Problem.

I know some things about computers.

In much the same way that men who have the original manual for their vehicle know some things about cars.

Which is essentially fuck all.

Last week. I lose my internet connection.

Grr.

ipconfig. All as should be.

/release /renew.

No difference.

Re-install the drivers for the network card. No joy.

Re-set the router. (Should have done that first. It's always the obvious things.) No.

Change cable. No.

192.168.0.1.

All as should be.

Hmm.

Device Manager still not too happy with one of the cards even though it is not in use.

Do you know what? Fuck it.

Age-old pc technician technique for fixing everything. Delete the partition and do a clean install. You cannot fail.

I have two hard-drives. One for the operating system and fuck all else, one for all documents of any sort.

When I ran fdisk to delete the drive, guess which one I deleted.


6 years gone. Fuck the pictures of my children and newborn son, there were some quite good blog stories about confrontations with tramps that smelt of wee that were lost.

Suffice to say, we're all going to have to wait until something actually interesting (unlike this post) happens to me. Which is rarely. I have to save things up usually.

Unless I get permission for a very amusing incident involving a hospital and an American singer popular in the early eighties.

The DVD Incident Part 3

Six months later.

I have stared at the DVD case every night. I have dreaded coming home. Knowing it is waiting for me.

Staring at me.

Mocking me.

The DVD represents weird and unwelcome social interaction. It is potent. It has a terrible power over me.

I fear it.

‘Have you watched it yet?’ Asks Makepeace. I mumble. I am a rational man. I can’t admit that I fear the DVD.

What if I do watch it?

I’ll be accepting the Weird. Welcoming it. BECOMING IT. I shall become a Sci-Fi person. I shall cling to strangers in pubs in an embarrassing manner. I shall accept this odd man and become his Friend. I will be ONE OF THEM. I shall purchase miniature lead figures of wizards from places called something like GAMESWORKSHOP that smell of feet and cheap deodorant.

The very sight of the DVD case begins to make me feel ill.

I hide it. From myself.

I actually put it under a cushion.

Friday last.

Makepeace: Em. That bloke was asking after his DVD. He seemed a bit cross. It’s been half a year.

I feel like someone has punched a hole in my stomach.

The moment of crisis has arrived.

I have to give it back. But on the off-chance that I ever see this man again, I shall have to watch it.

Which will be voluntarily accepting his offer of membership into the Theatre Of Odd.

He’s got me on the ropes. I’ve got nowhere to go. I can’t give it back without even watching it. It’s too damning. It would be essentially telling him how thoroughly worthless his existence is. But I CAN’T watch it. Because it would be to accept that random over-familiar social situations with odd people are actually OK. The act of watching it will be succumbing to him. He now has power over me. I am genuinely afraid.

Five minutes ago.

I read the plot synopsis on IMDB.

Ha. I am victorious. If I ever see him again, I can discuss the film with him. With some authority. And he WON’T KNOW I NEVER EVEN WATCHED IT!

I win.

For the first time in six months, I sleep easily.

I could do with a decent crisis now. Something to get my teeth into.

The DVD Incident Part 2

I had previously been fretting in a Jon Ronson sort of way about a Random Bloke threatening to lend me a DVD in a pub. Which is bollocks, and only idiots think like that, so I pull myself together.

I'll never see the bloke again, so I cease to worry about the DVD-lent-by-odd-strangers ramifications. Because there shall be none.

Monday morning.

Makepeace [Brother’s fiancé and lady who drives me to work]: That Random Bloke knocked on our door last night. He wanted you to have this DVD.

She hands me it in the car.

I feel the hairs on my arms rise. This is Not Right.

Me: Em. Keep hold of it until tonight will you? Then I’ll take it home. Don’t want to cart it around work. (And have the questions. ‘What’s that then Tired?’. ‘Oh, it’s just a DVD a Mental lent me.’)

I get home. I put the DVD next to the others that rest against my little-used tele-vision.

Sitting on the sofa, I stare at it in a troubled manner.

That night, I have a quite vivid dream in which Random Bloke fucks the eye-sockets of a decapitated pig head and repeatedly howls my name. Whilst watching a copy of the DVD he has just lent me.


To be continued.

The DVD Incident

It’s the small things that trouble me really.

I’ve had alarming house fires, impossible decisions regarding unborn and very-newly born children, career-threatening personal anguish, potential homelessness for me and my family and all sorts of grown-up-man things.

That I’ve dealt with. Without a thought.

Lend me a DVD though. I’m a wreck for half a year. It’s just too much responsibility.

Six months ago.

I am In The Pub.

Surrounded by brothers,other family and friends. There is no reason for anything Odd to occur. We are obviously safe from random events of minor importance but enormous Strangeness.

The things that REALLY trouble me.

A classic scenario ensues:

You’re stood around having a drink with a load of people you know. Random Bloke joins you and stands, drink in hand, nodding enthusiastically at anything said whilst grinning in a ‘hey I’m cool’ manner. After some time you feel compelled to include him in the conversation, assuming he must know at least one of your number.

Random Bloke goes to the Gents.

Me: Seems like a nice chap. How do you know him?

Dempsey [My Brother]: I don’t. He lives across the street from me I think. I thought you knew him. You’ve been quite chatty.

Me: Christ. Only because I thought he was your mate. I didn’t want to piss you off by being rude to him. I take that Public Information Broadcast really seriously. I NEVER talk to strangers.

Dempsey: What?

Me: Before your time. Christ. He might be a Mental. Jesus.

Dempsey: Sup up. We’ve got cabs. We’re going.

We depart in a fleet of cars and arrive at an Emporium of Alcoholic Beverages I would happily burn to the ground.

Some more drinks are consumed and I shout at strangers who bump into me and fortunately they do not hear me.

After fifteen minutes Random Bloke arrives.

RB: Must have got left behind. Whose round is it? Mine?

We chat for a bit. At this point I am beginning to feel bad for RB. Unsurprisingly, he turns out to be a big sci-fi fan. I am not, but I humour him. He talks about a show called Firefly.

I have not seen it as I am in my thirties and have had sex with real women.

He offers to lend me the DVD of the movie version.

