humour. He is in his early twenties and as such still retains a sparkle of life in his eyes.)
TC: Allreet Tired like.
Me: Christ.
I instantly feel more weary than I did.
TC: How's it gannin?
Me: Worse now. What's up?
TC: Have you ever had a Danger Wank?
Many things have been darting through my mind that morning.
Will I get through the day without spazzing the wishes of half a dozen clients and fucking-off every single person I work with and burning whatever slender rope-bridges that are left between me and every department in the hideous conglomerate I work for?
Will my daughter ALWAYS love me? Will my son ever see me for what I am as I did my own father?
The very concept of a 'Danger Wank' has not been at the fore-front of my mind.
Me: [Resigned. I know from experience that it's best to get this over with] Define 'Danger Wank'.
TC: Reet. Well. When I was home from university-
Me: Seriously though. You went to university?
TC: Aye. You keep asking. Why?
Me: Really no reason. Anyway.
TC: Aye well. The point was. A 'Danger Wank' is when you're in your room, and you call your Mam, and you've got to tug it off and then clean up before she's got from the kitchen to your bedroom.
Silence.
I suddenly feel about six thousand years old.
posted by Tired Dad at
9:36 pm
53 Comments:
This must be the Monkey Face guy again. Am I right?
i just threw up in my mouth
i just threw up in my mouth
Missy: How did you guess?
Eliza: Really? Twice?
Good grief. How old is he? 12? And he thinks his mother didn't know exactly what he was doing?
Something tells me you haven't yet found the right environment in which to practise your special talents.
i am resolved to walk very slowly should my children call out loudly, just in case.
It is quite sweet that he equates that with 'danger'.
What a moron. Seriously, that's the kind of person that makes you feel highly evolved by comparison. Besides, a real 'danger wank' would be trying to tug one off whilst running through the Gaza Strip.
I was about to call him a wanker, but that's rather self evident.
You could have fun with him you know, set some "Danger" challenges. It would be worth paying off just to see if he goes through with it.
PS... the kids will ALWAYS love you, the trick is avoiding other emotions getting thrown into the mix...
Hello!
I have just rediscovered Tired Dad after a random link on my blog comments brought me here.
I take back everything I said about you. You are excellent.
*gets to fuck*
MM: Eh?
Me: Also ignore the grubby t-shirt/sock shoved down the side of their bed in the future.
M_G: That's a Suicide Wank you buffoon. Let the Micheal Hutchence jokes roll.
Boy: I am not setting grown men wanking challenges, as there is nothing *funny* about me. Oh and thanks.
Duck: Bugger. Erm. Hello.
You know when you're at school with someone and you think they're such a cock and then meet them again when you're all grown-up and they're actually ok?
You wrote a Star-Wars-Digest thing that literally made some snot come out.
I've not bothered since of course.
I'll keep the sub-title thing for a bit if you don't mind. It makes me smile.
I am not a random link ... but have been enjoying your most excellent blog for some time now.
Debster
Debs: Jesus if you're going to get offended by the phrase 'random link' I should stay away from the internet.
Thank you very nuch though.
I wanna meet this guy. He sounds like he'd be really good at chess.
Makes a girl hott. Two ts.
'Tug it off'.
Seems like he should call it the Oedipus Wank. Times like these, I'm grateful to work from home.
Gravy: Hello. Welcome.
Clarissa: He's single you know.
NWM: I know.
Franki: For your own Danger Wank?
I always thought a Danger Wank was security guards catching you at work red-ormaybenotreadbutatleastnotempty-handed, and ask for your ID...
Never happened to me.
Jesus.
More unpleasant things to do on tour
He's good Farty but not a son of god. Yet.
I feel much much older than that.
I may even be long dead.
Men are gross.
Your daughter WILL always love you, though, in years when Danger Wank Man is long forgotten. Well, probably. I think mine does. Unless I'm deluded. Which is possible. Don't know about sons.
new blog addy mate. Change as good as arrest?
Well, there's that too.
sigg: Yeah, it's always 'a friend' isn't it?
Farty: I know.
Dinners: You're too kind and I now how you feel.
London: But easily pleased it seems.
Daphne: It's the boy I worry most about to be honest.
Dinners: Gotcha.
Franki: Jesus. I was joking.
I never ever wanted to catch my kids jerking off...
ever never..
good thing I clomp around like a fucking budweiser clydesdale..
of course i just found out this year that teenagers use socks to wank in..
I am so naive..
I honestly thought my sons just had really crunchy foot sweat
Well? Have you ever had a danger wank?
I know somebody who is an authority on the subject. Perhaps it is the same person, although this is unlikely.
http://emsbabee.blog.co.uk/2007/03/27/danger_wanking~1984099
C: Oh bless you. 'Crunchy sweat'?
Ems: Welcome. I'd be amazed if it was, but not as amazed to hear that the 'Danger Wank' is actually quite commonplace.
well dried sweat..it can be crunchy no?
christ..when my oldest son was 15 i was just 30..cut me some slack..
I have 4 sisters and no brothers..i'm a wank moron.
'Wank Moron'. There's another post right there.
I am a very old lady, with grown-up children; attended university; have been married forever; have worked with children; have worked with both women and men, and I have never heard of a danger-wank before.
Gawd, my education has been sadly lacking.
Thank goodness for you, tired. Or, should it be thank goodness for the cretin you 'work' with?!
Tea: For some reason I am hesitant to use the phrase 'eye-opener'. But it was for me too. I've never really thought of masturbation as sport.
It is certainly interesting for me to read that blog. Thanx for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read more soon.
It is very interesting for me to read that article. Thanks for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more soon.
It is certainly interesting for me to read this article. Thanx for it. I like such themes and anything that is connected to them. I definitely want to read more soon.
By the number of definitions the term "danger-wank" has on UrbanDictionary, I'd say that at least in theory it's a popular concept amongst the youth.
Keep on posting such articles. I love to read stories like this. By the way add more pics :)
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