Sunday, January 27, 2008

Spastic Vs. Toddler: Spastic Wins.

I know I am in the right, that my fury is justified, but for some reason I can't put my finger on Why.


It had all started so well. A day out with Favourite Daughter and Favourite Son. I do not drive so the weather is an important factor at this time of year, what with God playing 'Biblical Metreology Catchphrase' ('It's a good guess but it's not the right answer') and everything, so I opt for one of Europe's largest retail 'experiences' which also happens to house the largest indoor fair/adventure park/ emporium of gypsies-who-went-to-university.

Upon the bus there I notice that the sun is shining. All three of us feel its rays upon our face. FD says so. The sky is blue.

Fuck This, I think, and we get off before we get to the Citadel of Air-Conditioned Commercialism and go to the Pond.

We buy bread along the way and I meet an old friend who hugs me.

They call it a 'pond'. I'm not sure what the rules are, but if you need a craft with an out-board motor and twenty minutes spare time to get from one end of it to another, it should no longer be called a 'pond'.


Being the height of winter no-one in their right mind has been out to feed the wildlife. We are instantly the best friends of every duck, mallard, swan and those big things that look like ducks but are larger and darker that I can't remeber the name of. FS laughs and laughs. He's not really done this before, not to the extent of having creatures he's never seen before take bread from his hands. FD conscientiously makes sure the smaller ducks do not get left out.

The pond is in the middle of a large amount of grass-land. There is a band-stand but thankfully no God-forsaken 'play-area'. Just lots of wide-open space, grass, clean real air and clear blue sky. The children dance. Not wishing to ruin the mood I 'throw some shapes' myself. FD discourages me from doing so.

The weather changes so with heavy hearts we get back on a bus and retire to an air-conditioned enviroment. Well. My heart is heavy, the children couldn't give a fuck. They're children.

Some hours later, after much anguish, bickering and squandered cash we leave the Land of Fun or whatever the fuck it's called. I don't suppose they were allowed to put a sign saying 'Theatre of Disillusionment' out the front.

We're all at that wonky-blood-sugar, slightly over-excited and really fucking knackered stage. As far as my offspring are concerned, they're in a casino and it's four in the morning and they're wondering how the fuck to explain the unauthorised overdraft in the morning.

Two-year old Favourite Son is in his push-chair (he doesn't need it, but after six hours on my feet I wouldn't turn it down either), Favourite Daughter is holding my hand. The front wheels of the chair are fixed, so manouverability is an issue.

There is a certain etiquette regarding dealing with the general public when steering a difficult push-chair, and it falls into the following hierachy:

1. Adolescents walking four astride and blocking all coming like they fucking own the place: Aim for the middle and take as many out as you can.

2. Random single people who think that gazing at the non-existent skyline is a substitute for watching where they're going: Aim for the ankles, but also be sure to apologise if you fell one of them.

3. Other people with push-chairs/prams: Roll your eyes at each other in some fake 'oh gosh, you as well, oh, we're all in it together' complicity and then spend so long apologising, carefully jostling and being 'nice' that everyone near you wishes you were dead.

4: Old people. Just let them do whatever they're doing. They'll die soon.

But this fucker.

I mean he is RIGHT IN OUR WAY. With his middle-age and his chinos and his sensible shoes and his ugly wife, both staring beautifically into the middle distance and not moving whilst evryone sidesteps them. He CANNOT not know that me, daughter and be-seated toddler son need to get by their little world of People's Friend delight.

I stare for a bit. I nudge his foot with a wheel. He gazes through me and does not move. To get around him and his dumpy fucking wife would involve doing a push-chair wheely, the equivalent of a ninety-degree hand-brake turn, a four-yard detour and then doing the whole thing again but in reverse just to get back on track. And doing it one-handed, because I cannot let go of Favourite Daughter's hand because of all the paedophiles and that.


It quickly transpires that they are not moving because they are forming some sort of human-shield against the crowd to allow their spastic son/patient/middle-aged-guilt-alleviating-respite-care-case to manoeuver his
electric Stephen Hawking-style chair out of whatever shop he was in. Early Learning Centre I would imagine; he didn't look that bright.

Their entire attitude was thus:

Look everyone. We have a Mong. Not just a Mong, but a Mental, as evidenced by the spittle dribbling down his chin. Aren't we great? Us with this potato-head. We don't think of it as a burden. In many ways it's a gift. And anyone here who needs to get by us before the next millenium to conduct their non-flid related activities can just FUCK OFF.

I am impotent with rage.

After some time Davros gets it right and all three motor happily along. As happy as they can be I suppose.

I know I am wrong. That although Favourite Son has the irksome habit of occasionally requiring pushing-around in a chair and the even more tiresome habit of shitting himself at inopportune moments, he will grow out of this at some stage.

Even so. FUCK'S SAKE.


Blogger Angela-la-la said...