I accept, secure in the knowledge that this is a lot of Big Talk. There shall be no lending of DVDs, no unwritten social contract that is usually involved in the lending of things, and I shall never see this man again.

It’s late. I’ve shouted at a number of large men who have felt that the quickest way to the gents is THROUGH anyone in my vicinity and decide it is time to retire. Before Something Bad And Bigger Than Me happens.

After embracing many lampposts I retire to my bed, content that I am safe and that no further oddness shall trouble me.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

Conversations With My Mother Vs. Conversations With My Daughter.

Mother:[41 years of age] Can you help with this blue tongue thing?

Me: [Suddenly feeling about a trillion years old] What?

Mother: It’s just. I want the pictures off my phone and on to my laptop. But the blue tongue thing doesn’t like it.

I stop grinding my teeth and stare at the wall for a while. I think of happier times.

Me: Blue tongue?

Mother: I thought you knew about this stuff.

Me: I’m not a vet.

Mother: What?

Me: It’s ‘blue tooth’.

Mother: Well I’m not an effing dentist so there’s no need to be sarcy.

Me: I’m going for a cigarette.


Some time later.


Favourite Daughter:[Five years of age] Have you had your hair cut Daddy?

Me: Yes sweetheart.

FD: Why?

Me: Because it looked stupid.

FD: It looks even stupider now.

Pause.

Me: ‘More stupid’. Not ‘Stupider’.

FD: Oh. Ok. Your hair looks more stupid now Daddy.

Me: That’s better.

You decide.

Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

I am outside a university library. It is more years ago than I care to remember. I'm 20.

I am sharing a cigarette in a world-weary-student-with-the-weight-of-the-world-on-his-shoulders-goodness-me-it's-a-hard-life-all-this-studying-cultural-theory-AND-'real'-books-at-the-same-time manner with Best Friend. (He remained Best Friend even after drunkenly informing me that if he absolutely had to fuck a man, I would be his first choice. We pretended he hadn't said anything.)

Best Friend: You know 'Cheers'?

Me: Mmm.

BF: You know the song at the start?

Me: Has a sort of world-weary charm but is otherwise shit.

BF: Yeah. But. That bit. 'Sometimes you want to go where everyone knows your name'?

Me: Ok.

BF: Fuck me can you think of anything worse?

Me: Em.

BF: Honestly. Where EVERYONE knows you.

I think for a bit, and try to ignore the fact that Best Friend always leaves an unneccesaryly large amount of saliva on the cigarette-butt when he hands it back to me.

I love the city we live in. And the best thing is that, it being a city, you can conduct your day unmolested by people you vaguely know asking after 'Dave' when you have no idea who 'Dave' is. Anonymity is a powerful friend. He's quite right. EVERYBODY knowing you is DREADFUL.

Me: Ok.

BF: Like Sartre said-

Me: Oh for FUCK'S SAKE.

BF: 'Hell is other people.'

Me: Why am I even mates with you?

BF: Christ. We are SUCH students.

Me: I know. Lets get out of here and hang about in absurdly rough pubs.

BF: Ok. Look, that thing I said the other night-

Me: Rough pub. Now. And let's not get almost killed this time because you insist upon quoting Kierkegaard to strangers. Christ. I wish I'd learnt a trade.

House Move.

It’s a pain isn’t it?

I remember once.

I was 21. My lease had run out and, being 21, I hadn’t arranged anything else.

Pants.

A guy at work was called Vaughn. But insisted upon spelling it ‘Voign’.

Bit odd. Whatever.

‘I’ve got a spare room at my place.’ He cheerfully said.

Perfect. Somewhere to live, not much money. Great.

We later discovered -at work- that according to his National Insurance details his name was Gary.

Again. Whatever.

I go to see his house. And his spare room.

‘I must warn you,’ he says, before he opens the door of the spare room, ‘I’ve been doing some extra work from home so it won’t look like this when you move in.’

He opens the door.

I am faced with a very large poster.

Of a VERY LARGE MAN.

Who appears to have shares in Baby Oil due to the amount on him.

WHO HAS A VERY LARGE COCK.

That seems to be the focal point of this portrait.

I can only assume that he was in a very warm location when the photograph was taken. Or that he was one of God’s favourite boys.

I am slightly taken aback.

Glancing around, I notice many other posters. There seems to be a common theme.

From what I can see, not only were these other photographs taken in a very WARM environment, they were also taken in a very stimulating one.

Me: Em.

V: What do you think about the room then?

I’m still trying to figure this out.

There are lots of scented candles around. And a little shelf with lots of bottles on it. They appear to be oils of some sort.

Me: Em.

I was a young man. That was a lot of big cocks – many of which were angry – to be confronting a gentleman of my tender years with.

V: Oh. Yeah. You know. I do a bit of ‘massage’ in the evenings. To make ends meet. You know. In here. But not when you’re around of course. If you moved in.

Me: Em.

V: So what do you think.

Me: Seriously?

V: Well. Yes.

Me: I’ve got some other places to look at. I’ll let you know.


He was fired the next week.

I Love You As Much As……

The odd thing about American drama series is that any scene set in a gentleman’s lavatory – usually in a place of work – involves an unfeasibly attractive gentleman walking into the lavatory purely to wash his hands. What is this? Or, in times of extreme stress, to splash some water on his face. It seems that Americans do not urinate. Or say ‘goodbye’ before hanging-up a telephone.

Anyway.

I walk into the gentleman’s lavatory of my place of work.

I need to wash my hands.

Whilst yanking paper-towels from the dispenser in a hugely devil-may-care masculine manner like that bloke who looked like a darts player in NYPD Blue, I notice that a conversation is taking place. In the Gents.

I look around. I am the only person here, save for an apparent occupant of one of the stalls, the door of which is shut.

Fuck me. He’s got another fella in there. They’re having a chat.

No. It quickly becomes apparent that the conversation is one-sided.

Unknown Gentleman: Yeah yeah I hear you but it’s all so deadline-sensitive I CAN’T just leave it. You know? It’s now or the whole thing’s blown.

