Monday, December 03, 2007

Danger Wank.

I am At Work.

It has been a long morning.

Not only have I had to pretend to do some work (which is genuinely quite draining) but I have actually been required to do some Real Work as well. It has involved some tele-phone calls and my clicking upon the mouse of a computing machine whilst saying things like:

'Time is a real issue here so ASAP otherwise we both have to actually speak to the client, which neither of us want.'

And trying hard not to feel like the world's biggest cunt.

Inbetween saying cuntish corporate-things on the phone, slamming through double-doors and sending people I briefly percieve as being less important than me flying, talking-down to people who probably have more qualifications yet earn a lower wage than me (and I have an MA from a real university) and generally being all 'executive' (it's on my business card, it must be true) I am approached by Thug Colleague.

(Regular readers may remember Thug and his Jim Davidson Humour. He is in his early twenties and as such still retains a sparkle of life in his eyes.)

TC: Allreet Tired like.

Me: Christ.

I instantly feel more weary than I did.

TC: How's it gannin?

Me: Worse now. What's up?

TC: Have you ever had a Danger Wank?

Many things have been darting through my mind that morning.

Will I get through the day without spazzing the wishes of half a dozen clients and fucking-off every single person I work with and burning whatever slender rope-bridges that are left between me and every department in the hideous conglomerate I work for?

Will my daughter ALWAYS love me? Will my son ever see me for what I am as I did my own father?

The very concept of a 'Danger Wank' has not been at the fore-front of my mind.

Me: [Resigned. I know from experience that it's best to get this over with] Define 'Danger Wank'.

TC: Reet. Well. When I was home from university-

Me: Seriously though. You went to university?

TC: Aye. You keep asking. Why?

Me: Really no reason. Anyway.

TC: Aye well. The point was. A 'Danger Wank' is when you're in your room, and you call your Mam, and you've got to tug it off and then clean up before she's got from the kitchen to your bedroom.

Silence.

I suddenly feel about six thousand years old.

53 Comments:

Blogger Misssy M said...

This must be the Monkey Face guy again. Am I right?

7:41 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just threw up in my mouth

11:31 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just threw up in my mouth

11:31 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Missy: How did you guess?

Eliza: Really? Twice?

11:42 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good grief. How old is he? 12? And he thinks his mother didn't know exactly what he was doing?

Something tells me you haven't yet found the right environment in which to practise your special talents.

12:32 pm  
Blogger Bittersweet said...

i am resolved to walk very slowly should my children call out loudly, just in case.

It is quite sweet that he equates that with 'danger'.

10:14 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a moron. Seriously, that's the kind of person that makes you feel highly evolved by comparison. Besides, a real 'danger wank' would be trying to tug one off whilst running through the Gaza Strip.

11:39 am  
Blogger The Boy said...

I was about to call him a wanker, but that's rather self evident.

You could have fun with him you know, set some "Danger" challenges. It would be worth paying off just to see if he goes through with it.

PS... the kids will ALWAYS love you, the trick is avoiding other emotions getting thrown into the mix...

1:22 pm  
Blogger Alistair Coleman said...

Hello!

I have just rediscovered Tired Dad after a random link on my blog comments brought me here.

I take back everything I said about you. You are excellent.

*gets to fuck*

10:03 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

MM: Eh?

Me: Also ignore the grubby t-shirt/sock shoved down the side of their bed in the future.

M_G: That's a Suicide Wank you buffoon. Let the Micheal Hutchence jokes roll.

Boy: I am not setting grown men wanking challenges, as there is nothing *funny* about me. Oh and thanks.

Duck: Bugger. Erm. Hello.

You know when you're at school with someone and you think they're such a cock and then meet them again when you're all grown-up and they're actually ok?

You wrote a Star-Wars-Digest thing that literally made some snot come out.

I've not bothered since of course.

I'll keep the sub-title thing for a bit if you don't mind. It makes me smile.

10:36 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am not a random link ... but have been enjoying your most excellent blog for some time now.
Debster

11:07 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Debs: Jesus if you're going to get offended by the phrase 'random link' I should stay away from the internet.

Thank you very nuch though.

12:01 am  
Blogger Lemonswaps said...

I wanna meet this guy. He sounds like he'd be really good at chess.

1:20 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

Makes a girl hott. Two ts.

3:32 pm  
Blogger NON-WORKINGMONKEY said...

'Tug it off'.

5:20 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seems like he should call it the Oedipus Wank. Times like these, I'm grateful to work from home.

6:22 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Gravy: Hello. Welcome.

Clarissa: He's single you know.

NWM: I know.

Franki: For your own Danger Wank?

8:11 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always thought a Danger Wank was security guards catching you at work red-ormaybenotreadbutatleastnotempty-handed, and ask for your ID...

Never happened to me.

9:44 pm  
Blogger Mr Farty said...

Jesus.

10:35 pm  
Blogger The Birdwatcher said...

More unpleasant things to do on tour

11:35 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

He's good Farty but not a son of god. Yet.

I feel much much older than that.

I may even be long dead.

12:23 am  
Blogger londongirl said...

Men are gross.

8:45 pm  
Blogger Daphne said...

Your daughter WILL always love you, though, in years when Danger Wank Man is long forgotten. Well, probably. I think mine does. Unless I'm deluded. Which is possible. Don't know about sons.

9:50 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

new blog addy mate. Change as good as arrest?

5:08 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, there's that too.

3:18 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

sigg: Yeah, it's always 'a friend' isn't it?

Farty: I know.

Dinners: You're too kind and I now how you feel.

London: But easily pleased it seems.

Daphne: It's the boy I worry most about to be honest.

Dinners: Gotcha.

Franki: Jesus. I was joking.

9:19 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I never ever wanted to catch my kids jerking off...
ever never..
good thing I clomp around like a fucking budweiser clydesdale..

of course i just found out this year that teenagers use socks to wank in..
I am so naive..
I honestly thought my sons just had really crunchy foot sweat

3:02 am  
Blogger Emsbabee said...

Well? Have you ever had a danger wank?

I know somebody who is an authority on the subject. Perhaps it is the same person, although this is unlikely.

http://emsbabee.blog.co.uk/2007/03/27/danger_wanking~1984099

1:36 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

C: Oh bless you. 'Crunchy sweat'?

Ems: Welcome. I'd be amazed if it was, but not as amazed to hear that the 'Danger Wank' is actually quite commonplace.

8:34 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

well dried sweat..it can be crunchy no?
christ..when my oldest son was 15 i was just 30..cut me some slack..
I have 4 sisters and no brothers..i'm a wank moron.

2:11 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

'Wank Moron'. There's another post right there.

8:18 pm  
Blogger tea and cake said...

I am a very old lady, with grown-up children; attended university; have been married forever; have worked with children; have worked with both women and men, and I have never heard of a danger-wank before.
Gawd, my education has been sadly lacking.
Thank goodness for you, tired. Or, should it be thank goodness for the cretin you 'work' with?!

12:23 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Tea: For some reason I am hesitant to use the phrase 'eye-opener'. But it was for me too. I've never really thought of masturbation as sport.

10:56 pm  
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Anonymous luvieere said...

By the number of definitions the term "danger-wank" has on UrbanDictionary, I'd say that at least in theory it's a popular concept amongst the youth.

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