Wednesday, November 03, 2010

A Couple of Weeks Ago.

“This is bloody ridiculous” I think to myself as I grab the edge of my dining-table.

To be honest it’s been a difficult time. Work has been insane. Video-links to Canary Wharf and ‘monetise’ this and ‘insentivise’ that. My Grandfather has lost his mind and my family and I have had to deal with the process of grieving for a man who is still alive. Despite the fact that ‘he’ is gone.

And I’ve been a bit poorly myself.

Anyway.

I’m gripping my dining-table.

My peripheral vision is long-gone and the blood is pounding in my ears.

Six hours previously a colleague has given me a nice fat rump steak, as she does each month for reasons that neither I nor anyone I know can understand. We can’t imagine how the conversation that would have started this first came up-

Colleague: Fancy a big fat steak once a month? For no reason?

Me: Ok then.

That seems to be the consensus, but I really don’t remember. I’m just grateful of the red meat. Times are hard.

As I say. My lungs feel like they are about to burst.

A few minutes previously I had sent a text. “I’m dipping my chips in blood”.

Haha. I like a rare steak.

As everything begins to cloud – a weird rush of endorphins that make me unconcerned about my impending demise – I wonder if I should get a girlfriend purely to avoid dying in such a foolish manner. I mean, if I didn’t live alone someone could do the Heimlich or something.

Finally I manage to cough a wad of under-cooked, under-chewed steak onto the table.

I grab some kitchen-roll and continue eating my dinner.

18 Comments:

Anonymous Ann Anon said...

Gripping gripes? Now you're just being an attention whore.

7:45 am  
Blogger Plummy Mummy said...

Hah! you had my sympathy until the wad sentence when I suddenly saw you as a lone cave man grabbing and gulping meat.
Surely you can find someone to watch over you (a registered nurse?)
Glad you are ok though.

9:27 am  
Anonymous HungryHungryHippo said...

Glad to see you didn't waste the steak!

11:35 am  
Blogger Max said...

Bloody Norah. Don't die on us, Tired.

2:07 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hello Ann. Whoever you are. And you're quite right. Your point?

Plummy: We're trying to find a decent nurssing home for my Grandfather - I'm struck by the irony that I may need one myself as I seem incapable of cutting-up my own food properly. Gah. And thanks.

Hello Hungry. Do I know you? And no. Never one to waste a slab of bleeding meat, even if it may kill me.

2:23 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hello Max. I'll try not to.

3:06 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Hmm, maybe a girlfriend and a chef?

9:37 pm  
Blogger punxxi said...

Silly boy, you can Heimlich yourself by throwing yourself, abdomen first, over a chair back. I suggest a padded chair for this. One next to a large bucket preferably.

9:37 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

MMMMM. Steak.

10:21 pm  
Blogger TwistedScottishBastard said...

Hint: Chew before you swallow.

Ending up on a slab being autopsied by a vegetarian pathologist who is chortling "Serves the bloody carnivores right" is not a nice way to go.

Glad you're still amongst the living. We all need someone to look down on.

BTW What was the letter from a hospital mentioned in the last post? Don’t keep us on tenterhooks man, you might croak before we know.

11:47 pm  
Blogger Carnalis said...

chew!

I've occasionally had flashes of impending doom and imagined the children waking up in the morning to find me electrocuted by my iron or whatever, but i've never gone as far as the endorphin rush. I'm impressed that you dived straight back into the plate.

Please be more careful.

9:27 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Em: I'm thinking neither and just start chewing properly.

Punx: Thanks. And also thanks for referringg to me as a 'boy'. That is genuinely pleasing.

Ellie: I KNOW.

Twisted Guy: All 'bang on' and thanks. No, it was a different one and as far as I can gather I'm going nowhere. It's just attention-seeking now.

C: 'Dived straight back in'?! It was a decent steak! I'm not the sort of man to let a near-death experience stand in the way of that.

11:03 pm  
Anonymous looby said...

I saw "grabbing hold of a dining table" and thinking it was "ridiculous", and thought you were going to talk about a sex act.

8:50 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

Do not die on us or we'll be very pissed off indeed.

And if this means you need to start pureeing your food, so be it.

Ali xx

PS - hope you're ok :-)

12:20 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Looby: I think this says more about you than it does me.

Ali: I'll try not to. I'm fine, thanks.

2:27 pm  
Blogger The Dotterel said...

Well, they say red meat can be bad for you...

I can find a good home for that steak if you'd rather not take the risk next month.

3:44 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hello and welcome. Steak Lady actually spoke to me today to say this month's delivery had been delayed and what the fuck was I doing speaking to her clients anyway. Oh well.

10:51 pm  
Blogger Z said...

I knew two people who did die by choking on their food. One was old, but the other one wasn't. I'm pretty careless about chewing half-raw steak myself - there seem to be a lot of us about. Maybe not for much longer though.

1:25 pm  

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