I am astounded. Mobile-phone conversations are frowned-upon within the confines of the office (this is England after all, where we have perfectly good phones with wires, and if you want to talk on a phone that doesn’t have wires – like some sort of degenerate - then maybe this isn’t the place for you. Well. That seems to be the policy at my company. I’m not sure I disagree) but he could have gone outside. No need to lock yourself in a toilet cubicle.

There is the unmistakeable rattle of a toilet-roll in its industrial-quality dispenser.

Oh. Oh dear. He’s not just having a conversation.

UG: Thing is, cut-off point is today. That’s it. Or it doesn’t happen. You know how it is.

There is an additional rustle. Not of tissue. This sounds more heavy-weight.

He’s reading a fucking newspaper.

And they say men can’t multi-task.

Whilst admiring this man’s time-management skills (and whilst lurking in a public lavatory without legitimate reason) I am slightly appalled. Surely this was not the ubermensch Nietzsche had in mind?

UG: Sweetheart I know. I KNOW. But he’s just teething. HE IS. No. I’m not saying this is more important than our son. But you know he’s getting a sore tum and a temp because … ok OK. I’ll be home on time. Well. Maybe seven-ish. NO, what I do for a living is not more important. I mean, it IS important, what I do IS important and ……. Right. RIGHT. Look, I’m not arguing……

I decide to leave. I’ve been drying my hands for more time is necessary and I also feel as if I am now intruding on a family dispute. In an office lavatory. Which is a first.



The gist of the whole conversation seemed to be:

‘Sweetheart, I love you and our family. It’s all as equally important to me as reading the paper.’

‘In fact, a conversation with the mother of my children is as important to me as having a shit.’

Faggot.

It’s not a great word is it? Even ‘nigger’ has been appropriated by the recipient and turned against the aggressor, but this one still languishes in the hands of Dire Straits circa whenever with a mention in Money For Nothing. That no-one has yet to take offensive to.

‘Queer’ is fine because there are real academic textbooks on the subject and that. They happily use the word. It has been sanitised by universities and a guest appearance by Keith Chegwin on an underwhelming sitcom.

So this is an odd one.

I am outside my place of work. It is quarter to nine in the morning.

Present are Very Dry Colleague and Lovely But Stupid Colleague.

VDC: What do you make of that then?

He nods toward one of those huge Jeep things. Whilst my office building houses 1000 employees, we have no parking and are located on an exciting city-centre back-street where you will be killed of a Friday night. (This is true. It happened last week. No-one I knew so fuck them.)

I look at the Jeep, surprised that it is not the usual Aston Martin that is parked there. Whatever. A very large, very well-muscled man (he does own a Jeep after all) is loading some things into it.

Me: Mmmm.

LBSC: Look at the licence plate!

Ah. It is personalised. This used to be an indication of untold riches, but when you see people driving fucking fifteen-year-old Fiats with such plates it stops being a big deal and just makes you a wanker.

But this one is a thinker.

FAG40T.

We’ve a few minutes before we have to work. We discuss the various scenarios.

1.

Guy walks into License Plate Emporium.

Employee: What can I do you for?

Guy: Well. All my friends say I’m a really cool dude. Do you have one that says COOL DUD3 or something?

Employee: No. We’ve got one that spells ‘faggot’.

Guy: That’ll do. Wrap it up.

2.

Guy walks into License Plate Emporium.

Employee: What can I do you for?

Guy: I am such a faggot.

Employee: Erm?

Guy: Yeah. You know? I’ve got loads of money despite being not too sharp, and all my clever friends tell me that being a ‘faggot’ is just the absolute best. Sort me out.

Employee: Cash or card?

3.

Guy walks into Licence Plate Emporium.

Employee: What can I do you for?

Guy: I fucking love it up the arse. What’ve you got?

4.

Guy walks into Licence Plate Emporium.

Employee: What can I do you for?

Guy: They’re all fucking faggots.

Employee: Erm. Who?

Guy: Everyone on the road but me. I am so heterosexual in my driving technique it is unbelievable, and I want everyone else to know how homosexual their driving skills are in comparison. I am all Man. See my driving if you have any doubts. Really aggressive. Totally manly. That thing with Dominic in high-school was just a phase. Bit of an experiment. He was into it, I wasn’t. There’s nothing FUNNY about me. But there’ll all queers. Bunch of faggots. All looking at me like I’m some sort of Homo. I’ve a good mind to shove my cock up their arses just to teach them a lesson.

Anyway. Some sort of plate telling people they’re faggots. Compared with my brilliant manly driving. You know. ‘Cos I’m the driver usually. I mean. Not like that. I hate men. They’re all gay. They can suck me off.

Employee: Just buy it.

Anyway. We run out of ideas.

Lovely But Stupid Colleague: The funny thing is, he doesn’t even look very gay.

Me: What do you mean?

LBSC: Well. He doesn’t look like you.

Me: Fuck off. What do you mean?

LBSC: Well. He’s really big. And muscled and that. Really big. He doesn’t look gay. He’s BIG.

Very Dry Colleague: I’m not an expert on the subject, but I don’t think the Registrar of Homosexuality has an upper-body size limit.

Lovely But Stupid Colleague: So you don’t think he’s gay then? Really? What would this Registry say about his plate? Is that not wrong?

Me: Fuck me.

VDC: I have to get to work.

Me: Me too. Christ.

Sanctuary.

I am at work.

Having little better to do, I call one of my clients upon the tele-phone.

The client is not a happy man. He has a hardened artery in his leg and has had to suffer much surgery, and even more time off work. He is self-employed. He is not content.

Me: Hi George. [His name is not George.]

George: [Remorsefully] Oh. Hi Tired.

Me: Going mad much?

George: The holidays are the worst. I mean. If I don’t work for a couple of weeks I go a bit mad anyway.

Me: With you. Me too.

George: Aye. But. The holidays. The kids are ALWAYS around. I think I’m losing it. It’s been two months now. I can’t walk far.

Me: Look. They’re your children. Enjoy the time. I know it’s tough when you don’t really think you can do anything and there’s not much money about, but take the time. Relish this time with-

George: You don’t understand.

Me: What?

George: My wife’s a nanny.

Me: Oh dear God.

George: Yes.

Me: She doesn’t-

George: Yes.

