'Doesn't Peter Andre Look Like Charlie Brooker?'
Tired Mam: You can just see him singing Mysterious Girl can't you?
Me: Honestly. WHAT?
TM: I mean. I've seen him on Have I Got News For You and that -
Me: Peter ANDRE?
I'd never really clocked him as the 'topical debate' sort.
TM: NO! That'd be mad. Charlie Brooker.
TM: And he doesn't look a bit like Peter Andre.
Me: WHAT? Wait -
I am literally lost for words. I put the phone down for a moment and stare about my office. There are various telephone conversations taking place, involving phrases like 'credit control', 'deadlines', 'servers are down' etc. None involve washed-up 1990's 'singers' and painfully amusing 'Guardian Columnists'. My normal office chat / mouth-ADHD begins to sound sane by comparison.
Me: Right. What?
TM: On the cover of his new book. He looks like Peter Andre. But he doesn't look like Peter Andre at all.
Me: Seriously. You've rung me at work -
TM: But he doesn't.
TM: Look like Peter Andre.
Me: I KNOW.
I feel like a simple child has chanted the words 'Peter Andre' into my ears in an annoying sing-song manner for 36 hours.
TM: But he does though.
TM: On the cover of the book. He looks just like Peter Andre.
Me: Please don't say 'Peter Andre' any more.
TM: I thought that it was meant to be Peter Andre [FUCKFUCKFUCK] leading a charge of idiots. Like he was the leader of the fuck-witted.
Me: Ok. So Charlie Brooker's publishers are deciding upon the cover art for his new book, the general subject of which is that people in general are facile and worthless, and feel that Peter fucking Andre best represents this?
Pause. She has a point of sorts.
TM: But it doesn't really work because he doesn't even look like Peter Andre.
Me: WHO? The guy depicted on the cover?
TM: NO! CHARLIE FUCKING BROOKER!
Me: I have to go. Fuck me.
Me: No wonder we split up.
TM: Really though. Ask anyone you work with. They'll all say it.
Me: Say what?
TM: That Charlie Brooker looks like Peter Andre. Everyone's been thinking it, it's just that I'm the only one brave enough to say so. Like when you admit you look at the toilet paper after you've wiped.
Me: Fuck. Do you? Filth.
TM: You know what I mean. Ask around. I won't be the only one thinking it.
Me: Thinking that a writer none of them would have heard of resembles a 'singer' they're all too young to remember? I'm sure they are. They just haven't the courage to bring it to my attention for fear of embarrassing themselves.
So. Dear readers. For the sake of settling feasibly the world's most absurd argument, does or does not a Guardian writer resemble except not really resemble an ex-pop 'singer' who sung one song and looks like he should be in a Disney movie (personally I think he looks like that guy off of Lilo & Stitch).
Make it snappy, it's not the festive spirit to be not having furious rows with estranged loved-ones about things that don't matter. And I need some ammunition.