Thursday, September 16, 2010

"Disorientated and Aggressive"

That is the paramedics’ comments from my hospital notes.

“Do you know where you are?” A question asked of me many times in the space of a couple of hours.

“In an ambulance” and “In a hospital” have been the answers.

This seemed to satisfy all concerned.

I’m also asked what year it is and the identity of our Prime Minister. For medical men I would expect them to be better informed.

After 48 hours I have eaten some truly dreadful food which has had the paradoxically reassuring effect of a school dinner, undergone a head CT, a load of neurological tests, some extensive monitoring of my heart and some blood work.

A boy in his early-twenties is admitted late at night and put in the bed next to me. His clothes are ripped and his face smashed. His mouth is so badly battered it looks as though he’s had some unsuccessful collagen and then had lip-stick applied by a clown. A ‘fight with his step-father’ he proudly informs staff with as much swagger as one can manage from a hospital bed.

I read from cover to cover the autobiography of the nasty guy who was in ‘Callan’ with Edward Woodward in the early eighties. My father used to let me stay up late to watch it. (This isn’t strictly true – he was just so drunk he’d forgotten I was there.) I come to the conclusion that said actor is ‘a cunt’ but there is nothing else to read.

I try and sleep. At three in the morning I hear the boy in the bed next to me quietly sobbing to himself.

The next morning, after further prodding, I am told I can go home, with instructions to return for an ECG. And to shower instead of bathe. And to avoid cooking with hot fat.

A friend of the boy – much the same age as him – comes to pick him up when they discharge him. His bravura was back in place and he thanked me for the cigarette I gave him that morning. God knows where he’s sleeping now.

I go to work the next day and almost instantly realise I shouldn’t have.

I can barely move. They don’t call it a ‘seizure’ for nothing. Everything hurts. My short-term memory is shot to shit and everything smells weird.

“It took four people to hold you down when it was happening. And you gave the paramedics hell. It was one of – well… No. THE most frightening thing I’ve ever seen” Informs a colleague who, unbeknownst to me, was on the same bus.

I have no memory of any of this, although am advised to get hold of the CCTV as it could prove to be a youTube sensation if I can also get hold of the audio of my comedy growling as it was happening.

On the up-side I always get a seat to myself on my bus home now. People seem wary of me for some reason.

It’s all been rather exciting to be honest
, I think to myself as I get home late from work this evening after a night of pretending to be more important than I am in order to be wined and dined for free. The majority of the bumps, scrapes, cuts and bruises on my fists, knees and shins have all but healed and I’m feeling almost back to normal.

There is a letter from the Neurophysiology Department on the mat. No mention of results from the head CT, but they want me to go back in for an EEG.

Bugger.

At this rate, they may actually discover that I have a brain.

17 Comments:

Blogger punxxi said...

Aw, TD, we all know you have a brain, and a very clever and talented one at that.Sorry you have had a bad time of it, and hope the rest goes well. I personally would love my own seat on that bus( if I ever had to ride one, that is). Hope the dx goes well and that you won't have to worry about a repeat episode.
xx

4:39 am  
Anonymous hellblazer said...

Yikes... Hope that the troubles are only temporary and that the next check-up brings good news.

6:24 am  
Anonymous isabelle said...

Bloody hell fire.

I love how you can write about this in such a darkly comic way, but well, I hope you're alright, that there's nothing too untoward.

( as for the George Micheal line ; god, you're funny )

10:04 am  
Blogger Plummy Mummy said...

Blimey mate, sorry to hear that but glad that you still got your humour.
Take care and hope that your tests go well.

(also agree, GM line is fab but you write for a celebrity rag?????!!!!)

10:59 am  
Anonymous Johnners said...

Crikey. I hope it was all just some bus/allergy thingy and you're OK so long as you steer clear of the number 47.

I did see something about GM and Don't Let The Sun Go Down, but it wasn't as good as yours.

1:20 pm  
Anonymous Wendy said...

That must have been really scary. Hope you're better now

9:44 pm  
Anonymous Wendy said...

Also, my stepmum is a doctor in the ER and works really weird shifts -- sometimes nights, sometimes days -- and whenever someone comes in with a head injury she asks things like, "Do you know what day it is?" and then immediately thinks, "Oh, shite... I hope so... because I haven't got a weaver's..."

9:50 pm  
Anonymous Em said...

Wow, sorry to hear you have to sit by yourself on the bus. Hope everything is good with EEG and you're ok.

I can't comment on George Michael because I'm still getting over the fact he's REALLY gay.

Take care.

2:52 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow- sorry that happened to you. scary.
Suze

10:41 pm  
Blogger Ellie said...

Please get the CCTV footage.

1:30 am  
Blogger Debster said...

Did they find out what caused it?

7:15 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Yeah, I've been REALLY busy.

Punx: There's all sorts of prodding still to come but I'm fairly sure it wil come to nothing. Thanks.

Hell: Hello and welcome. Thanks - sure all will be well. I wouldn't be at liberty otherwise.

Isabelle: Thanks and thanks.

Plummy: See above.

J: Amateurs I tell you.

W: Like I said, they asked me who the Prime Minister is - I don't think there's a person in the country could answer that one.

Em: Sorry you can't come to terms about a long-term 'out' man WHEN MY HEAD MIGHT BE ABOUT TO EXPLODE!

Joke.

Suze: Thanks, but I'm not really thinking about the 'scary'.

Ellie: Now that's more like it. Will try.

Debs: Not as yet. Much poking and prodding still to come.

10:21 pm  
Anonymous TDub said...

Holy smoke! Are you all right now? Are you still living alone? Do you have a friend who can stay with you short term? PLEASE be careful, ok?

6:41 am  
Blogger Alison Cross said...

Wow - how did I miss this post?! Really hope that you are ok now and that this was just an abberation that occurred for some weird reason.

Fingers crossed that all pans out straightforward and non-scary.

plus, yes, get the CCTV footage. Could do with laugh.

Ali x

2:42 pm  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

TDub: Hello again - been a while. Yes I still live alone, and I like my friends too much to put them through the trauma of having to live with me. I am 'difficult'.

Alison: You see. Neglect me for a week or so and you miss all the fun.

Probably a 'one-off' I imagine. Awaiting many test results.

8:50 pm  
Anonymous Frothing hell said...

I had my first one in the middle of a busy restaurant 10 years ago, but the bus is good - I like your style. Drive-by fitting, very original. I've had a few night time 'episodes' since that one, but frankly they constitute the pussy's way out. No bruising, no drama. You wouldn't know anything had happened if it weren't for the bitten tongue and aching muscles the next day.

Ah, so much to look forward to eh Tired?

11:46 am  
Blogger Tired Dad said...

Hello. Not exactly reassuring but thanks. Has anyone given it a name?

10:53 am  

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