Me: How many?

George: Eight. Including my two. In the house. All the time. All summer. All day.

Me: Christ.

George: I know.

Me: I love children. If they’re actually MINE.

George: Yeah. The same.

Me: God. You know what you need? A shed.

George: Done.

Me: What?

George: Had a couple of mates build one at the end of the garden last week. I’m talking to you from there now.

Me: You've actually had one purpose-built? Superb. All you need now is one of those little fridges that you can fit six cans of lager into and you’re sorted. [I assumed I was joking at this point.]

George: Done.

Me: What?

George: I got satellite television now.

Me: In the house?

George: Naw. Got the dish put on the side of The Shed this week. Sky Sports. Plasma screen.

Me: You’re joking?

Silence.

George: [Puzzled] No.

More silence.

I’m not a big sports fan. But this sounds too good to be true.

Me: Can I come round?

George: No.

The Cliches Continue.

It's true, I've become all that I hate and have become a living blog cliche.

The MOST hateful cliche is the smug, self-satisfied 'oh, I'm away on holiday so there will be a guest blogger filling-in for me' thing.

Like you've got a column in the Guardian and you hand it over to one of your writer mates for a couple of weeks.

That's almost ok, but when you have a blog? Fucking hell. The assumption that people will wither and die if there is no content on your silly web-thing? Christ.

And the whole clique - thing. Jesus.

It makes me SICK.

My current post can be found at www.non-workingmonkey.blogspot.com

I'm filling-in for her whilst she's on her holidays.

Look. She's actually quite nice. Although the blog's a bit weak since she got happy - Dating Monkey's better and contains some sound advice and big laughs.

The Last Chance

Seriously. I know I’ve mentioned my local Emporium of Alcoholic Beverages before, but FUCK ME.

I occasionally frequent for two reasons.

1: It is situated one minute and thirty seconds walk away from my current abode.

2: The clientele are so uniformly appalling. It’s like a zoo or something. But a zoo full of people who can’t wait for the next film starring Jason Streathem. It’s like they’ve rounded-up all the twats and put them in one place so that Normal People can avoid them. I have to look. On occasion.

I HATE The Last Chance. It is a horrible place. But on the odd time I frequent, I always walk away feeling better. You know. About myself. Because I’m a prick, and think that mingling with the underclass secure in the knowledge that they’ve never read the Guardian makes me better than them. It doesn't.

Tonight.

I’ve mentioned Imaginary High School Friend I feel sure. He lives across the street from me. I am not convinced that he isn’t stalking me.

I bump into him. He insists we drink together. I have ABSOLUTELY nothing better to do. We retire to The Last Chance.

The following events occur:

1: A random woman informs me that ‘Steve’ got the job. Great. I do not know anyone called Steve.

2: A man I have never met insists I am ‘staring him out’ and attempts to head-butt me, fails terribly and falls to the floor. Apparently this means I am ‘queer’. According to him.

3: A Very Large Man also insists that I went to high-school with him. I’ve no idea who he is. He doesn’t seem to mind. But insists upon shouting my name a lot.

4: I ask my ‘friend’ – the one I apparently went to high school with for several years without realising – who a guy I faintly recognize is. It transpires that said guy is the biggest coke dealer in this small town.

5: Coke Dealer and Very Large Man retire to the car park for the world’s quickest cigarette and Very Large Man goes straight to the Gents afterwards .He probably needed a wee after his two-second cigarette. He was very chatty afterwards though – that cigarette perked him up no end.

6: Very Large Man, whilst reminding me of the non-existant fun we had at high-school – where we never met – randomly thinks this would be the perfect time to take his shirt off. So we could see his tan. And the fact he’d had his back waxed. In the pub.

I’ve had a busy week. I finish my drink and go home.

Slave Friendly

Some time ago.

I am in a Conference Room. As anyone who has ever found themselves in such a place will attest, they are not good places to be.

This is not the first day of my attendance, in which me and my fellow ‘delegates’ are subjected to the relentlessly enthusiastic attentions of a gentleman in a faintly shiny suit who has armed himself with a laptop, a projector, a whiteboard that is apparently ‘interactive’, a 100-watt shit-eating perma-grin and a covert desire to rob his audience of any vestige of individual will.

He is saying something about ‘brand strategy’ whatever the fuck that is. He grabs a remote-controller type thing with a little flourish. Big deal.

‘Let me give you a flavour of what we’re talking about.’ He says as he turns to the whiteboard thing and commences a theatre of disillusionment via the gift of Power Point. ‘Flavour’? I have literally no idea what he is talking about.

I disliked him when I met him. I now idly wonder whether it would be possible to blind him using his own fucking laser-pointer.

Of course I shan’t. Whilst not actually ‘working’ I am ironically still At Work. As such, the unwritten contract between employer and employee – that employee will pretend to give a flying fuck about the company that employs him during the hours of nine and five – is still in effect.

I look around me. Black Guy, Asian Fellow, Chap Who Looks Like A Friendly Donkey and Gay Guy But Doesn’t Know It Yet are visibly suffering. But are bound by the same contract as I.

Our tormentors’ voice has become akin to the noise of a washing machine in my mind. I am conscious of it, but am trying not to let it bother me too much. But it’s not working. I try to think of nice things. This serves only to remind me how not-nice my current predicament is.

I resolve to try and think of something even more annoying than this man’s zealot-eyed babble in the hope that this will sufficiently distract me from the thought that I would currently gladly castrate myself and shove the two detached spunky pods in my ears JUST SO I DON’T HAVE TO FUCKING LISTEN TO HIM ANYMORE.

I decide to think of the more annoying thing only in italics, so I can differentiate between the noises in my ears and the noises in my head.

Here we go.

Him: prattle prattle prattle building audiences and driving response through creative thinking.

‘It’s always like this around here … but at least we can get our credit sorted.’

Yes. That works.

Him: prattle prattle creating the Yes momentum.

Well! That’s a lot less than we’re paying now!

Oh. This is good.

Him: prattle prattle prattle address the Need not the Want.

‘Josh! Your Dad’s found your scoootah!’

Excellent. I’ve gotten through it in one piece.

