Thursday, February 07, 2008

Dr. Teeth.

I don't begrudge the man his happiness. I wouldn't. I've been there. Your first-born is beyond words.

But this is a place of work. We are neither his friends nor his family. There are many yet to decide if they even like him. I am not one of them. Please DIE SOON.

It's like this:

No-one gives one iota of a WANK about your screaming child. You adore her. I'm sure she is lovely. My daughter was and is. But you work in a department populated by those that have written the manual. At least twice.

I begrudged 'putting-in' for the 'office gift' that left me five pounds the poorer to celebrate the fact that you had ejaculated into your wife. I would gladly have bought HER anything she wanted the poor cow, but not you. You spent it on a Playstation 3 game. Probably the only one available. It's a toy. A toy for adults. You are fucked.

Dr. Teeth: Done this before I suppose Tired?

Yes. YES. I have. Please cease to exist.

But it goes on.

Dr. Teeth: She had hair! Hahahahah.

Astounding. You'll be telling us she had a head next.

Oh it's just the clatter. Every single phone call, every single conversation.

Dr. Teeth: Fine. Bit tired though. Hard work waking the missus up when the bairn's crying in the night hahahha. You'd think she'd been at work all day hahahaha.

If you want some peace so badly have you thought about KILLING YOURSELF?

And I'm loving the belching competitions you seem to be having with yourself.

Dr. Teeth: Seven seconds. Had to be. That was a seven-seconder do you reckon Tired hahahah. Can't do this at home now. Not with the little-un hahahaha. Got any porn? Hahahaha.


Oh fuck. He's on the phone again. 'Hello client. Sorry about being so totally ineffectual for the past six months - the total time I've worked here - but. The thing is. It's not that I'm shit at my job, which I am, it's because my wife gave birth to my drunken fumble so now the world has to be entranced by the fact that I can maintain an erection and spunk-up. Because I'm brilliant. What? The wife? Dunno. Moans a lot. But anyway I've a child now so you must see me in a new light. That of not being an ineffectual cunt.'

There's much of that. And some of this:

Dr. Teeth: I'll be looking after your account now, so it's me that'll be ripping you off from now on hahahah.

Genius. The client will fall in love with you now. Will probably dedicate all of her media spend with you on the strength of that. Well done. YOU FUCKING COCK. Have you told her about your wailing kid yet you TWAT.

Dr. Teeth: She's two weeks old now. All the noise is putting me off my beer hahahahah.

Honestly. Just. You know. It couldn't get any worse.....

Dr. Teeth: Her tits look GREAT now but I'm dreading the downfall hahahahahah.


A female colleague walks past.

Dr. Teeth: Hey Tired. Would you smack that?

He does not wait for an answer.

Dr. Teeth: I'm getting broadband delivered today. I'll soon have the porno-net hahahaha. Sky TV's rubbish, I want to see it going in and out hahahaha.

It'll end in tears.


Blogger mr_glide said...

"I begrudged 'putting-in' for the 'office gift' that left me five pounds the poorer to celebrate the fact that you had ejaculated into your wife."

VERY good line, that. I approve (for all the weight that carries). The righteous fury level is also notable.

2:35 pm  
Blogger Brennig said...

Fucking excellent post with brilliant obs.

3:37 pm  
Blogger Joan of Argghh! said...

If I lived anywhere nearby, I would volunteer to come over and hold the idiot down whilst you helped him cease to exist. Gah!

4:04 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

oh god,
we all chatter on about stupid shit.
Remind me never to show you my stretch marks and tell you allabout me pushing my sons massively huge casper the friendly ghost head out my stuff...
cookies anyone ?

6:53 pm  
Blogger Citronella said...

Must. Not. Slap. The computer screen.

Because the computer screen has nothing to do with this disgusting ass, right?

(Or does it?)

7:55 pm  
Blogger Angela-la-la said...

It'll end in tears

Mine have started already.

7:57 pm  
Blogger Misssy M said...

I'm in the "just started a new job but several people whose names I don't even know yet have left/had kids/got engaged and I'm expected to put in for their pressie"

I mean I haven't put anything in, but that's not he point is it?

9:45 pm  
Blogger d34FpUpPy said...

reverse polarity and electrocute his arse

9:57 pm  
Anonymous Frogdancer said...

Oh. My. God.

Makes you wonder how some people ever have the chance to reproduce. Surely you'd run a mile if a wanker like that came anywhere near you. (Especially if he was in the mood for love....)


10:20 pm  
Anonymous Grax said...

"I would gladly have bought HER anything she wanted the poor cow, but not you"

I couldn't agree with you more. That poor woman having to put up with that cum stain of a human being.

11:53 am  
Anonymous Jay said...

Reminds me of a TV programme I watched, called "He's Having A Baby" - there was this one bloke (rather a twunt) whose wife was giving birth. As the head came out, he told his wife "Wow, you've gotta see this!"

Your female readers have got to appreciate you - it seems that a hell of a lot of guys don't understand that squeezing a small human out of your vagina takes a bit more effort than ejaculating.

12:25 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

I agree. "I begrudged 'putting-in' for the 'office gift' that left me five pounds the poorer to celebrate the fact that you had ejaculated into your wife." is the best line I've read all year.

And, really? Is there really someone like that?

