Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Back To Work.

Exterior. Day.

A Highway Maintenance vehicle depot.

Two men in high-visibility jackets are staring at the back of a dirty Highway Maintenance vehicle.


Man#1: You’re kidding me with this aren’t you?

Man#2: It’s perfect. We’ll just blame it on ‘kids or something’. They’re always doing stuff like this. No-one’ll think it’s us.

Man#1: It’ll be OBVIOUS it’s us. Hang on. Not even 'us'. You, you twat.

Man#2: Nah. TOO obvious, mate. No-one would believe we’d be that blatant. We’ll be TOTALLY in the clear, and still have a chuckle. We’ll just say some radges did it, we didn’t notice, and everything’s golden.

Man#1: [Unconvinced] ‘We’? Fucking ‘we’? If it comes to it, I’m grassing you right up. RIGHT UP.

Man#2: It WON’T! We’re bullet-proof! Come on. Let’s go to work.

Both men climb into the cab of the vehicle and drive away.

Fade to black.

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I’m on my way to work (this is me now) travelling on a bus that is making excruciatingly slow progress.

To be honest it’s been a weird couple of weeks, but the worst seems to be over (well, not really, but more on that later) and I just want to get back to my office and back to normal. On time.

I lean into the aisle and peer ahead of me in much frustration to see what the problem is.

Ah. We are behind a local council Highway Maintenance vehicle that is making very slow progress in whatever it is they do.

Screwed onto the back of the vehicle is an official-looking sign that reads:

“Highway Maintenance Apologise For Any Inconvenience Caused To Your Journey”

Beneath this, someone – probably kids or something – has written in bold block caps into the accumulated grime such vehicles attract:

“LIKE FUCK WE DO”

I smile to myself. It IS quite funny. No-one will get in trouble for that – it’s too obvious. Probably some radge-packets did it.




Sunday, August 07, 2011

Random Unconnected Conversations.

Some time ago:

Thug Colleague: ...Aye so I've got mesell a one terebyte external hard-drive

Me: ...

TG: Filled it with porn, y'knaw.

Me: ...

TG: Aye, in case the internet RUNS OUT.

Me:
...

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Some time earlier...

I'm at work, talking on the phone.

Me:
What do you mean, 'Why are you being horrible'? I'm not being horrible, I'm just being the way I always am. [Pause] What do you mean 'exactly'? Oh yeah, 'exactly'. 'EXACTLY' YOURSELF. Fuck you. Hey. Does your phone do THIS? [Hang up] FUCK!

My boss passes-by at exactly this moment and looks at me with interest.

Me: Oh. It wasn't a business call.

Boss:
Wouldn't surprise me if it was.

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Anyway, I'm off for a bit. Probably a week or so. Whatever.
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