He lays down his remote control-thing and ostentatiously checks his unnecessarily swanky wristwatch.

Him: Right then guys. I’ve earnt myself a short break – why don’t you take one too? There’s a coffee machine in the hall, or if you want to go up to the deli [it’s not a ‘deli’, it’s a canteen] they have that really nice Slave Friendly coffee. It’s much better.

Silence.

Him: What?

Silence.

Him: That’s what it’s called isn’t it?

It appears that he is perfectly serious.

Him: You know. Slave Friendly [Christ don’t say it again]. You see it everywhere now. That’s it isn’t it?

He looks around, imploring.

Me: Em. ‘Fair Trade’?

Him: Yes yes yes. That’s it. [Panicking, red, flustered. Gestures] You all knew what I meant.

We really didn’t. He exits quickly.

Windfall.

The cashpoint asks me if I want to top-up the credit on my pre-pay pikey mobile fucking phone.

This is odd. I wanted some cash. Hence my frequenting said cashpoint.
But. Well, yes. I would actually. Thanks. This has saved me a visit to some News Agent Emporium where I will have to suffer old women stinking of piss purchasing unfeasible amounts of National Lottery scratch-cards and teenage girls sniggering at me.

Splendid.

I choose my network and tap in my mobile fucking phone number. Twice.

Thanks, says the screen. You’ll get a text in a minute confirming this marvellously futuristic transaction.

Ace.

Two hours later. No text.

Three hours later. No text. No credit.

Grrrr.

I phone the customer services people of my mobile fucking phone’s network provider. Who will not speak to me, as I have no credit.

After much keypad-tapping, I discover the mobile fucking phone has an overdraft of sorts. Which I cannot activate. Because I don’t have enough credit.

GRRRR.

I check the receipt-thing the cashpoint had given me.

If you’re reading this, I hope you appreciate the fact that I have managed to gift you with talk-time to the tune of ten English pounds.

I hope you applaud the stupidity of a man who typed in an incorrect phone number not once but twice, making the identical mistake each time (what are the odds?).

I hope you have some good mobile fucking phone conversations. I hope you have a good life, and that similar good things will continue to happen to you, despite the fact that you have yet to reply to the voicemails of an irate stranger insisting that you owe him ten pounds and what are you going to fucking do about it.

Millionaires Have No Manners.

My sister and I have made a pact.

We are at a garden party. At a large Country Estate owned by a millionaire client of my Sister the Gardener. You’ve probably eaten some of his ‘gourmet’ crisps. Fucks sake. Whatever. Big deal.

It is a charity auction also. Where braying inbreeds bid buttock-clenchingly large amounts of money on things that are not really worth it.

There is music also. I’ll get back to the fucking music in a moment.

This being a charity event, there are an unrepresentative number of spastics in attendance. Well. There are two. If it were just a garden party for the gentry there wouldn’t be any.

One asks our table for money for some unspecified coming attraction. She tried to explain it but her enunciation wasn’t all it could have been. Sister, sister’s boyfriend and sister’s best friend all pay up. I don’t, on the grounds that I have no idea what I’m paying for. Not unreasonable.

Millionaire Lady on table opposite decides she needs an extra chair. Without a word to us, she grabs one from our table, tosses my sister’s bag from it and onto the grass and takes it away.

A chap with a violin ambles casually about, making an excruciating noise. Apparently he is the brother of a famous person. Well. Not famous as such. But she is on speaking terms with Sting. He finally passes by. I am relieved. But the noise remains. Oh. He’s actually plugged into the PA. There is to be no respite.

We drink Pimms and lemonade. We are on our best behaviour. Sister and I have made a pact. We both suffer from what I suspect is a mild form of Tourettes in that whenever we find ourselves in social situations that we are not 100% comfortable with we will tend to behave in the most inappropriate manner possible and offend quite a lot of people.

So today we have made a pact. I will wear my best suit. She will actually trouble herself with make-up and nail polish. And we will Behave. We both have university educations and know how to conduct ourselves. This is an important client to my sister. This is an opportunity to acquire many more. We have made a pact.

It’s a very genteel event. I understand a Duke is present. He has a castle and everything. We shall act accordingly.

Four hours later.

I have physically prevented my sister from placing any further bids on what she drunkenly believed to be one of those sit-in-and-drive-around lawnmower things and have narrowly prevented her from purchasing a £300 bottle of wine. Which is what she was actually bidding on. And not the big shiny thing worth a lot of money that was in her head.

I have uttered the word ‘cunt’ more times than was strictly necessary. Loudly. To the palpable disgust of the people around me who would fire their servants for even imagining such words exist.

Highlights:

Me: [To band playing something appalling involving Northumbrian Pipes] You’re SHIIIIIT!

Sister’s Boyfriend: [upon hearing that someone had just bid two grand for a painting I could have done myself with a brush attached to my penis] Now that’s just taking FUCKING LIBERTIES.

Sister: [Very loud] I’ve just farted. Can you smell it?

Sister: [Again] I can’t believe you were the only one who didn’t buy whatever that mong was selling.

Me: Mong? Listen. That is no way to refer to that poor potato-head. She was doing her best. God only knows what she was on about.

Me: [Very drunk. Pimms. Do not underestimate] Is it just me or are all these people utterly unbearable? Aside from the retards they’ve wheeled in to make then look forgivable?

Sister’s Boyfriend: [Directed at Sister’s Best Friend and myself who had been arguing about, I don’t know, chewing gum or something] Why don’t you two just fuck and get it over with ‘cos you’re driving me mad.

We don’t want to be here anymore. We covet the LandRover in the carpark that is our transport for the day.

To leave by the normal route –a long very obvious walk around the grounds- would be a great big ‘I don’t care’ to the local artistic/spastic community. Which would be true.

We begin to wonder if we can get over the fence instead without the ladies present showing their knickers

Lady who is not my sister states she could not care less. As I have already seen my sister’s bottom whilst changing her nappies I am also content. Fences are vaulted. Eyes are averted.

We retire to Pub Not Very Far Away.

It is full of Normal People.

We buy drinks and sit down.

A stranger asks (ASKS) if a spare seat is reserved for someone. The reply is in the negative. They ask if they can take the chair.

