But this is a place of work. We are neither his friends nor his family. There are many yet to decide if they even like him. I am not one of them. Please DIE SOON.
It's like this:
No-one gives one iota of a WANK about your screaming child. You adore her. I'm sure she is lovely. My daughter was and is. But you work in a department populated by those that have written the manual. At least twice.
I begrudged 'putting-in' for the 'office gift' that left me five pounds the poorer to celebrate the fact that you had ejaculated into your wife. I would gladly have bought HER anything she wanted the poor cow, but not you. You spent it on a Playstation 3 game. Probably the only one available. It's a toy. A toy for adults. You are fucked.
Dr. Teeth: Done this before I suppose Tired?
Yes. YES. I have. Please cease to exist.
But it goes on.
Dr. Teeth: She had hair! Hahahahah.
Astounding. You'll be telling us she had a head next.
Oh it's just the clatter. Every single phone call, every single conversation.
Dr. Teeth: Fine. Bit tired though. Hard work waking the missus up when the bairn's crying in the night hahahha. You'd think she'd been at work all day hahahaha.
If you want some peace so badly have you thought about KILLING YOURSELF?
And I'm loving the belching competitions you seem to be having with yourself.
Dr. Teeth: Seven seconds. Had to be. That was a seven-seconder do you reckon Tired hahahah. Can't do this at home now. Not with the little-un hahahaha. Got any porn? Hahahaha.
Oh fuck. He's on the phone again. 'Hello client. Sorry about being so totally ineffectual for the past six months - the total time I've worked here - but. The thing is. It's not that I'm shit at my job, which I am, it's because my wife gave birth to my drunken fumble so now the world has to be entranced by the fact that I can maintain an erection and spunk-up. Because I'm brilliant. What? The wife? Dunno. Moans a lot. But anyway I've a child now so you must see me in a new light. That of not being an ineffectual cunt.'
There's much of that. And some of this:
Dr. Teeth: I'll be looking after your account now, so it's me that'll be ripping you off from now on hahahah.
Genius. The client will fall in love with you now. Will probably dedicate all of her media spend with you on the strength of that. Well done. YOU FUCKING COCK. Have you told her about your wailing kid yet you TWAT.
Dr. Teeth: She's two weeks old now. All the noise is putting me off my beer hahahahah.
Honestly. Just. You know. It couldn't get any worse.....
Dr. Teeth: Her tits look GREAT now but I'm dreading the downfall hahahahahah.
A female colleague walks past.
Dr. Teeth: Hey Tired. Would you smack that?
He does not wait for an answer.
Dr. Teeth: I'm getting broadband delivered today. I'll soon have the porno-net hahahaha. Sky TV's rubbish, I want to see it going in and out hahahaha.
It'll end in tears.