7:05 pm  
Blogger Echomouse said...

What an insufferable asshole he is. God. His poor wife. And child.

Loved your line which nearly everyone above is quoting :) I said something sort of similar when a twisted woman friend had kids. Something along the lines of "all she did was have sex. it's not like she gave any thought to what she was creating or how to raise it. I resent having to reward her for that" or something to that effect.

5:04 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps he can combine these two posts and have a mong? Both have been such classics ...

And why is he called Dr Teeth?

12:42 pm  
Anonymous Kaija said...

God, that is all too true. Although I am somewhat comforted to hear that it's not just new moms that bore the rest of us with their pride over managing to let biology do what it's been doing the rest of us care. Honestly, it's not that difficult to get knocked up/knock someone up. Now successfully preventing that for 15-30 years? That's an accomplishment!

2:35 pm  
Anonymous z said...

just smack him in the face. real hard. it would be well-deserved.

thank god it's not a baby boy, because otherwise he'd be having conversations like this with his son in 15 years' time, and then the circle would never be broken...

3:36 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

wondered where my last manager had ended up. If it's him he won't buy his round either. Please say he isn't a Manc to boot?

4:32 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

M-J: From longest-term reader who first said 'that was mildly entertaining' I thank you.

B: Thanks.

Joan: Welcome.

C: Thanks for that.

Citronella: Welcome. Look. It's not my fault.

Ang: It gets worse.

Missy: There is not a day goes by at my place. Congratulating people I don't know for BEING ALIVE! Fuck OFF.

Pup: Cool. And go to jail and experience Prison Love. Hello again.

Frog: Hello you. Sadly the world seems to be full of such fiends.

Grax: Hello again. Steady though. Cum Stain is harsh. (Not really).

Jay: Hello and welcome. Have a look at the archives. I'm sure I got cross about a MAN who claimed to have post-natal depression. On the telly.

Clarissa: He is very real. VERY.


Debs: You are very kind. Dr.Teeth? Soon. When I get around to it.

K: Welcome back. Personally I would prefer the whole 'phew, it's alright guys the Pill has worked yet again and although I had sex with my wife at the weekend I think it's ok and none of you shall have to spend any money or pretend to be interested in me.'

Z: Hello and welcome. Ok. What you said.

Dinners: I'm not sure it's the same guy.

11:13 pm  
Blogger Scaryduck said...

Kill him, TD. Kill him TO DEATH.

The kid will thank you for it one day.

11:23 am  
Blogger Peach said...

ha, very funny

Could you lend your words (any words) here maybe ?

12:05 pm  
Blogger Shane said...

You remind me of being told by a female colleague, 'I'm expecting'. What I didn't say was 'Well, given that it's not mine, why are you telling me this?' and 'Congratulations on your fertility - at your age'. But it wasn't easy.

You have the makings of a very special kind of agony uncle.

11:15 pm  
Blogger bittersweet me said...

It is perplexing that he has got this far in life without being put down. Step up to the mark, TD.

12:47 pm  
Blogger quick said...

What a hateful cunt. Pity there are so many of them about.

12:28 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

u r his fav blog and he'll kill me when he sees this ;-)

hes watching the footy and left himself signed on so i'm embarrassing him everywhere
Revenge!!!!!! :-))))))

Jax xxxxx

8:21 pm  
Anonymous monkeymother said...

Been away, only just got back to find this.

Thank you v. much. My sprained ankle has now decided it's broken, the pain is so bad from laughing.

If it weren't for FD and FS, I'd recommend a Tesco bag over his head when no one's looking. It would also give his poor wife a break. She has to sleep with the twat and she's obviously had to have sex with him at least once.

11:38 am  

Do you want to introduce him to one of the many (married, to idiots) women I have met at insufferably smug middle-class parties over the years who see nothing wrong in coming out with variations on the following:

1. You MUST have a baby! Your life just won't be complete if you don't.

2. You haven't got children? Why not? What's wrong with you?

3. You don't REALLY know what love means until you've had a child.

4. Your life will be meaningless if you don't have a child.

5. What, you chose your career over having a child? You can do both you know! (Swiftly followed by telephone call to nanny/housekeeper.)

1:24 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Duckman: Hello! It's my understanding that you meet worse sorts in prison so I shall have to leave him be.

Peach: *sigh* If I HAVE to.

Shane: Agony Uncle? As in 'are you or anyone you know dying? No? Then fucking pull yourself together.' I'd make a mint.

Me: See above.

Quick: I can't seem to move for them these days.

Jax: Hello! Christ. If I'm his favourite what does that make me? And welcome.

MM: Welcome back.

NWM: I've always loved number 3. 'Oh really? So if your husband had accidently spouted milky vomit into your mouth whilst you patted him on the back would you have known the true meaning of love and spared us all the harrowing knowledge that not only have YOU gifted the world with another being that will probably know what moccasins are, but that they too will probably breed. FUCK OFF, I've got work to do.'

11:01 pm  
Blogger Honey said...

wow it's been ages since I've been round the blogs, I'm sorry for that and look what I've been missing! supurb writing, brilliant. thank you x

10:15 am  
Blogger Jaggy said...

We have a "first kid only" policy at work for chipping in to celebrate "coming in your wife".

I always resent giving to the ones I don't like, arseholes.


11:12 am  

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