I say yes.

My Services Are No Longer Required.

On an average working day I am often found walking very quickly down corridors. My speed of movement gives the impression that I am in the middle of something Important. The truth is that I strongly dislike most physical activity and prefer to get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

Often I will find myself heading toward Odd-Looking Colleague, shambling along the opposite way with his usual air of being slightly put-upon.

I will feel my shoulders involuntarily tense. Here it comes, I think.

We begin to pass each other. On cue, he raises his eyebrows in a world-weary manner and says

‘Alright fella?’ in a tone that suggests some mutual complicity in his woe.

Fella. For goodness sake.

Anyway.

It’s the middle of the afternoon. Something has been troubling me. I realise what it is, and turn to Uncannily Similar to Myself Colleague.

Me: I haven’t seen Odd-Looking all day. Do you know where he is?

USTMC: [With an entirely unwarranted explosive vehemence] In HELL I fucking hope.

Silence.

Me: Ehm.

USTMC spins in his chair and fixes me with an alarmingly intense stare.

USTMC: Fella. Fella! He must be some sort of cock if he thinks it’s ok to fucking call anyone ‘fella’. Fuck me. Either you know someone well enough to have learnt their name, or you just don’t fucking TALK TO THEM AT ALL. I don’t know who the fuck he is. So why’s he walking around like some sort of fucking I don’t fucking know what calling me fucking ‘fella’?

USTMC fixes Odd-Looking’s empty desk with a look of the blackest malevolence.

USTMC: [Clearly re-living a past situation involving the use of the word ‘fella’] Cunt.

He swivels back to his own desk and resumes whatever it was he was doing. And is promptly completely alright again.


Identity theft is one thing, but this man has stolen my personality. Who do I call for that one?

Breathing Difficulties Part 2

Favourite Daughter is not breathing.

And has not been for some time.

There are many things They do not tell first-time parents. Because they are Bastards and want you to suffer terribly.

They do not tell first-time mothers that actually it is going to hurt LIKE FUCK. Really. And that odd things will happen to their brain when the tiny life they have been carrying is plopped on their strangely flat belly.

And that they will never want to sleep ever and just stare and hold this small life.

They do not tell first-time fathers that they will never feel so helpless and proud. And that if you delve in with the scissors too quickly the umbilical will actually EXPLODE with pus and blood and give them such a bad fright that they foolishly jump back and have to then go in for an embarrassing second attempt.

And that they will be made to feel quite rude when they are confronted with the news that ‘the head is crowning’ and do not then enthusiastically head south to relish the mind-boggling sight of a PERSON emerging from somewhere they had been previously accustomed to entering in a lesser capacity themselves.

Frankly, in the weird-but-good trauma stakes, the ladies win. Obviously.

But. They do not tell you that a tiny person the size of a fat cat is capable of covering a full-grown adult with vomit from head-to-toe. And that always happens to the gentleman. So it’s not like we don’t have to pay for not having stitches in our nether-regions.

Anyway.

Many years ago.

Favourite Daughter is very tiny. She sleeps in a cot.

One night. She just stops breathing.

They don’t tell you about this. Nobody says in any of the ‘classes’ you attend - where you are nervous and over-chatty - and make the other expectant Dads feel o.k. because you are stupid enough to say:

Me: What? Nipple stimulation? You must be joking. That sort of thing has got us in quite enough trouble thank you. Why do you think we’re here? Jesus. And I doubt either of us would be much in the mood for that kind of thing at such a time!

Silence.

I think for a bit.

Me: Oh. Right. I see. Yes. Right. That makes more sense. Sorry. Not me doing the stimulating. The baby. To encourage the afterbirth and that. Ur. Right. Obvious when you think about it. What? No I can’t really see the video terribly well. Real childbirth is it? Mmm. No, I don’t need to move. The sound is quite enough. No. Really. I don’t actually want to see. She doesn’t sound happy does she?

Anyway.

They just don’t say ‘Good luck then with your new infant. They’ll probably never stop breathing ever but if they do try not to panic too much. It’ll probably be ok.’


Favourite Daughter is panicking. What with not being able to breath.

Tired Mam is panicking. What with our daughter not being able to breath. It is two o’clock in the morning.

I am oddly calm, as I am in all such situations.

Coughing had turned to hyper-ventilating which had turned to non-breathing which had turned to general blue-ness and boogly eyes.

At least her head was not hanging by a single thread.

Frankly, I feel inconvenienced. I was fast asleep. ‘Trouble breathing’ for fucks sake. It’s not as though a drug addict with what turned out to be a rather lengthy criminal record has anyone by the throat in some rubbish public house after losing an argument over the price of a drink.

I take Tired Mam to one side before she turns blue.

I take Favourite Daughter and hold her infant precious body close to my chest. I let her feel my warmth, steady breathing and slow heartbeat.

Tired Mam is tweaking. This is a reasonable reaction. One that adds to FD’s panic. What FD needs now is a bleary-eyed man who doesn’t get worked-up about important things but will fly into irrational rages concerning his inability to find his nail clippers.

TM steps back, and FD is left in the arms of a perfectly calm although half-asleep man.

Favourite Daughter relaxes. She begins breathing normally. I feel a hand smaller than my ear on the back of my neck. A room filled with tension and panic is slowly filled with my doziness.

Croup. According to NHS Direct at three in the morning.

They don’t really mention that one before they let you take them away. Bastards.


There was no mention of the fact that they may acquire undesireable boyfriends when they are thirteen either. It’s like They actually want us to breed.

Breathing Difficulties Part 1.

A man has me by the throat.

I am unconcerned. Oddly. He begins to squeeze and I feel his fingernails closing around my windpipe.

I become slightly concerned. What with not being able to breath and that.

It is was many years ago. When I ran pubs for a living. I didn’t think then that ‘blogging’ about the incident in the future would highlight the lie in a previous post about not hitting someone since I was a teenager when this obviously occurred in my twenties. Grrr.

Anyway.

The not breathing thing is becoming something of a chore and without really thinking I reach back and land this gentleman a good one straight on the cheekbone and he briefly disappears from sight.