Kids vs flids will always be bad. A flid is for life, not just for childhood.

12:08 am  
Blogger Daphne said...

Well of course you're wrong. Where's your tolerance of the rest of humanity, for goodness' sake?
(It made me laugh though. A lot.)

12:34 am  
Blogger Mark H Wilkinson said...


This was an unexpectedly entertaining find.

1:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He may only grow out of it after university. Be warned.

12:23 pm  

Davros. Davros. I want to touch your mind with my tiny little monkey hands.

4:09 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Ang: Hi. I'm sure I mentioned that.

Daph: Thanks.

Mark: Welcome. And thanks.

Debs: What? The shitting himself thing? I'm just glad I no longer live there when he starts wanking. Jesus. If memory serves, there shan't be an inch of material safe.

NWM: HELLO. (Caps so that you can hear me from the abroad.) You really wouldn't want to. You'd be scrubbing under your nails for years. Well. Minutes.

9:39 pm  
Blogger Misssy M said...

You had me at "BHS wearing cunt".

10:05 pm  
Blogger d34FpUpPy said...

shoulda play 9 pins wi m

10:31 pm  
Blogger bittersweet me said...

hey, but you got a hug ...

i laughed a lot at 1-4

11:06 pm  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I use to work with retards..
my favorite thing was when one would go berserk in public and start running and knocking over people in shopping malls..

aww..good times good times

12:35 pm  
Blogger Echomouse said...

This was brilliant. LOL Oh sure, a lot of it is politically incorrect, but we're all human. Some days you just have to be real about the state of the world or else you'll lose your f'n mind. :)

4:02 pm  
Blogger Clarissa said...

Am I wrong to be laughing?

6:38 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Missy: He was though.

Pup: What? (Hello again)

Me: Yeah but it was from a bloke. Grr.

C: Your old job sounds BRILLIANT.

Echo: What you said.

Clarissa: I wroted it so's you can blame the laffs on me.

10:36 pm  
Blogger d34FpUpPy said...

u no u shoulda played bowling wi it

7:37 am  
Blogger Shane said...

'Flid' - what a word! It's like being back in the mid-80s, calling classmates spazz or spacker, staring at the kid with the callipers, wondering why these spastic people have a girl-with-dog money-box-statue-model-thing in the Co-op, and wondering why my Mum (sorry, 'Me Mam') seems awkward as I ask 'What's a spastic?' - I mean, it's not as if any of us were...

God bless spackers, god bless retards, and god preserve our sainted language.

11:29 am  
Blogger FOUR DINNERS said...

S'ok pup, he'll suss it....

YOU CRACK ME UP. I need the loo.

Very few do.

Try driving a bus mate. You meet every mong ever born and a few more besides.

I once unplugged a battery operated mong chair while nobody was looking. Now that was fun.

9:03 pm  
Blogger Windypops said...

I'd pay to watch spastics v. monster trucks.

7:00 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Pup: I got it the first time. I was being 'stupid'.

Shane: Hi again. Memory lane indeed.

Dinners: I TRAVEL on buses. Believe me that's worse, knowing you've PAID for it.

Windy: I'd pay to see a hastily scribbled cartoon of it. Ball's in your court.

10:21 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know, this really is a classic.

11:46 am  
Blogger Cynnie said...

I want to get one of those little scooter chairs and ride around a shopping mall ..
pretend I'm pitiful and just run teenagers down..
a girl can dream yanno!

1:02 pm  
Blogger Rose said...

I choked on my biscuit! Probably I could sue, but I won't.

6:14 pm  
Blogger Luka said...

Flid or kid, you bastards with wheelie chairs are always in my fucking way.

7:19 pm  
Blogger Windypops said...

"I'd pay to see a hastily scribbled cartoon of it. Ball's in your court."

Done. I'm not proud.

1:34 pm  
Blogger Angel-A said...

We used to call them window-lickers, and the Downs kids were all 'Joey's'.

Avoiding eye contact and being knowingly obstructive to the general population takes years of practice, y'know.

Ultimately, that couple no doubt know more about being pissed off than you ever will.

Moral for next time: don't mess with the Special Needs - those electric wheelchairs can do some serious damage. You were lucky to escape with your shins intact.

10:21 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Sorry. Rude. Busy.

Debs: Too kind.

C: You go girl.

Rose: Hello and welcome. I'm not convinced Claims Direct have any experience in biscuit litigation but give it a whirl.


Windy: Oh. My. You are now my favourite. There's drool and all sorts.

Ang: It's just a silly blog.

11:28 pm  
Blogger Honey said...

i'm making embarrassing guffaws (sp?) of laughter. thank goodness I'm alone. You are priceless.

10:17 am  
Blogger Davenelli said...

I'm tired of having to apologise for other peoples problems and analyse every word before I say it in the off chance that someone somewhere may be offended.

If only there were more people out there prepared to just say what they were thinking.

Cracking post.

2:50 am  

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