Thursday, January 10, 2008


I fear I am about to lose a lung.

I am At Work, and laughing so hard at the most inappropriate comment I have ever heard that I am concerned I may hurt myself. Anyway.

Three days previously.

I am In The Pub.

My sister has just introduced myself to an old friend of hers.

Sister: She's got an odd sense of humour, mind.

Old Friend: I find it's always best to establish people's boundaries so I don't offend them.

Me: Sensible.

O.F: So. The disabled?

Me: Intrinsically amusing.

O.F: Good. AIDS?

Me: You've got to laugh.

O.F: Fine. Cot death?

Me: Got to draw the line somewhere. That's it for me.

Having established this, we chat for awhile and I discover she works for an independent television company that produce content exclusively for Channel Five. Which did not surprise me.

Anyway. Three days later.

Myself and Uncannily Similar are in the office, discussing our plans for that Saturday night . It is decided that three or four of us are to meet at an unbearably swanky establishment for a 'boy's night out'.

Normally the term fills me with dread, conjuring as it does images of belching competitions, endless discussions involving football, mobile phone tariffs and 'birds', and ending - if it is a particularly good night - with the ignition of digestive gases. Fortunately, my friends are all in their mid-thirties and content themselves with talking amusing nonsense, attempting to dance, complaining that it's a bit loud and 'can we go somewhere quiet' and then falling over because they're not in their twenties anymore and are not used to drinking so much so quickly.

That's my friends. Not me. (It's always a 'friend' isn't it?)


One of our colleagues is very girly, very sweet and very thick. She reeks of innocence. And she has overheard us.

Sweet But Thick: Oh I wish I could go out on a Saturday. But all my friends are always busy with their families and things.

Uncannily Similar: Come out with us!

Me: Yes. We'll look after you.

U.S: Yeah. We'll show you a good time.

S.B.T: Oh really boys? What do you have in mind?

U.S: Well. Have you seen that film 'The Accused'?

Uncannily Similar was never much for establishing boundaries. Perhaps he should start.


Blogger Angel-A said...

Did she still come? Out, that is

10:04 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:27 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Strangely, she did not.

10:28 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

Shame she blew out - or didn't in a manner of speaking. Can't beat a good gang bang mate. I'm told...

Mind you go first or it gets a bit messy

10:40 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: I'd thought myself and friend had crossed the line.

11:34 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...


12:09 am  
Anonymous Dingus Squatford, Jr. said...

So many spelling mistakes ... it almost pains me to point them out. Or is it that you're incredibly clever and have done them all deliberately? In which case, damn you for having outsmarted me and making me look a fool. Swine!

Did you do "Monkeyface" on her? I would have and then laughed a lot.

10:31 am  
Blogger Misssy M said...

I think your friend need to be given a voucher for a "Deliverance" theme weekend.

11:41 am  
Anonymous Franki said...

Sweet but Thick would be a good name for a porno.

5:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm new here and i have wet myself on my first day... (nursery flashes past my eyes)
i wonder what kind of night it would have been if she had gone out with you two.... i think its safe to say it would definitely have been blog worthy!


8:02 pm  
Anonymous Rose said...


9:07 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

had she? (seen it).

5:27 am  
Anonymous Beatchie said...

Accused. I accuse you of dropping the c. You cunt.

10:50 pm  
Blogger mr_glide said...

If you really are that uncannily similar, be thankful it wasn't you that said it...

2:16 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

C: Yeah.

Dingus: Welcome. Pedantic.

Missy: I'm afeared he would enjoy such a thing.

Franki: I'm assuming gay porn?

Rach: Welcome. She has been out with us in the past but was sadly too stupid to be any real fun. (NOT LIKE THAT)

Rose: Thanks.

Clarissa: Hi. No, THANK CHRIST she hadn't and neither of us were fired/arrested.

B: Cunt off.

M_G: I am aware of the whole 'Tyler Durden' thing you are suggesting. HE IS REAL I TELL YOU.

9:28 pm  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

line? there's a line? what line?

5:57 pm  
Anonymous Franki said...


10:56 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Dinners: Well. Not as far as you are concerned.

Franki: Yeah right.

11:30 pm  
Anonymous Shane said...

I guess in those situations it's a relief that SBT is sweet but thick (or filmically limited).

I'm another who's new here. Really like the dialogue. It's good to read north east accents... especially Thug Colleague (Teesside / Sunderland graduate?). I think I went to school with him.

11:56 am  
Anonymous Beatchie said...

Cunt off? I am someone's daughter. Cuntslime.

2:43 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Shane: Welcome. Everyone's loving the dialogue. He's from Northumberland actually. Christ. Used to live in the Midlands myself. How do you cope?

B: Oh what fun. I haven't had a good internet row in months. Someone's daughter? Cuntspawn.

11:23 pm  
Anonymous Shane said...

Northumberland - Ashington, Blyth, heroin and cannon-fodder - the kid did well to get where he got to.

As for the Midlands... it says something quite dark about one corner of County Durham when Stoke-on-Trent ends up feeling like 'Bright Lights Big City'.

2:44 pm  
Blogger EmmaK said...

What Uncannily Similar said about have you seen the Accused was funny...I would have laughed but I suppose SBT hadn't seen the movie so didn't get the reference?

12:15 am  
Anonymous Beatchie said...

You are nowt but a bowl of cock yoghurt.

6:42 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

cock yoghurt..


before you happen to be killed or drop dead of a stroke..

teach one of your children to put up a "dady iz ded" post

5:13 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Shane: Nail on the head. And I feel for you.

emmak: Fortunately for us, no she did not.

b: Fine. Make us a nice breast-milk rice-pudding.

C: As it happens I am dying, so do not mock. Well. It's bronchitus and people HAVE died of it. Not in the recent past, I admit.

10:41 pm  

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