I am eight stone and five foot eight. I am pleased with myself. I’ve floored someone. I haven’t done this since high school.

Some days previously. Myself and colleague invite favourite customers from our previous Public House to our current Public House in nearby town. They attend.

‘Wow this is a bit rough.’

Us: No no. We’ll sort it. It’ll be quite nice soon.

I had to remove needles with rubber gloves from the toilets every morning because the cleaners, somewhat understandably, weren’t too keen.

So they were all there. And I smack a guy in the face. In front of them. They know me as chatty friendly guy. Hmm.

Within seconds tables are flying. Recently twatted gentleman gets up with alarming ease. Police are summoned. Upon their arrival half the clientele vanish. As they are all Wanted.

I am nicked. And carted-off to the nearest Police Station. For assault. I smacked someone who was attempting to choke me to death over a brief dispute over the current price of a pint of Stella Artois.

It is decided that I am not a major menace to society and am DRIVEN (they gave good service in those days) back to my Pub.

Assorted previous customers of Quite Nice Pub In Which No-One Died Or Tried To Kill Anyone Or Inject Heroin Ever are leaving never to return.

I don’t really blame them. ‘Good luck’ they say.

Oddly they never returned.

And we weren’t there long..

Love / Hate.

I am about to hit a man on the head with a hammer.

Except that I don’t happen to have a hammer on me. And I haven’t hit a man since I was a teenager. And I’m in a perfectly civilised mobile phone shop. And I don’t really want to know what Prison Love is actually like.

I hate my mobile phone. Because. You know. It’s a mobile phone and that. They are essentially hateful items.

But I also love it. It was a Christmas present. It is shiny and looks nice. And. Get this. Not only is it a mobile phone – it’s a bloody camera as well!

Let the good times roll.

It is also my only means of internet access, for reasons too tiresome to recount here.

But there is a cloud upon this utopian horizon.

I don’t really know how it works. I am reliably informed that people can send me messages of a text variety that also include pictures. Imagine it. Words and visuals. It’s like fucking Buck Rogers or something. But without the whole spaceshuttle-being-frozen-for-five-centuries tiresomeness.

Somebody sends me such a message, and I cannot open it. Grr. I could refer to the manual, but am not yet ready to taste those bitter ashes of defeat.

I do some research on the inter-course. It takes ages and I get nowhere. The phone’s GPRS thing is only faintly more frustrating than Ceefax.

I resolve to go into the shop it was purchased from and demand to know why I have no idea how to use it. And they’d better read the manual themselves quick-smart and tell me the things that I don’t know because I’m a busy man, am wearing a suit so therefore must be Important and have a limited amount of time.

Walking into the shop. I locate the poorly-signposted Customer Services desk. And stand there for five minutes. Whilst several youths with ‘interesting’ hair and who sport clothing bearing the insignia of the mobile phone shop mill about in a disinterested manner.

It is clear to them that I am not here to sign-up to an eighteen-month contract named, inexplicably, after an animal.

I am grinding my teeth.

Staff to customer ratio is eight to one. Me being the one.

Me: HELL-OOOH.

Somebody lopes resentfully around the counter.

I am already clenching and un-clenching my fists. Without realising.

He looks at me in a vacant, slack-jawed manner.

Mobile Phone Youth: ‘Sup.

Me: What?

MPY: ‘Sup fella?

Me: What?

Silence for a while. His name tag states, improbably, that its wearer is named Cornelius.

MPY: What can I do for you?

Me: Right. [Brandish phone] There’s something wrong with the MMS er thing. Could you have a look? It was purchased here.

MPY gingerly takes phone and taps at the keypad for some time.

I begin to let out the knots of tension from my shoulders. There is a professional on the case. Everything will be Fine.

Some time passes.

MPY: Do you know how to unlock it?

Me: I’ve no problem with the network provider. So I don’t care.

MPY: Yeah. But do you know how to?

Aha. He is testing me. He is trying to get the measure of me as a customer. Wants to know my level of mobile phone knowledge and, by extension, my knowledge of all things Manly.

Me: I’m sure I could generate an unlock code from the IMEI number but that really isn’t the issue in this case.

He looks taken aback. Ha. Got you, you young scamp. Just because I don’t have a stupid haircut and don't have excellent sex with beautiful 20-year-old Vanessa Paradis looky likeys every Saturday night doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two.

He brandishes my phone at me.

MPY: Can you unlock it for me? Please.

Me: What?

Oh fuck. Oh surely not.

Me: The keypad?

MPY nods.

Me: You want me to show you how to unlock the keypad?

MPY nods, looking at me as though I were an idiot.

I take my phone from him. I do not have a hammer.

Me: ‘Bye.

Perhaps It Was Space Aliens.

Many years ago.

It is late Sunday morning. I am in bed, asleep. I awake.

‘Ouch.’ I think to myself. ‘That is quite a headache.’

I was In The Pub the previous evening.

Slowly, I sit up. I notice a number of things. First of all, my pillow is still attached to the side of my face. With some discomfort, I peel it off. It is covered in blood. As are my bedsheets.

Hmmm.

I look at my hands. They too are very bloody, and there is very little skin on any of my knuckles.

Peculiar.

I decide some pills may be in order, what with my I-am-Godzilla-you-are-Japan headache and everything. I place my feet on my bedroom floor and stand up. Except I don’t, because for some reason my right leg doesn’t work and immediately buckles under me. I can’t bend it or put any weight on it.

Strange.

I get up off the floor. There is considerable bruising to my left ribs.

Hmm.

I hop to the bathroom, and look in the mirror. Not entirely unexpectedly, my face is covered in blood. I wash it. A large portion of my face does not like the feel of the water. I look in the mirror again.

One quarter of the right of my face is smashed to a pulp. It is not recognisably human. I may or may not have two eyes. It is impossible to say.

This is quite a puzzle.

Being barely twenty years old, I decide the best course of action is to go back to The Pub and have a stiff drink.

Pub Landlord: What the fuck happened to you?

Me: I was rather hoping you could shed some light on the situation.

No. He cannot. I had left early and unscathed the previous evening. Only two or three drinks apparently. I wasn’t noticeably drunk.

Hmm.

