Thursday, December 13, 2007

Outbursts From My Sister.

I can tell when people are on the edge. Usually I enjoy myself by saying 'Josh, your Dad's found your scooter' when they reach this point and watching them explode.

But I also know when to sit back.

Sister is in a foul temper. She is given to irrational rages at the slightest incident. I don't know where she gets it from.

We are in her van. She grinds the gears as much as her teeth.

Sister: FUCKS SAKE. I need some cocking petrol now.

Me: Em. Diesel?

Sister: Shit. SHIT. That would have been spot-on. Petrol in a diesel van. That would have been perfect. That would have been just fucking right if I'd done that. That would've been great. It would've been perfect. It would've fucking fucked fucking everything.

Me: It hasn't actually happened.

My sister appears to be hyper-ventilating.

Sister: It could have.

It seems she is furious at the very possibility.

Me: Ok.

We pull into a petrol station. My sister jumps out of the van, forgetting that her bag is on her lap and is wide open.

Bag and unusual contents (secateurs, lip-gloss, twine, nail polish, a screwdriver and insect-repellant) spill dramatically across the forecourt.

I am entranced by the bulging arteries and veins that appear about to burst.

There comes a strange roaring noise from my sister. I think it is directed at her bag but I can't be sure.

Sister: Oh you fucking SHITWHORE.

Re-fuelling completed, we continue on our way.

Me: Really though. 'Shitwhore'?

Sister: I know. It just came out of nowhere.

Me: It was very good.

Sister: Thanks bro.


Anonymous Hfactor said...

Yay for meaningless swearing. My equivalent is `tossbadger'. Or `wankmonkey'. I have no idea why masturbating mammals are important But I love the power of `shitwhore'. I may borrow it.

9:12 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Feel free. 'Cockmonkey' is my current favourite.

9:34 pm  
Blogger Misssy M said...

We like "Cuntybollocks" in our house.

It's got an Amsterdam type vibe.

10:16 pm  
Anonymous Somewhat bitter said...

Cock Yoghurt

11:20 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

I'm sorry but 'Shitwhore' is the current favourite.

11:25 pm  
Blogger Jaggy said...

"Shitwhore" brings up visions of a scat obsessed, 45 year old, slightly underweight, greying hooker.

Just my personal interpretation, make of it what you will.

12:12 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your sister and me must be related somehow ...

8:52 am  
Blogger Eliza said...

am i your sister? this sounds like me.

my current word is crudfuck.

10:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cuntmonkey i believe

11:47 am  
Anonymous Puskas said...

My wife came out with a spontanious 'Jesusfuckchristwank' when someone cut her up. That's why I love her. Well, it's not the only reason.

11:54 am  
Anonymous Kaija said...

I like it! It shall be my new curse word of choice. And again, I am somewhat comforted to hear that these little moments occur in other people's families. ;) I suspect that being in the car provokes those with a temper to begin with. That being said, no one likes to drive with either me or my brother...

1:34 pm  
Anonymous d34dmicpuppy said...

shithellfuckdamn works very well

9:10 pm  

"cockmonkey" is mine, you thieving little shit.

12:09 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Jaggy: Welcome.

Debs: That would just be strange.

Eliza: See above.

Anon: Not bad.

Puskas: Equally impressive.

Kaija: She shouldn't really be allowed to hold a licence.

Pup: Ok.

NWM: Oh. Bugger. Em. You're quite right now I think about it. Please accept 'fucknuckle' by way of an apology.

3:56 pm  
Blogger toby said...

Debs and Eliza beautifully illustrate the comment that I was about to make... your sister's irrational rage is triggered by that tricksy second X chromosome. Difficult to live with it, impossible to live without it :)

I use variations on "yob-tvayu-mattee!" Because it can provoke interesting conversations and doesn't offend mums with toddlers.

5:18 pm  
Blogger bittersweet me said...

It is VERY annoying when your life spills so unceremoniously from a lap, although i am impressed by the contents of your sister's bag - seriously practical yet still girly. I think i should upgrade my own bag, just incase.

l like the low-key but flowery; buggery bugger.

8:39 pm  
Blogger tea and cake said...

'Buggerbumshititwilly' has been known to fly from my lips when in a rage.
But my bestist favourite is Ecclefeckin (a Scottish town) which is brill to say in front of children, as they are convinced it is rude and they shouldn't say it!

12:29 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OOh shitwhore...Briliant :0)

I shall use that when I can ;0)

12:23 pm  
Blogger londongirl said...

Wow. Can I just say 'anger issues'?

1:35 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Toby: 'yob-tvayu-mattee'. You're on your own.

Me: Sister is gardener by day and temptress by night and as such is very cool. Uncannily Similar Colleague goes for 'fishfarts.' Equally low-key. Favourite Daughter is thankfully still on the lugubrious 'oh bother' Pooh-Bear-style. I hope it is always thus.

Tea: You are toying with the minds of small people. I like.

Amanda: Be our guest.

LG: Have you not read this before?

10:53 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy christmas TD

9:10 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

you definitely aren't my brother - in - law so why is my wife your sister?

Happy Chrimbo mate. Have a good'n

3:08 pm  
Anonymous TDub said...

Good Lord. I think your sister is my sister...

Merry Christmas, dear Brother

6:12 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Pup: Thanks. You too.

Dinners: You're freaking me out.

tdub: Welcome back. I really don't think so but Merry Christmas to you too.

6:43 pm  
Anonymous andrew said...

Shame she was warned off petrol. She might've emitted the strictly grammatical sentence:

'Fucking fucker's fucking fucked!'

and made perfect sense.

12:02 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I want to date your sister..

2:52 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Andrew: No. That would have happened, but things and people would have been broken also.

C: Don't feel weird. Much.

8:01 pm  
Blogger Adam said...

perhaps i'm missing the point of this post, however.... a screwdriver? hmm.

5:19 pm  
Blogger Echomouse said...

This is my favourite post on your blog. I even made my brother read it. We both recognized ourselves here. I wonder if all brothers quietly suffer the outbursts of their sisters? Hell, it's free entertainment at least.

Why don't men understand the need to carry a screwdriver in our purses? It's IMPERATIVE. You never know what shit is going to happen.

Commenting late because I'm bored and reading backwards.

6:38 am  

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