Spiderman Part 1.
I despise him. His level of intelligence and humour is that of an ant.
He has spun some kind of web around me. I am becoming like him. Slowly.
The more he inhabits my life, the more it is only some time until I become interested in football and mobile phones and internet sites dedicated to Holly Willoughby…
Whatever. I'm currently at one out of three. Which means I am sane.
But he nearly got me.
Two weeks ago. I am At Work.
I have just had an excellent argument with my boss.
She had informed me that I had to spend the entire morning being trained on how to do my job. I explained that I had being doing my job, in one form or another, quite successfully for eight years and would much rather just get on with it thanks. She shrugged and wandered off, leaving me to do Actual Work. Great!
Thug Colleague: Alreeet Tired like.
It seems my happiness is to be short-lived.
Me: Jesus. Fuck off.
TG: Aye. How. Have ye ever been on the bog havin a shit like and got a bonk-on?
Me: Seriously. I’ve got a client who reckons we owe him his entire annual spend because, well, because he feels like it and I’ve got a publication deadline NOW which I know you do not share and a new boss who isn’t sure what I do for a living and I’m not sure how to explain it to her. And you want to know if I’ve ever had a simultaneous erection and bowel movement?
Right. He’s really committed to the whole ‘eroticism of taking a dump’ thing then.
Who cares about my work troubles.
To get rid of him, the following dreadful exchange takes place:
Me: Right. Once. It was taking ages and my mind began to wander. Ok?
TG [Visibly delighted] : Ah I KNEW IT! YE AND ME ARE THE SAME TIRED! Even if you’re auld.
I’m not at all old. I don’t feel old (I do) and I will not let this whipper-snapper feel that I have suffered a mere erection on a toilet. Although we are definitely NOT THE SAME.
Me: [Bizarrely wanting to get the upper-hand in the whole shit/erection debate] Yeah? So tell me, have you ever become TRAPPED?
He looks at me in awe, and I know that I am lost.
Me: Oh yes. It got wedged under the seat. I couldn’t stand up for fear of it snapping off. I had to wait until it went away. It took fucking ages.
People are now looking at me.
Christ. What have I become?
TG: [Almost vibrating with delight] I bet you’ve given a lass a spiderman an’all!?
For reasons I cannot begin to explain I want to beat this thug, to outstrip his every monkeyface/dangerwank/shittybonkon story with one better just to prove to him that – what?
To be honest I don’t know.
And I’d no idea what a spiderman was. But by God I found out.
To be continued.