Drinking Friend arrives. Looks at me.

DF: What the fuck is this?

Me: [gesturing] This is my face.

I stay a little longer. Complete strangers admire my new face. I feel rather roguish.

Some days later.

I remember the man at the burger van I visited on my way home giving me a very strange look as I purchased my supper. I mustn’t have looked too good at that point. It is a completely isolated memory.

Some weeks later.

I remember passing a particularly unpleasant night-club on my way home.

Bouncer: Alright are you?

Me: [Aggressive] What’s it to you?

Bouncer: Well. It’s just, you’ve got blood pouring out of your head.

Me:[checking] Oh. So I have. Thanks for that.

Again, an entirely isolated memory.

It is now.

My only souvenirs are a small scar above my right eyebrow and a small area of roughly-textured flesh on my right cheekbone. You wouldn’t even notice unless you were specifically looking.

And I’ve still no idea what the hell happened.

Yesterday.

I am being kept waiting by my country’s next Prime Minister. He is late. It is very tiresome.

Favourite Daughter: Daddy!

There are an awful lot of tall men with very short hair and enormous hands present. They wear black suits with strange bulges under the arms and 24-style earpieces. They start to get a bit animated. Something is happening.

Me: Just another minute sweetheart.

She is hopping up and down in four-year old frustration. Favourite Son is busy trying to smack his head off every single unexpected object in the building, as is the wont of most two-year old boys.

Forty minutes previously.

All three of us get off the train. We are at the city that I may have mentioned my strange love affair with. We head toward the science centre. It is a real place that does real things with genetics and that, but also has huge tourist-exhibition-type-things all the time.

Some of the way is uphill. FS is in a pushchair, FD is holding my hand. My right hand is on the right-hand handle of the pushchair, my left hand is holding FD's hand, and my right hip is pushing the left-hand handle of the pushchair. I've had practice, and find this works. Although does make one appear as though one is attempting to fuck a pushchair. Whatever. It works.

There are coppers EVERYWHERE. Favourite Daughter witnesses a man who appeared a bit out-of-place being instantly maced, cuffed and thrown into a meat wagon.

FD: Are they taking him to jail Daddy?

Me: Christ. For his sake I hope so.

Law enforcement are twitchy this afternoon. I hope he doesn’t get too much of a kicking.

FD is delighted. It is possibly the best thing she has ever seen.

FD: Policeman take the naughty people to jail he was naughty but we’re good so we’re safe.

Me: Yes sweetheart.

I’m not sure he was doing anything wrong at all. But he was unshaven. Which will not do when my children are present.

We get to the reception-type place of the science centre.

Quite Fit Woman: Can I help?

Me: I believe I’m on a VIP list of some sort? It’s Mr.Dad.

QFW: [checks] And who are you the guest of?

Me: Em. Under invite of Makepeace in Human Resources.

QFW: That’s right.

Me: Um. I know.

I am issued with much paraphernalia to indicate that I have a right to be there and will not be bombing anyone or anything. And that I don’t have to pay for anything at all. Ever. Well. Today. Not even lunch. Today.

I am told that we have to be at a specific point in the exhibition centre at a specific time. At the time the next prime minister will arrive.

Which is where we are now.

FD: Daddy!

Favourite Son: Owww!

He’s ten minutes late now. This won’t do. If he can’t keep a simple appointment I don’t know how he expects to run the country. Christ. I’m never late for anything. Maybe I should get the job. Anyway. Doesn’t he know who I am? I write a blog that gets literally tens of hits every MONTH. I bet his doesn’t.

On the gangway above us lots of the short-hair big-hand men begin approaching. All the television people around us get quite animated. I see our next Prime Minister who doesn’t even have a blog and even if he did it would be rubbish compared to mine heading this way.

My eyes and brain do that weird ‘ooh I recognize you but from tele-vision so it’s a bit odd seeing you without a tele-vision in front of me’ thing.

FD: Daddy! I want to see the monsters!

Me: Two seconds sweetheart. Look. That’s the man who is going to be the boss of the whole country.

FD: Which one?

Me: Him.

FD: Oh.

She looks at a man in a suit. She’s seen one before. This is not an event.

FS: Owww.

Me: Oh you buffoon.

Our next Prime Minister begins to head down the stairs toward us.

48 hours previously. I am on my way home from work. I share the car with sister-in-law Makepeace. I say share. I sit in the passenger seat and offer money from time to time. It is never accepted. I do not push the matter.

Makepeace: Strange request for you.

Me: Oh?

Makepeace: Gordon Brown’s visiting our place. Some sort of meet-and-greet thing. It’s just. We’ve had a call and he wants plenty of children there. For him to be seen with. It’s his thing. Only photogenic ones though. He wants to be seen chatting to them. What do you think?

Me: Do I have to pay anything?

Makepeace: No. You’ll have to security vetted, but otherwise it’s a free day out.

Me: Fill your boots.

Makepeace: I’ll put your name down.

Me: Great. And I don’t have to pay anything?

Makepeace: Not even lunch.

Me: Great. Although I’m not the biggest fan of Dave Cameron.

Makepeace: It’s Gordon Brown.

Me: Mmm?

Anyway. He’s heading down the stairs toward us.

FD: Daddy!

Me: He’s coming now sweetheart.

FS: Owww!

Me: Silly sod.

FD: Daddy! I want to see the monsters!

Apparently it’s a very good exhibition. Life-sized models of mythical creatures.

He looks shorter than on the tele-vision. But also bulkier. He gives the impression that he is made of very dense Lego.

FD: Daddy!

In fairness we’ve been waiting fucking ages.

FD: Monsters!

There’s a dragon I’m told. I’m quite anxious to see it myself. Animatronic. Apparently there’s real smoke. It’s supposed to be huge.

Our next Prime Minister heads our way. But is distracted by a family consisting of slightly-less-attractive-than-my-own children.

FD: Daddy!

Do you know what? Fuck it. I want to see the fucking dragon as well.

Me: Come on you.

FD: Yaayy!

FS: Owww.

We walk off. He had his chance.


And there was real smoke and everything. Favourite Son was terrified. Favourite Daughter was ‘middle-scared’. It was brilliant.